The Gift of Light

On this the shortest day of the year, when the light begins to return, it is I believe one month today since that fateful meeting of which I wrote - the meeting between myself, my nemesis and her sidekick with my own Manager to iron out our difficulties and misunderstandings, for that is what it turned out to be, a misunderstanding based on the assumption that what others were saying about me was the truth, when in reality it was just their perspective. When they thought I was asking inappropriate questions about the clients and the work that the staff in the care home were carrying out, what I was in fact doing was trying to find out whether or not this was a job that would suit me. The response that I got ultimately showed me that it was not, and so their behaviour and assumptions have for them at least, backfired spectacularly, for it means that they have lost the opportunity to have me working there alongside them.

I don't think realistically this was really an option anyway, but I had to ask those questions in order to find out, as that is the only way in which to learn. It did though open up another possibility - that of joining the supported living team. I have always known (pretty much) that I did not wish to do care work, as this involved dealing with body fluids and the less savoury aspects of human behaviour, but support work is different. Those who need care are unable to care for themselves and live independently - this may for due to a number of reasons - a stroke perhaps that has left them partially paralysed, or severe learning difficulties that makes it hard for them to learn to cook. Those who need support however can live independently but need support and mentoring in order to do this - help perhaps with keeping their flat clean, managing their money or with being taken to appointments. This then is the role of Support Worker, a role for which I believe I am eminently more suited.

At least one of the Senior Support Workers it seems agrees, for two weeks ago she approached me and suggested that I consider applying for a job in the Unit where she works. After much deliberation I have done just this. This is not a decision that I took lightly and I still oscillate from day to day as to whether it is the right thing. Sometimes I am filled with confidence and am certain that this is for me, but sometimes I am filled with doubts, and almost agonising over whether to withdraw the application and stick with what I know. I wish I understood where these doubts come from and what triggers them - a lot of it is the fear if things going wrong and having burnt my bridges with my existing job (for the moment I leave I know I will have to be replaced) and not being able to go back. If this happens then I will be forced to leave the best place I have worked at for a long time. Yet another part of me knows that I cannot make a mistake, for it is all a learning experience, my goodness, decisions, decisions, why is it never easy?

Having had a chat with a few others who have or are doing that same job, I am clear in my mind that I would be able to do this, and would potentially be very good at it but there is still this indecision that is holding me back. A lot of it too is the hours - it will involve shift work including after 6 months the possibility of sleeping over maybe up to once or even twice a week, and 24 hour shifts - a late shift followed by a sleepover and then followed by an early. I know how lack of sleep affects me and how ratty I get and am concerned that tiredness may affect my ability to do the job effectively. I am also aware of what has been referred to as "issues of favouritism" regarding the rotas, whereby new staff are given all the shifts that no one else wants to do with very little time or support to be able to deal with their paperwork. I however would be working in a separate unit where these issues do not (as far as I know) arise, with a team that I already know and like, and perhaps more importantly with clients that I like and know. Yet there is still this uncertainty, and this indecision.

The answer may be as was suggested to do bank work for a while at the weekends, to see with no real commitment from me whether this is for me. In the end it may be the only solution.

In the meantime, Christmas is beckoning. I have a full six days off from work this year which is more than I have had in a decade. I must admit that I have enjoyed the more regular hours that my job entails and the opportunity it also presents to be out in the fresh air. Coran and I will spend Christmas at home this year, just the two of us visiting her family on Boxing Day and mine I expect at some time in the New Year.

It has been an anxious time these past few days, since last week Coran's sister had a heart attack and had to be rushed to hospital today. After tests and a few days rest, they confirmed that it caused by a blood clot that travelled from her lung into the heart. This is pretty scary stuff, as it could easily have been fatal. She is home now though and recovering which I guess is that matters.

As for the New Year - well I guess that only time will tell. For the moment at least any decisions are out of my hands, so I can but sit and wait.

Loving What Is

Now that I have been attending the Mindfulness course for three weeks, I am starting to see some interesting results. The most profound (for me at least) of all is that after practically all of my life, I can finally start to put names to the emotions that I feel. You see for years I was one of these people who was totally out of touch with what she did feel. It is then a revelation to be able to look at my feelings and thoughts and say to myself "I am feeling anxious" or "I am feeling nervous today". What is even more of a revelation is the understanding that I do not have to become attached to that thought, and that when I choose not to do this, my life becomes much less stressful and my body and mind both become at peace. I have caught myself at various moments this week thinking such negative thoughts and when I have realised what I am doing, laughed out loud at the stupidity of it all. The people with whom I work have no doubt been wondering what drugs I am on !

Seriously though my job as a cleaner, which involves working both in and outdoors (walking around a fairly large site to various other buildings and departments at least one of which is actually based outdoors) is the perfect environment to be practising this stuff. Because the job is routine, the mind tends to wander a lot, and this gives me a myriad of opportunities to notice this and try to gently bring myself back to awareness. It is also gives me the opportunity to practise my work mindfulness - when cleaning tiles for example the other day - as I sprayed the cleaning fluid I really noticed the smell, and as I began to clean, the texture of the tiles as my hands brushed against them to remove the dirt. Walking across the garden too can become a meditation (although only when on one is looking, another thought that I need to let go of - why does it matter what others think?).

One of the other more interesting revelations I have had this week was connected to my work and the fact that I have this need for routine and to be constantly busy. When I looked at this, and I mean really looked, I realised that the reason I prefer this way of working is because it means that I can work in automatic pilot and do not have to think too much about what I am doing - in other words, it gives me an excuse or a reason not to be mindful and to continue living inside the monkey mind. What a revelation that was. Since I first became aware of this towards the beginning of the week, I have been making an effort to really practise the mindfulness a lot more.

Of course it is not always easy. With the long awaited meeting on Thursday with my nemesis and her sidekick, the monkey mind and indeed my pain body have been positively licking their lips and feasting until they have both become big and fat. I though am aware of this as well, and am wise enough to know that you can sometimes use this to your advantage, for it is only by allowing yourself to be in this state that you can start to examine those thoughts and those negative patterns that arise.

I have been doing this for the past few days through he medium of a wonderful book by Byron Katie called "Loving What Is". The idea of this book is that we have really no choice other than to accept and what is or has happened in our lives, whatever that may be, as well, it has happened and it is there and to resist and struggle against this is futile and only causes us stress. Katie then has devised a series of four simple questions which she calls "The Work" to be used in these situations as a source of inquiry to find out what really lies beneath these thoughts and indeed who you would be if you were able to let go of them (usually a lot more peaceful and less angry). At the end of this process you achieve what she turns the turnaround where you realise that whatever it is that is causing you stress is actually a mirror image of what you are doing to yourself, so for example if you feel that someone should respect you more, then actually it is you that should respect yourself.

This is what I have been doing then this weekend, using this process of inquiry with my nemesis. What I wrote was this (her name has of course been changed):

"I don't like Lucy because she doesn't respect me, she thinks that I should go running every time she snaps her fingers and that I should always do what she says. She has a need to always be in control. She needs to realise that I am my own person and make my own decisions as to how to do my work, as it is my work. She is not my Manager and shouldn't tell me what to do. She doesn't have the right to shout at me and belittle me in front of clients who are vulnerable people, as this is a form of abuse".

When I turned this around I finished up with:

"I should respect myself and pay attention to my own needs, following my instincts and intuition. I should learn to let go of control and just go with the flow, accepting what is. I should learn to be comfortable with the decisions and choices that I make and not be afraid that others may not approve. I should learn and recognise that the world does not revolve around me and I do not have to be right. This does not mean a loss of power. I do not have the right to mentally shout at and torture myself with constant thoughts of negativity, trying to control everything and everybody, as this is a form of abuse. I should be gentle with myself and others."

What a turnaround that is !

As I have delved deeper into the book and read some of the exercises, it has become apparent to me that really lies beneath all of this is a great deal of anger and frustration - anger and frustration at feeling that I am not accepted as part of her team and that I do not fit in. Indeed when I think back to that day in August when all of this kicked off and her deputy first shouted at me, that was the thought that came out of my mouth as the tears began to fall. I can though also turn this around to read:

"I should accept myself and not worry about whether or not I fit in. I should learn to trust in the universe that it knows best what I need, and be safe in the knowledge that there is a place for me here on this Earth. It is okay to be different".

There will I feel be some interesting discussions then taking place both on Wednesday when we meet for the fourth session of Mindfulness and for the meeting itself the following day. Rather then being defensive and going in with all guns blazing, I need to sit in Mindfulness paying attention to those thoughts and feelings and approach the whole situation with compassion. I may end up thanking her for showing me these things about myself, which would certainly be a surprise to everyone.

Having said all of this, although I can accept that she (in fact both of them) did shout at me, and did fail to apologise, this does not mean that what they did was right. Maybe what I can do to really knock the wind from their sails is apologise to them for any hurt or misunderstanding that I have caused in their lives. I can't think of a better way of opening up a dialogue. When faced with these kinds of revelations and this degree of openness, very few people are able to resist and it is only a matter of time before they too begin to open up and be honest and truthful with themselves. That above all else is what I now wish to create and on that one I can be absolutely clear.

Love changes everything

Last Monday, one week today, we started our new routine at work with me working in the main house and my colleague in the onsite care home. Although this had been discussed at the time that I started this job, for various reasons, including major building work in the aforementioned care home, it had been put to one side. Negative comments to do with my work have now pushed this to the forefront, as it became apparent that the Manager of the Care Hone would be a lot happier were I not such a regular presence.

I admit that to begin with I felt resentful about this change, as I am familiar with working in care homes and so the routine feels safe and secure. This type of work can be very routine, and so much of the enjoyment is derives from contact with the clients with whom I converse sometimes quite deeply. This is one of several issues that the aforementioned Manager has brought to the attention of my own Manager, along with (according to her) eavesdropping on private conversations (how can they be private when they take place in communal areas), reading confidential documents (something which I have never done) and the fact that she is not happy with the standard of my work (strange, as 99 percent of the other employees say how much cleaner the place is since I started there). All of this leaves me to conclude that this is nothing to do with the way in which I work, but more to do with me as a person - that something about me is pressing her buttons.

The fact that these issues seemed to start around the time that I announced my engagement to Coran has not escaped my notice. Neither has the fact that things seemed to get worse after the Mental Health First Aid course when I was very open about some of the mental health issues that I have faced both in my own life with in relation to my the rest of my family. This leaves me to suspect that this is more to do with my relationship with Coran and her own issues to do with gender and sexuality. It is interesting that my own Manager has also picked up on this and without prompting from me, voiced the same opinion. If I am right regarding this, then the meeting that has been arranged between us for 20th November may be very interesting indeed, and for her at least, challenging to boot.

I have though got to the point where I am secure enough in my own skin and in my relationship to be able to fight my corner and deflect everything that comes my way, making it clear that this is her stuff and that she has to deal with it rather than projecting it on to me and making my own life difficult in the hopes that I will go away. This is not going to happen, for I have finally found a job where I can be me and where I am seen and heard for who and what I am and can be that openly and freely without having to hide and continually wear a mask. I am not going to give that up for her or for anybody else.

Now that the meeting has finally been arranged there is a huge sense of relief in that something tangible is actually (hopefully, she could refuse to go) happening that will enable us both to move forwards and hopefully accept each other. Who knows, we may end up as best friends.

Sewing the seeds

What with the New Moon in Scorpio on 23rd, the sun entering that same sign on 24th and the Solar Eclipse at around the same time, there have been some pretty dense energies floating around, which of course have brought with them the opportunity to clear an awful lot of stuff.

At this time of year, as the clocks go back and the darkness starts to descend, we start to turn inwards to hibernate in a sense while we wait for the light to return at the end of the year. This then is the perfect opportunity and the perfect time for introspection, to think deeply about what it is we wish to create in the New Year and the Spring that is to come. Winter is the time in nature when everything goes to sleep, hiding deep beneath the ground to be born again, and so it too for us..

To begin then at the beginning of the past week, I think I knew it was going to be an interesting day and an even more interesting week, when I got to work on Monday morning to be confronted by the sight of one of the male clients sitting on the toilet with his pants around his ankles. I rapidly closed the door to give him (and everyone else) some privacy, and turned around and walked rapidly back the other way. There I found two female residents discussing which one of them had produced the smelliest fart. I think it was at that point that I pretty much realised I had reached the bottom .....

Monday though was such a beautiful day weather wise that it was hard to remain in a gloomy and miserable place. I handed my letter to my own boss and read the contents out loud to him before handing a separate copy to the HR Manager who has been dealing with this mess. The HR Manager was busy and did not have time to stop and talk, but I had a good talk with my own boss, and was thoroughly reassured by what he had to say, namely that he agreed with what I had written and that he would support me all the way, even if meant picking me up off the floor ! Hopefully that won't happen. Monday then, all things considered was not a bad day.

Tuesday weather wise at least, was more of the same. The Manager who is the cause of these troubles was back at work which pressed my buttons slightly, but no more than usual. Towards the end of the morning my boss handed me a letter from HR in response to mine, which blew things wide open again. Basically it seems that during my absence the week before, he had spoken to the 2 ladies concerned and explained to them that I would he happy with an apology from them. He had given them a few days to mull things over, but they had come back to him and said no, that as far as they were concerned there was nothing to apologise for. And there I was thinking that the one who had the accident had changed. He wanted though to know what I wanted to do next, whether I wanted to still hold the meeting that I had proposed, and continue trying to meditate on an informal basis, or whether I now wished to make a formal complaint. My initial thoughts were that I wanted to kick the shit out of them, but after a chat with Coran and my own boss, I decided that this is really not the way to go, and that my initial analysis was correct. When you have a conflict of any kind, the only way to really resolve things is to sit down and talk. He explained though that although he could see where I am coming from it does sound inflammatory to ask someone about the cause of their pain and why they feel the need to hurt me, and so this may need to be slightly amended. Perhaps I could use the word challenge instead, for that is what it is; for some reason this woman, these women feel challenged by something I am doing, or being. That though was that.

On Wednesday the weather changed, and so did my mood. I felt as low as low can be - as if I could burst into tears at any moment. Throughout the day, I tried to do my Mindfulness, but was just not in the mood - one has to be in the right frame of mind, so in the end I gave up, there is no sense after all in beating yourself up. Once I had made that choice, the anxiety lifted a little, and I was able to function a little better, but the main problem was just tiredness. When I am in that space, where there is nothing but tiredness, the sadness gets amplified, and I feel everything much more deeply. My boss was a little concerned when he saw me sitting in the car with my hands over my eyes giving myself some Reiki, but I explained to him that I was trying to rest. He said that if things got that bad I must let him know and he would go and beat people up - he was jesting of course, but I know he is good man and that I have his support, and knowing that makes all the difference in the world.

In the midst of this angst, I had a revelation, namely that my father had also struggled with issues very similar to my own for much of his working life, with very similar consequences to my own, namely at times, depression and anxiety. From this came the realisation that because of this, I grew up with the expectation that my own working life would be the same, and so that is what I created. This though it not my stuff, but my Dad's and the time has come to hand it back, so that is exactly what I did, knowing that at this time of year when the veils are thinnest, it is the perfect time to do this.

On Wednesday night Coran and I began our Mindfulness course and despite the tiredness, it was interesting indeed. Ten of us took part, a mixed bunch all with their own reasons for being there. The teacher whom we had already met and spoken to at length, discussed what Mindfulness is and how it can hopefully help in how we react to stress. We did a few exercises to get the ball rolling - the full body scan and the raisin exercise where you look at a raisin with all of your senses as if you are seeing that raisin for the very first time, exploring it through touch, taste, sight, smell and even hearing. I suggested afterwards that we do the same exercise the following week with chocolate !

On Thursday morning Coran's anxiety levels were high again and she was in the same state that I had been the day before, this time giving in to the tears. I took the morning off then to be with her and we went for a walk in the sunshine and fresh air to try and clear our heads. Following her Doctors appointment towards the end of the morning, I returned to work and tried to carry on the best that I could.

That brings us to Friday, yesterday and the end of the week, where I was once again my usual buoyant self. One of the things to have come out of this debacle is the idea that the other housekeeper with whom I work and I will rotate duties from now one, whereby I work in the care home for one month while he works across the rest of the site, and vice versa. Until now I had always worked in the home, while he for the most part covered the rest of the site. This will create some space between the Care Home Manager and myself while also enabling me to learn about the rest of the site and what needs to be done. The two of us then had a meeting with our own Manager to iron out the details of this swap, so we both know exactly what the other does.

I admit that to begin with I was unsure as to how this would work, and whether it was the right thing to do, as it seemed to be borne from the need to create distance between myself and the Care Home Manager, although it is true that we had always planned to do this. Various things, including major refurbishments of the Care Home have conspired to place the idea on the back burner, but the problems with the aforementioned Manager have pushed it back to the forefront. Now that I have got used to the idea, I can see this as a good thing as although I will miss the routine and the interaction with the clients in their place of residence, I will still see them around the rest of the site. It seems to me that this is an opportunity to not only learn new skills, but also to practise my work Mindfully, as I will have all the time in which to do this. This will also show the powers that be just how good I am at my job when they see and realise the standard of my work and how much cleaner everything is when I do it, showing this female Manager up for what she is - for she has stated in contrast to everyone else, that I am not very good at my job and the standard of my work is lacking.

When the clients start to ask where I am, as I am sure they will do (as will the rest of her staff and for that matter, even the builders) she will start to realise perhaps, the error of her ways and that she was been hasty in her judgment of me. This will, with any luck start to sew seeds of change within her as during my absence she is forced to look at these feelings and these thoughts and begin the process of self examination. Yes, a little distance can only be a good thing.

A wedding and a funeral

Goodness me, where to even start. More than three months since my last post and most of that was trivial, surface stuff with very little that seems real or authentic. What is real and authentic you may ask? It is being in touch with your feelings and your true nature or essence. In order to do this we need to cultivate the practise of mindfulness, to go within and become aware of the depth of our being. This is easier said than done, especially when one becomes embroiled in the hustle and bustle of life - going to work, picking up the kids, housework and the drama of family life and relationships. This is nevertheless something that we all need to do in order to feel whole and to reconnect with who we are. It is something that I have done in various forms and under various names for much (maybe half) of my adult life but have lost touch with of late. I need now to reconnect.

Various things have forced me to acknowledge this and brought this realisation to the surface, most of which as always when it comes to me are connected to relationships at work. Before I start to write about this though, I need to write about our wedding and some of the events perhaps that led up that day and to that event. Let me then back up.

A few days before I wrote my last post, I attended a course at work called Mental Health First Aid. This was a 2 day course, designed to give Managers and other attendees the tools in which to deal with a mental health crisis and indeed to recognise the signs and offer first aid before it even gets to that point. The course which was pioneered in Australia, starts from the premise that many attend physical first aid courses to know what to do for example if someone has a heart attack in the street, but no one knows what to do for the mental health equivalent, what to do for example if someone has a panic attack or is experiencing anxiety. This course then gives you the tools in order to do this.

I have perhaps more experience that many of those who attended due to my family background. My sister you see experiences schizophrenia and my father experienced depression with sometimes suicidal thoughts for much of his life. My partner and now husband is also no stranger to mental health, being transgendered, which of course throws up all sorts of issues and has and continues to be challenging for both of us. This course was for me a life changing moment and something that I participated in fully, sharing many of my experiences as openly and honestly as I could, which in retrospect may have pressed a few buttons, buttons which as always needed to be pressed in order that others may look at and clear their stuff, assuming they are ready and willing to do so and recognise that they need to.

I had been aware of issues bubbling beneath the surface with certain of the Managers who attended this course for a while, and so sensing an opportunity, on the second day chose to sit next to these individuals in order to foster the opportunity to bond through shared experiences. I cannot say one way or the other if what happened later on was anything to do with this course, but I am aware that my relationship with these individuals, one of them in particular seems to have worsened since. It did not become obvious until later on, shortly before my wedding, when one of the clients passed away. This lady, who was in her 80's and disabled with no legs, had been in the care home in which I work for all of her adult life, so when she did pass, it left a huge gap which was felt by staff and residents alike. It was a difficult time for all, for the staff who in their own grief had to tell the residents, and for the residents themselves who struggled through their disabilities to make sense of it all and to express their own grief.

The lady had been hospitalised two days prior to her death, and I had the sense that she would not return, so I made an excuse when I knew she was ill to clean outside her room so that I could see one last time. I am glad that I did. The morning after she died, I was cleaning in the home when the Manager came along, and I asked her if there was any news. She replied "not yet" before scuttling off. Five minutes later, one of the residents came out of her room for breakfast and asked me whether I had heard the news, that the lady in question had passed away. Of course I was shocked, but continued to do my work.

. Shortly afterwards the residents started to come across from the other side of the house seeking support. One of these was a man with Downs syndrome who was ushered into the staff room with one of the staff. When another resident came along who was deaf, I was unable to communicate with her, so I knocked on the door to let them know she was there and was shouted at in front of both of these residents and the staff that were waiting outside. Shocked and upset I did not know what to do or how to react and so found a safe place in which to cry and deal with my own feelings and my own grief.

The following Monday I was shouted at again, this time for interrupting what I was informed was a private conversation, which confusingly took place in a communal area that was and is open to all and not behind closed doors. This was to the effect that a member of staff had been seriously injured in a car accident. I naturally wanted to know who this was as I am a compassionate person who wants to feel involved in the goings on at work. I later found out that this was the same carer who had shouted at me after I had knocked on that door.

The Manager though who had shouted at me re this so-called private conversation, reported this latest incident to my Manager, at which point the whole story came tumbling out, and he in his wisdom decided to involve HR, who arranged a meeting with me in order to hear my side. I then had to wait for the person who was injured to return to work, as it could not of course be dealt with while she was not there.

As if weddings are not stressful enough, all of this took place a mere week and a half before my big day. You can imagine the stress. The wedding though despite these issues went as planned, and it was a beautiful and memorable day that we both treasure After a brief honeymoon I returned to work to await this person's own return, which finally happened some three weeks ago. The HR Manager's mother then also died, resulting in yet more delays until we go to the point last week, two and half months after these incidents took place, that they still had not been dealt with. This brings us to last week, October 20th when I had a week off.

When I returned to work on the Friday I was told that there had been yet more complaints, about me entering rooms I had been asked not to among other things. All of these things are fabricated, as my Manager knows full well. In my absence he has reported this once again to HR, but until the first issue is dealt with, they cannot deal with another. What a convoluted affair ... .

I though have got to the point where I am fed up with this whole thing and this while scenario which seems to be a repeating pattern everywhere and in every job that I have. It seems that I deal with similar issues each time at each different place, and I get to the point where I think I have dealt with them and can move into a different and better space somewhere else, but it just keeps coming round. The thing is, although I know that some of this must be my stuff, I also know and feel that a lot of this is not. This is other people projecting their stuff onto to me. In the same way that I do not want to deal with my stuff, they do not want to deal with theirs. Most of it is probably nothing to do with me at all, but simply reminding them of things that have happened to them in their past. Rather than deal with and acknowledge that pain and where it is coming from, they try to eradicate what they feel is the source - i.e. me, by complaining about these issues that do not exist. This is controlling behaviour designed to distract their attention away from their own stuff and I have had enough. I am ready for change like I have never been ready before.

While this has been going on in my life, Coran my legal partner has been experiencing issues of her own. All of her rage from the past to do with issues of being controlled by others is coming to the surface, but none of the tools that she has used in the past are working. Corans doctor suggested that she undertake a course in Mindfulness, which by coincidence, starts this week just a few miles from where we live, and I have decided to enrol too. I intend to use this practise combined with the energy of compassion to resolve these issues, by asking for a meeting between the parties concerned in which I will ask one simple question: "What hurts you so much that you have to hurt me in order to feel better about yourself". This is a tremendously powerful and empowering statement as it leaves the person being addressed with nowhere to hide and opens the door to real honesty and vulnerability where healing can begin. The letter requesting this meeting shall be delivered tomorrow, and after that, we can only wait, breath deeply and see what transpires.

An exciting summer

It is one month today since I travelled to Iceland for my annual summer holiday, and 2 weeks tomorrow since I returned, so it seems fitting at last to write about the experience, which as always was over all too soon. I am no stranger to the country, having visited 8 times over a period of 30 years, and seen a lot of changes during that time. Being in a relatively low paid job, I had to set a strict budget of £100 a day for the entire trip (£1800) to include everything, including flights, which on the surface seems pretty ambitious. The credit card bills are beginning to come in, and although it is early days, I don't think I overspent by more than about £50. Almost everything bar a few bus tickets was booked in advance, so once I was there I only had to really budget for food and a few other day to day essentials such as bus tickets and swimming pools.

It takes planning to organise a trip like this and with such short summers, accommodation gets booked up quite fast - it is wise then to plan well in advance. Although Iceland is a relatively small island, approximately the same size as Ireland, it takes time to travel around, especially if like me, you do not have the luxury of a car. I usually then choose one or two areas to explore in depth - this time they were the Northwest and the Northeast respectively - using in this instance Isafjordur and Hesteyri in the Northwest as base and Myvatn in the Northeast. I stayed in the capital Reykjavik at the beginning and end of the trip, and for a few days in between as the various bus and air routes that I used all radiate from here.

I prefer to stay at hostels in order to keep costs down, but even these are not cheap at an average of 5000 ISK (around £25) per night. Compared to hotels though, these are a snip. The other advantage is of course that you can self cater - important if you have a specialised diet as I do (wheat free pistacarian - if you don't know what this means, look it up). I shared rooms and met with some great people from all corners of the world but also found that doing so does not guarantee a good nights sleep as many of them snored and had early flights to catch. The positives as always outweighed the negatives, for choosing to use this type of accommodation meant that I had more funds to spend on other things, which is let's face it, the whole purpose of travel.

I started as always in Reykjavik being as it is the capital (in fact only) city, just 45 minutes from the international airport at Keflavik. I spent 2 days there before catching a plane to Isafjordur in the Northwest fjords, a relatively unspoilt area off the beaten track for many visitors due to is remoteness. I had hoped to be able to get there by bus, a convoluted affair which meant travelling first to Stykkisholmur before catching a ferry which then connected with another bus, but sadly the connecting bus was cancelled due no doubt to the increase in car rentals, leaving me with no option than to fly.

Isafjordur is a small town with a spectacular town on a spit of land at the end of a narrow fjord which is ringed by snow capped mountains. From there I journeyed on to Hesteyri, an abandoned village in the even remoter Hornstrandir Peninsula - one of Europe's last known wilderness areas. Less than 1 percent of visitors to Iceland venture this far, the majority of whom are backpackers who since this area has very little infrastructure, have to be completely self sufficient and prepared for pretty much anything. I know that I will never be one of them, able to carry 20 kilos of weight on my back for up to 7 days while scaling high mountain passes and crossing rivers, so staying at the Doctors House, which has been converted into a summer hostel, was for me the next best thing.

My time here was certainly an adventure involving walks through snow fields, across mountains and beaches as well as an impromptu embrace from an icy cold river - I misjudged the strength of the current and ended up toppling over and very nearly being swept into the fjord. Luckily the ranger, a burly Yorkshireman saw what was happening and together with his German friend, came running down and got me safely to the other side - freezing cold, wet and very scared. It was alright in the end which I guess is all that mattered, but the experience nevertheless taught me an important lesson about respecting the power of nature.

Being early in the year there was a lot of snow in those mountain passes, so I appreciated my hiking boots and walking poles, both of which were put to good use. This area also proved to be an excellent area for photographing and watching birds, the light having an altogether different quality to that here at home, being much drier and free from pollution.        

After 2 days it was back on the boat and a return flight from Isafjordur back to Reykjavik for another 2 days, before heading on to Akureyri and ultimately Myvatn in the NorthEast. It was here that I spent the longest time (5 nights) as there is plenty to see with walking trails to various points to explore. A definite highlight was the walk back from the active region of Krafla across the lava fields and through lush green valleys on one of the warmest days of summer, and also the day trip to Askja in the highlands where I walked through ankle deep snow for 2.5kms to reach the crater which was still frozen and eerily silent.  

After five days here in Myvatn it was back to Reykjavik again at the end of the trip for a further 2 days of exploring the city before going back to the airport via the Blue Lagoon.

High  points of course abound, but there were one or two low points too - falling of course in that river, but also walking for an hour in the torrential rain on my birthday with no offers of a lift. It was worth it though to spend 2 hours reclining in the relaxing blue waters of the Myvatn Nature Baths. The sun came out  by the time I had to walk back. This sadly affected my views of the car renters, whom I came to see as quite selfish in their own way - it is not a green way to travel and it does affect things for the rest of us who cannot afford or do not wish to drive. I have noticed a definite move in recent years away from the traditional method of travelling around Iceland with a backpack and bus pass towards renting cars, which I feel is a shame, as new services when they spring up are being geared more and more towards this market, making it more difficult for those who cannot or do not wish to travel in this way. I can see the advantages of renting a car, but at an average cost of £85 a day for a small automatic in high season before you even put fuel in it, this is way outside of my price league. Low season though , which is any time before the middle of June or after the end of August is more feasible I could have had a campervan during these things for just £70 a day, which compares very favourably with the costs for this latest trip, allowing for fuel and food. This then is something that is definitely worthy of consideration for the future.  

I made the most of every minute of holiday time I had, so it was straight back to work a mere 12 hours after landing. I did wonder at the logic of this, but actually it turned out fine, as I had trained Coran well, instructing her with what food to get in and what laundry needed to be done so that I had clean work clothes for the following day and food for lunch. The staff and residents alike showed a keen interest in the trip once they realised where I had gone, even more so when they learnt that I had travelled alone. I think it helped more than one of them to change their perceptions of me, which is all good - I am no longer hiding who I am, but letting my light shine bright and clear, and for once it seems it is finally being seen.

I had saved for this trip for about 8 months, since last October, but now the bills are coming in, I have another reason to save, for our wedding is now less than 6 weeks away. We collected our rings today from the jeweller and will start to send the invitations out without the week - for both the wedding itself and the blessing one month later. Plans for both are well in hand. I have finally heard from my brother who said that he would like to come, although he is yet to text me with his address - there are still a few weeks though to go. This then is the start of a very exciting summer.

A journey to completion

News is starting to get out at both work and within the village in which we live of our impending nuptials, which has prompted some interesting discussions regarding the nature of both gender and love, and has no doubt led to certain individuals seeing me in slightly different light. I have been surprised actually at how honest and open I have been and as always with the reaction from those whom I have told, which has been nothing but supportive.

Earlier this week though it seemed as though we had hit a glitch. We were supposed to go to the Registry Office on Wednesday with all the pre wedding paperwork, including Coran's decree absolute from his first wife, with whom s(h)e split almost 20 years ago - long before we met. The only problem was that it had not been signed or dated, meaning that they were unable to accept it. My first thought was did this mean that they were still legally married, we both having kittens wondering what to do. Coran accordingly had to telephone first wife to let her know, which was a surprise for both of them.

The Solicitor who dealt with the divorce was unable to help, since their archives only went back 15 years, so it was back to the courts. After three days of trying in vain to get through, finally she did and they arranged for us to receive five certified and signed copies. Thankfully then it turned out that they were indeed divorced and all ended well.

It left me though wondering what this was all about, until last night when the ex wife rang again, wanting to see if things had been resolved. As Coran and she began to talk, they found themselves apologising to each other for the way that things had gone wrong between them, and after all this time clearing the air. The universe in its wisdom understood that before both of us took this step and began this new phase in our lives together, this was necessary for there to be no baggage from this past relationship. This was the only way to get them together and to get them talking, as otherwise Coran would have had no reason to contact her. The last time they met was 7 years ago at her father's funeral and a lot of water has gone under the bridge since then. Neither of them are the same people that they were, and they were both finally ready to put the past to bed. It did not escape my notice either that this took place on the last day of May - today being the first day of June which is of course my own name.

Coran and I discussed things afterwards and we have both decided that it would be really nice to actually go one step further and invite her to the wedding together with her own partner of 20 years, if she is free and wishes to come. We both feel that this would be a lovely gesture of completion.    

In the meantime, a new appointment has made for the Registry Office this Wednesday coming - and this time we have been assured that the paperwork is well and truly in order.