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Friday, 22 February 2008

What do I really want?

Having got back from a week on beautiful Lundy almost a week ago (one week today in fact), it seems that all hell has broken loose since. If there really is no rest for wicked, then goodness knows what I have done. My partner and I often joke that we deserve each other, but I really do not think that anyone deserves the things that seem to be happening to me right now.

Lundy though was as beautiful and magical as ever. I did not realise just how exhausted and in need of the break I was. When I got to the island, my cottage was as always, one of the last to be cleaned, and so I had to wait in the Marisco Tavern. I went for a few short walks and to the shop in order to get provisions, which I left outside the cottage door, but by mid afternoon I was just flagging, having driven all the way down to North Devon the day before and had very little sleep, and so I ended up going to sleep in the pub!

The cottage was finally ready by about 4pm and off I toddled off to find that my bags and provisions had all been placed neatly inside. It wasn't really worth unpacking for a week, so I just lived out of my holdall. That first night though I went to bed at 8.30pm and slept right through until 8.30am. I wish I could do that right now, as having been back for a week now, nothing has changed in my life, and I am still back to exactly the same situation that I left - I feel as if I am continually being forced between a rock and a hard place, when I would so much rather be between a pillow and a duvet!

The weather for the week was absolutely spectacular - so warm for February with cloudless blue skies practically from dawn to dusk. The sun sets slightly later over there to the far west, and the sunsets were almost as spectacular too. I had great fun walking all over the island (around 6 to 7 miles a day) photographing virtually every landmark that I could see or think of. The results have been truly outstanding, and my new digital camera has proved its worth 100 times over. It is such a revelation after using film all these years to be able to review pictures and delete the ones that are too samey or not good quality enough - because the light was in the wrong place or whatever.

When I got back home last weekend, there was an energy alert from Karen Bishop waiting for me which explained a few things. Karen runs an excellent website called What's up on Planet Earth, which you can subscribe to, and which gives channelled messages about the energy changes that are taking place within mankind and the planet as we move towards 2012.

I had to laugh when I read the first two paragraphs which read:

"Where in the heck is all that abundance, those big waves of light, joy, peace, and everything else that is supposed to have arrived in 2008, the year of New Beginnings? Are you perhaps wondering… “New beginnings…hah! What has happened now? Are things ever going to change? When is my ship going to come in? I’m sorry I ever dared to hope that the tide would ever turn! Every time I get my hopes up, they seem to get dashed by yet more unpleasantness and disappointments!”

“I absolutely have no more left to give. My gas tank is empty, my battery is dead, and I am overdone waiting to receive. I can no longer serve, care, or even wade through masses of red tape, processes, or hoops to jump through in order to get anywhere! I need help! I can’t do this on my own anymore! I am wiped out, burnt out and exhausted, and now I am even getting cynical, angry, frustrated, impatient, edgy, grumpy, and even a bit depressed…even to the point where I have become darn right apathetic. I cannot go on like this for one more day! I have been stretched to the limit, and there is nothing more left that can stretch…this is just too much, especially after all I endured in 2007. I want to go home now…”

Boy do I know how this feels! It describes the year I have had (and the depressing bit is that we are only two months in) to a tee. Karen goes on to say that thankfully I am not alone, and loads of other light workers feel exactly the same. The energies keep building up and building up, like a pressure cooker, which results in lots of anger and frustration that things are not going the way that we feel they should be - life just seems too much of a struggle all the time. This is because the clearing that is needed is not yet complete (how much more can there be!), BUT the good news is that it will not be long, and our time will most definitely come by the end of the year!

For this to happen, we need to absolutely crystal clear about what it is we really and truly want - from the deepest parts of our souls and from our heart of hearts, because we will most assuredly receive it! This is not necessarily though what we “think” is possible, but what it is that we really and truly want… or to use new age jargon perhaps, what is most in alignment with our true and authentic selves. Well it doesn't take a genius for me to know what I truly and deeply want from my life - to make a full time living as a writer and be financially independent enough not to have to work for others for the rest of my life. Also though to have the means to continue going to Lundy two to three times a year, to be healthy and strong, debt free, to have my partner by my side, and to have enough to live on when I finally am old enough to retire - not a lot to ask for then!

Until then though I can wait and hope, and try and have positive thoughts.

Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Sleep, walk, read and eat - in that order

I had an interesting chat with my Assistant Manager tonight, who seems to have read my mind regarding what has been happening at work. The new guy, whom I have nicknamed the waffler, is very much the salesman and one of the old school in everything but name, if you know what I mean, indicated that he has spoken to one of the top dogs within the company and moves may be afoot to bring back the old system whereby staff earn commission on their own personal sales. This was scrapped around 18 months ago, and the idea of team bonusses introduced instead.

This has resulted across the company in much stronger teams, particularly in smaller stores like mine. It has also though equalised things, as it means that those who like me, spend a lot of time tidying the store and doing essential jobs like ticketing and cleaning, and less time on sales, are equally rewarded for their efforts. After all, if these jobs were not done, then people like the waffler would be less able to sell in the first place, as it is the people like me who make the store look good and put the stock on the shelves to be sold in the first place.

The day they bring this back then is the day that I start looking for another job, as I do not think it right that people like the waffler should get all the glory and all the money when I work just as hard but in a different way. Still, I don't really think that this is likely to happen anyway, and my Assistant Manager did acknowledge this on the way back to the car park tonight. He also said that I must not be intimidated by the waffler, that I am still doing very, very well, and that we both have different ways of working that are equally valid and I should realise that and not make unnecessary comparions and feel pushed out and no longer part of the team.

When I hear things like this it really makes me appreciate what I have here, and realise that I have chosen the right company to be working for - after some of the previous employers I have worked for, who said almost the opposite and basically made me feel like a useless piece of s***, it was music to my ears.

Still, I will be glad to finish work tomorrow knowing that I have a week and a half off. I have been completely and utterly physically and emotionally exhausted of late, and I don't think it will really hit me just how tired I have been until I get to the island at Friday lunch time. I plan to sleep, walk, read and eat in that order and do very little else.