It is better not to know ...

A month, maybe more has gone by since last I wrote on this blog, and as usual too much has happened to detail or even remember for that matter. For the moment then, I havr to concentrate on what I feel right now, in this moment (knowing of course that this moment is all I have). So, how do I feel? In some ways this is a difficult question to answer, perhaps it should be what do I feel?

What I feel is a sense of relief. A sense of relief that the heatwave that we have been experiencing for the past day or so has broken, also a sense of relief in the fact that four days from now I shall be on my way to the Isle of Man, in fact, four days from now, I shall already be there, probably trudging around Tesco's - and I am looking forward to that?!

Seriously, I do need this holiday. I have been getting way too stressed (as usual)of late, with work, with the newsletter that I edit, and with life in general. The Manager of the nursing home where I work left abruptly at the end of May, without the staff being informed until right at the very last moment. She wrote us a letter supposedly letting us know what the situation is, but it left us with more questions than answers. Rumour has it, she experienced some kind of breakdown due to stress - I know her mother died recently, but really it is all conjecture. We will probably never know, but one thing I do know is that if these rumours are even halfway true, then she did the right thing in resigning in order to take time out, as that is the only way to truly heal and reflect on your life. Whatever she is doing I wish her well, but life goes on, and as the Directors atated in their own letter to us, she was just one member of staff, and the rest of us have to carry on doing what we are good at. I just realise that sometimes that was recognised a little more. We have received a staff satifsction survey to fill in detailing our thoughts as to how the home can be changed, so this is our chance to be totally honest and say what we feel, and I for one have taken the opportunity by the horns, knowing that I may not get another opportunity, and that if I fail to take this one, then I have no right to complain.

It seems a lifetime ago since everything kicked off with my sister, but she remains in my thoughts, and I do wonder how she it, and what she is feeling. I had a card from her on my birthday last week, and I gather from that that she is back in psyciatric hospital. They were unable to talk to me without her permission, and in order to get that permission they would have had to tell her that I had been in contact, so it is better at this stage that I do not know. They do however know where I am should there be an emergency.

So for the moment, I sit here at the computer drinking my tea and listening to the rain, wondering what the next few weeks will bring - it is better perhaps not to know, for the fun is in the sense of discovery that not knowing brings.

After the rain - refreshed and relaxed

After my last post, I sunk into what seemed at the time like a deep depression that I can only describe as a feeling of underlying hysteria. This seems to be common at the moment for those on the spiritual path, but when I was in the depths of that despair, that knowledge brought little comfort. It was a feeling of being completely overwhelmed by everyone and everything around me, that life was just too difficult and too hard to bear. I tried as much as I could to stay out of people's way, aware that my sensitivity made be bristly and awkward to be around, but even so, the least little thing would set me off. Several times I got to work and just sat in the car park and cried, and once after an altercation with another staff member, who yet again misunderstood my words, I went to the dining room and bashed the living daylights out of one of the chairs. This person like me, had their own stuff to deal with, and I suspect was feeling just as I was, in her own, and also like me, was not dealing with it very well.

A week later, after an American friend emailed and asked how I was, the feelings finally subsided. It was almost as if, that hand reaching out, and asking how I was, enabled me to open up and finally admit the truth - that I felt lost, frightened and alone, as if, if I found the courage to admit, truly admit how I felt inside, and let go, I would not be able to stop. Loss of control has always been one of deepest fears - perhaps because as a child I witnessed the results of it so many times.

The feelings though did subside, as always, to a feeling of acceptance and great calm and the recognition that I am not responsible for how others feel. My sister has made her choice, as we did too to change out number, and now we both have to live with the consequences. As for the meeting at work, well that too turned out to a bit of a damp squib and not nearly as bad as I feared. The results for the housekeeping team have been outstanding, in that the carers in their unwillingness to help us by bringing leftover trays back to the kitchen where they belong, have created another job for themselves, as one of them is now allocated the task of going back upstairs after their morning meeting to bring them down, clear them away and stack the contents nearly in the sink for us to deal with. It has also been made clear to them that it is their job to wash up and clear away the tea trolley, no matter how senior they are, as some have made comments to the effect that they feel it is menial work that is beneath them. These two small changes have done wonders already to bolster team working, removing the us and them mentality that seems to have developed of late.

So, on Monday Coran and I departed to Glastonbury for a much needed 3 night stay at the Chalice Well Lodge. The weather was mixed - sun and cloud with a light smattering of rain, but it was a joy to sit in the gardens each night and bathe in the energy of the town. I for one feel so much better for the break and can go back to work tomorrow refreshed and relaxed for the seven week countdown to to my visit to the Isle of Man.

Not the best day

Today has not been the best day for me - not only do I have to contend with the aftermath of changing our number and how I feel about having to do that, but I have also had to deal with stroppy memos from the boss claiming once again that the standard of housekeeping has fallen. It is bad enough that I have to deal with one of these things, but put the two together and then consider the way in which both have happened, and you can see how the two things have conspired to tip me almost to the edge.

I have been aware for a while that the boss was not altogether happy with the standards in the home, as there has been a definite increase in the number of items written in the housekeeping book, but I did not expect her to write what I consider to be extremely rude and confrontational memos to her assistant regarding this, expecting her to deal with it in her absence.

When the Assistant Manager informed me this morning that there would be a meeting to discuss various issues on Wednesday, when the Head Housekeeper is back from extended sick leave, this was one thing, but when I read the memo that the Manager had sent to her Assistant asking to deal with it, it knocked me six. It stated that although she is aware that the Head Housekeeper has been away, and there have been three housekeepers in on several occasions (actually not that many at all), there is still no excuse for the falling standards within the home and there needs to be a meeting to address these issues. The memo goes on to say that this meeting is to be properly minuted and a note put on each of the housekeepers personnel files stating what was discussed and what the outcome of the meeting was. This sounds to me like some kind of written warning, which I believe is totally unwarranted, and which I want no part of. When I accepted the full time job which commenced at the end of February, despite the fact that I had been here for 21 months already part time, doing the exact same job, they insisted on a second three month probationary period. I am worried now that they will use this as an excuse to extend it, like they did the first one, again for trivial things which have been largely outside of my control.

Up until the end of February, when the department was fully staffed, we had three full time housekeepers and one part time. When my colleague left and I took over her full time hours, this created a part time vacancy which is yet to be filled. So, when the Head Housekeeper went on extended sick leave, barely one month later, following an accident, this left us one full and one part time person down. When there are two housekeepers in, one works downstairs and one upstairs, cleaning the residents rooms and doing the kitchen and laundry respectively. Three days a week all three of us work together and that is when the Head Housekeeper does her weekly tasks of cleaning other areas around the home - among other things, filling the soap and paper towel dispensers, descaling the shower heads and cleaning carpets and upholstery. This is one of the areas being complained about, which under normal circumstances would be fair enough, but these are not normal circumstances. It does not seem to occur to them that these tasks can only be carried out when there are three of us in, and where this would normally be for three days each week, for the past six weeks it has been for one day every other week.

Given the the circumstances then I think we should be praised for managing to maintain the home as well as we have done. The Assistant Manager, who has been given the task of dealing with this while her own boss is away (the mark of a coward if ever I saw one), has indicated to me that she actually agrees with me, and cannot see what the fuss is about, but she has to go through the motions of conducting this meeting anyway.

To me, after all the hard work that I have put in, it feels like a kick in the teeth, and coming on top of everything else, it has been too much for me to deal with. When I got home, and found that BT had still not changed our number, despite their assurances that it would take 24 hours to complete, I rang them to find out why and was told that they do not count weekends and Bank Holidays as working days, and it will not be complete until next Tuesday - suddenly one day has become six. I really tore into them and told them in no uncertain terms exactly what I thought. Luckily the same rule apples to the call barring which we also cancelled, as otherwise we may have been exposed to yet more nuisance calls.

With Coran away for the afternoon though, helping a disabled friend to move, by the time I got home and finished dealing with all this, I just hid under the duvet and cried. I don't think anyone can truly understand how difficult and how stressful the last few months, dealing with all this nonsense from my sister has been, and the prospect of yet another meeting with her CPN on Tuesday does not make it any easier, as I know that I will have to rehash the whole thing and justify to yet another person why I feel the way I do, and why I felt forced to take the action that I did. I am just sick and tired of people continually pussy footing around giving credence to everyone else's needs other than my own, because I appear to be able to deal with things. Well appearances can be deceptive, because the truth is, I am not dealing with things nearly as well as they think I am. Like DelBoy from Only Fools and Horses, I do not want to play the tough guy (or in this case, girl), but do so because it is all I know how to do. It is a protective mechanism designed to insulate myself from the knocks that life has dealt me, and the lack of support from everyone it seems bar Coran.

Keane - This Is The Last Time

The final letting go

After a month or so of blissful silence and peace, two days ago, we had another 2 calls from my sister, both from different mobile phone numbers. She was shouting so loudly and being so abusive and unpleasant that Coran could literally hear her at the other end of the house. I promptly put down the phone and added both of these numbers to our barred list and then telephoned the Police, like I said I would do in my previous letter to her.They came round the following evening and stayed for an hour, taking a full report and making all the right noises, but it turned out to be just that - noises, with very little substance, for yesterday morning they telephoned again to say that they would not be speaking to her, and were closing down the file.

The only advice they could give us was to go back to her care team and/or change our telephone number, something we had been resisting until that point due to Coran's business. It was clear from that that despite the fact that it was them who actually caused the problem, by giving her our phone number in the first place, they are not prepared to help us, but continue to simply pussy foot around her, because of her 'illness' and unpredictability. It does not seem to occur to them how much this impacts on our lives, and how powerless it has made us feel, instead they just sit there saying that we have to talk to the care team and in their own words "make them earn their money". Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

Well, Coran and I decided that if they are not prepared to help us, then we have to help ourselves, so despite the inconvenience this will cause to both of us, in my role as Editor of the village newsletter, and for Coran in terms of his business, we have taken the power back into our hands and gone ahead and changed our number, knowing that this is the only guaranteed way to make sure that she does not call us again. There is nothing we can do to stop her writing, but we do not have to open her letters, and letters are far less disruptive than her constant whining down the phone, refusing to accept her humanity or the part that she has played in creating this scenario. So in the words of Keane, "This is the last time that I will show my face, one more tender lie and then I'm out of this place".I am sad of course that it has come to this, and I would have hoped that another solution could have been found, but it was not to be, for she showed a total unwillingness to meet us even a quarter of the way and we cannot have a relationship that is based on need, with we give and she just takes. Both of us have had enough.

It does seem so very final and I am so very sad that it has come to this, I am not sure if I will ever come to terms with the way in which this happened, and the way that she has forced our hand. It is like a grieving process, and I know that I have to let her go. The feelings though come and go, as I am sure they will for a while - feelings of anger, guilt and despondency at the seeming injustice of it all, and for the great loss of the person she once was and could be once again - the person that I may never see blossom into her full potential and become a functioning member of society. I have to though accept that it was and is her choice to remain in that situation, and so it was also my choice to accept that choice that she made and at the same time, to let her go. Maybe she will come back to me, maybe she will not, it is not my choice to make. The only thing I can do is to let her go with grace and get on with the rest of my life. With God's help, and the solace of some very good friends and a wonderful partner, I will get through.

One Big Society: Hiding in plain sight

Coran and I were listening to the news this week, in the aftermath of the Japanese disaster, discussing the difference between how this has been handled, compared to what happened at Chernobyl. It made us think how influential the Internet has become in spreading news so rapidly around the world, so that things like this can no longer be hidden. Bear in mind that the Egyptian revolution which recently toppled their Government, and is threatening to topple other regimes throughout the Middle East, started on the Internet.

The world is becoming smaller and smaller, like one big global village, reflecting the changes in society. The average man or woman in the street is no longer powerless, but does in fact have a voice, a voice that is increasingly being heard. We are beginning to realise at long last, that one voice can indeed make a difference, as all change has to start from within.

This also brought to mind the somewhat confusing Conservative Policy known as the Big Society. It is a phrase that has been much bandied about, but very few seem to understand exactly what it means, David Cameron quite possibly among them. The Big Society Network website states that the Big Society is: "a society in which ordinary citizens feel big in terms of being supported and enabled, creating real change in their own neighbourhoods". This is all well and good, but what if we took this one step further, and looked at this not only on a local level, but on a more global scale. We, every man, woman and child live on this one blue green planet, which we call Earth, collectively forming one big cohesive society.

When David Cameron states that we are in this together, people tend to think in terms of budget cuts and how rich and poor should, but appear not to be, sharing the pain, yet if we look at this from the global perspective maybe it does not mean this at all, maybe in our efforts to manage our own small lives, we are missing the bigger picture of what the Big Society really means, for in sharing this planet which is home to all of us, we literally are all in it together, like ants sharing different hills in the same field. Everything is connected by strands and threads of energy weaving their way across the ether, connecting all of our thoughts together until they make the whole. The thoughts that dominate become the collective conscious and conscious is the key word here, for we need to become more conscious of the impact that we have not only as individuals but as a whole, to look at the bigger picture of what will benefit the Big Society (and for that read the entire human race) as a whole. We can no longer isolate ourselves away thinking that the problems of others do not concern us, for we are all one, and we are quite literally in this together, whether we like it or not.

I suspect that Cameron himself is not aware of the deeper implications of his brainchild, this policy that he appears to have created, but one thing is clear from the events of Japan and throughout the Middle East, there will be many more changes to come. It is heartening to see green energy being debated on Question Time as a real alternative to nuclear power. This could also go a long way to resolving our dependence on oil, as the crisis in the Middle East intensifies, spiralling prices out of control. If the Americans think that their fuel prices are high, they should see what we have to pay, an average in this area at the moment of 136 pence per litre and rising.

Of course, I had rather a disaster like the Japanese one had not occured, and I feel desperately sorry for those who have lost their homes and their livelihoods, but maybe it was the only way to get our attention, to make us wake up and force through the changes that are so obviously needed, the redistributon of wealth and power back to the people on the ground, who form the majority of our population, wresting it away from the 5 percent who currently account for 95 percent of the world's wealth. They too can learn a lesson from this, that wealth does not bring power, and the higher you are, the further you have to fall. There are so many lessons that we can learn from this, if we choose to see them, and not buy into the negativity that has become a media frenzy. It is dificult to step back sometimes and see the higher perspective, but this year will go down in history as the one where everything began to change very much for the better, for here we have the makings of a society which truly is equal in every sense of the word.

The stormy seas of Surrey life

Two weeks into my almost new full time job, I am enjoying my first proper weekend off (apart from holidays) for almost 2 years. It was a novel experience for me to have a lie in at the weekend, and not to have to rush to get up and out ready for work.

I am pleased to report that the transition to full time has been relatively smooth. The 7am starts have not been nearly as bad as I thought they might be, aided no doubt by the time of year, as it begins to get light earlier in the morning. I have settled into it so well that I wonder how on earth I used to do the job without that extra hour. It makes a big difference and enables me to do the job much more thoroughly, finding time to do those extra tasks that I never had the time for before.

This week I have been working upstairs, which was a novelty for me, being used to working downstairs. I had to find a whole new routine, getting to know many of the residents who do not normally leave their rooms, and washing dirty laundry instead of dishes. Next week, starting on Monday I will be downstairs again with Thursday and Friday off, and then have seven days in a row to work until the following weekend when the rota starts all over again.

I find the days go so much quicker when the mind is occupied and relish my afternoons off being able to relax and read. Once the nights begin to shorten and spring turns to summer, I look forward to some afternoons at the viewpoint, relaxing on the grass and enjoying the sun without having to rush off back to work in the evenings.

Sadly not everything in my life is smooth sailing. Just as we thought we were finally going to get some peace, on Wednesday night, we had another call from my sister, three calls to be precise. I picked the phone up, not recognising the number and thinking it might one one of Corans clients, so was surprised to hear her voice, in the usual accusatory tones asking why we had stopped ringing her and why we had palmed her off on the care team. Attempts to explain were as usual fruitless, with my sister becoming more and more agitated and accusatory with every breath. In the end I was forced to tell her that I was unable to continue the conversation and I put down the phone. Five minutes later she rang again, and this time I let the answerphone pick it up. She left a message saying more of the same, why won't we talk to her, she needs us and we need her, blah, blah, blah. Well actually, no we don't need this at all.

One hour and one phone call later, with Coran home from his evening at the meditation group, the number was barred. The following day, calls were made to her new CPN, the local CAB and the Police, asking what the hell we can do to stop this once and for all. As fast as we block her numbers, she gets a new phone and calls all over again, leaving angry and abusive messages, failing to listen to one single word that we say. After the last meeting, two weeks ago, we really thought that this was it, but no, the message has still not sunk in, so this time, with the advice and support of her new CPN, we have written her a letter, setting out in no uncertain terms that we will not entertain this behaviour anymore and that she made the choice to walk away from us, knowing full well what the consequences would be.

She has to understand in the words of J Michael Strazynski, that the problem is not between her and us, but between her and herself. If the message still fails to get through and she continues to harass us, for this is what it is, we may have no alternative but to seek an injunction. This is not something that either of us would choose, but we have run out of other options, as everything else has failed.

Against the backdrop of this, I have then been very pleased to be at work, as it has meant that I am busy there and not sitting at home brooding and mulling things over. On a brighter note, the deposit has now been paid for my trip to the Isle of Man (I am going on July 2nd for 2 weeks), staying at a former boys boarding school in the south of the island). I have three months in which the find the balance, so all I have to do now is save the money and book the flight.