How do you keep the one you love?

On one of the readers Internet forums that I frequent, there is a very popular thread where members talk about what is happening in their lives on a day to day basis. It has been very useful for me in recent months, and enabled me to let off a lot of steam (without going into too much detail of course).

One of the members was discussing today how one of her friends had a huge argument with her boyfriend, when she thought he was flirting with someone else. He wasn't as it turned out, and it was to do with his ex's insecurity. This got to me to thinking about my own issues and what has been happening in my own life with regard to my partner and I.

In my considerable experience of watching daytime television (it isn't all rubbish), people get insecure for all sorts of reasons, but mostly because of their past. A Course in Miracles says that the closed mind believes that the past and the present will be the same, and there is much truth in this statement. People believe (and I am no exception) that history will repeat itself, and in the end, it often does, as they end up pushing the one they love away.

How though do you keep the one you love - to coin a phrase from Northern Exposure, by letting them go. My beloved partner and soul mate knows and understands this, and so 'allows' me the freedom to do what needs to be done - as I did for him when he wished to go on hormones as part of his gender re-balancing. You have to let people go so that they can become themselves, and sometimes that may mean a temporary separation.

It is the hardest thing in the world for both of us to do, on top of everything else that has happened (the events of Christmas also affected him deeply, as it reminded him of similar experiences in his own past); to have to choose between the two things I love the most in the whole wide world. In the end, it is not about choosing either of those two things, but about choosing myself, and doing what I have and need to do.

I have been trying to figure out why I have been putting off completing my application form for Lundy, when I know it needs to be done. It is almost as if I am afraid of what it will mean. To be honest, the whole thing terrifies me, but I know that I have to do this. It feels like I no longer have a choice. I have wanted this for so long, to have the opportunity to spend an extended time on the island and be a part of it, and now it has become real, I am left wondering whether it really is what I want after all. That brings up tremendous fear and uncertainty, but I cannot allow this to sway my decision and prevent me from moving forwards, I have to feel the fear, as Susan Jeffers says, and do it anyway.

We spent an hour or so going through the application last night thinking about what I can bring to the role and what attributes will be needed. It is not a difficult job, and I feel certain I could do it, but it is difficult sometimes to find the words. Yesterday we made some progress, and I went to sleep with my mind buzzing re the possibilities.

After I returned from my cleaning job and had some lunch, I sat down to complete the application and the words began to flow. I can now say that I am 99 percent happy with what I have written. I will sleep on it for a while and send the application tomorrow to be 100 percent.

With wonderful synchronicity, after I had completed all that I needed to do, I found an email from the island waiting in my inbox, confirming that they are expecting me as a volunteer on 2nd March, and asking the Diary Manager to make a note. I am all set then, 13 days and counting ...

Forgiveness is a switch in the heart

My good friend, astrologer extraordinaire Sarah Jane Grace visited this morning so my partner could do some work on her website. Her horoscopes for the month of January formed part of that work, and have now been uploaded. The horoscope for my sign of Cancer makes interesting reading and is as usual, spot on. It reads as follows:

"You begin 2009 a little on edge, feeling vulnerable with your emotions exposed for all to see. This is not a familiar situation for you are usually much more cautious and guarded. However, your buttons have been pressed over recent weeks and this has pushed your emotional life into the spotlight. Your sensitivities will heighten until the Full Moon on the 11th in your sign (the Moon is very important for you as she rules Cancer); so take some time to reflect on your life between now and the 11th. Your emotional life looks set to be a rocky road throughout this period, but try to channel your energy into a positive focus.

It is time to let go of those challenging emotional undercurrents (go on, admit to yourself at least that they are there). 2009 is a year of positive and rewarding change for Cancer, so try to see recent obstacles as the Fates way of helping you to clarify exactly what is important in your life. Equally as important is you proving to yourself that you are strong, and that if you put your mind to it, you can achieve just about anything in your life. Try to keep your cool as you work through this phase - explosive confrontations could throw you off track and leave you feeling exhausted."

While Sarah was here, I sat and watched last nights EastEnders so that she and Coran had space in which to work. During the programme, one character Dot Branning, had a visit from her estranged son Nick. Nick is shady character with a less than perfect past, in whom Dot has lost all trust, for good reason. During the conversation, as Nick tried to persuade Dot that he had changed, Dot said some interesting words, which I wrote down:

"Forgiveness is just a switch in the heart. Forgetting is different. Trust is different."

This inspired me, once the programme had finished to pick up my well worn copy of A Course in Miracles. I opened it at the index and scoured the pages for words of wisdom to guide me to the most relevant section that I needed to read. My eyes alighted on a section entitled "The Acceptance of Reality", starting at page 149, and turning the pages, I began to read. Some of those words I repeat here, with my own interpretation.

"Reality cannot 'threaten' anything except illusion, since reality can only uphold truth. If you do not know what your reality is, why would be so sure that it is fearful? The only source of fear in this process is what you think you will lose".

This got me to thinking about what it is that I most fear. Having no means of support. I am not afraid of what is happening, but of what might, and am living in the future rather than the present. Why should I be afraid of something that has not yet occurred, or might not anyway, and why should I be afraid of the consequences of extracting myself from a situation that has caused such pain and distress? This is to be celebrated rather than feared. I am glad this situation has arisen, for it gives me the opportunity to not only explore these issues, but also to be heard, and hopefully, acknowledged. That is all that anyone can ask for, and no more than I deserve. It will not take away my pain, but it will go a long way towards forgiveness and will signify that my truth has been understood.

Touching God

I have been aware for a few weeks now of a sense of unease in the back of my mind, which if I do not concentrate too hard, is just on the periphery of my vision. Many live with this feeling their whole lives, unaware of the cause, and unaware that there is anything else, that they can choose another way of being. Fortunately I do not fall into this camp.

I know that ultimately what lies behind this sense of unease is non acceptance of the now - the present moment, and what is happening in my life right now. To help me accept what is, and accept the sense of unease, for it is the act of accepting it that ceases its power over me, I have begun as of today to go over the lesson cards for A Course in Miracles.

I first discovered the course back in 1996, and got halfway through the book and cards before coming to an abrupt halt. When I got to the lesson where you had to give up all your fears, I found that I was not ready to do that, and so have not looked at the book (apart from to find the odd quote etc) since. I feel though that now is the right time to start reading it again.

I was reminded of this need last night, when I continued to read the Eckhart Tolle book, A New Earth. The page that I opened it at (page 240) said:

"Choose an object close to you - a pen, a chair, a cup, a plant - and explore it visually, that is to say, look at it with great interest, almost curiosity. Avoid any objects with strong personal associations that remind you of the past, such as where you bought it, who gave it to you, and so on. Also avoid anything that has writing on it such as a book or a bottle. It would stimulate thought. Without straining, relaxed but alert, give your complete attention to the object, every detail of it. If thoughts arise, don't get involved in them. It is not the thoughts you are interested in, but the act of perception itself. Can you take the thinking out of the perceiving? Can you look without the voice in your head commenting, drawing conclusions, comparing, or trying to figure something out? After a couple of minutes or so, let your gaze wander around the room or wherever you are, your alert attention lighting up each thing that it rests upon".

This is interesting, as the first lesson from the course is "nothing in this room means anything". Readers are encouraged to do the same exercise that Tolle describes above, gradually lessening attachment to the things that they see, and encouraging us to see with fresh eyes, perhaps to really see for the first time in our entire lives.

This reminded me of a deeply touching experience that I have each time I visit my beloved Lundy - one of my favourite occupations - to go out and night and gaze at the blackness of space. Living in towns and cities as most of us do, we do not often get the chance to see the night sky in all her glory, free from artificial lights with nothing between us and the vastness of space. I often go for walks at night when I visit the island, or climb the Old Light, to just gaze at the stars.

I believe that f you do not become completely absorbed and in awe when looking into the blackness and vastness of space, then are not truly looking. At this moment we stare deep into one of life's most incomprehensible mysteries and we have completely relinquished all sense of ego and self. The sense of awe is not derived from the fact that there are so many stars, or that we are small in relation to the universe, but from the depth that contains both of these facts.

When you become aware of space, you become aware of yourself and your own inner consciousness, as your consciousness opens up to expand that which is both within and without - our own sense of God. When the senses cannot perceive of anything, and the eye has nothing to see except the blackness, then that nothingness is perceived as space and a space opens up inside of ourselves that enables our spirit to shine forth. we connect with our sense of knowing and wisdom and realise that anything is possible, as the things that we see around us are no longer obscured or defined by form and we let go of all attachments.

When we observe beauty in nature, a flower unfolding, the sound of the sea, a beautiful sunset or sunrise, we touch a sense of recognition deep inside. We know that the stillness that we see in nature is a reflection of the stillness that lies at the core of our own being.

To coin a phrase from the best science fiction (or perhaps science fact) television programme in the whole universe, Babylon Five:

"I will tell you a great secret, Captain. Perhaps the greatest of all time. The molecules of your body are the same molecules that make up this station and the nebula outside, that burn inside the stars themselves. We are star stuff, we are the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out. As we have both learned, sometimes the universe requires a change of perspective." -
Delenn to Sheridan in Babylon 5: A Distant Star"