Our cross to bear

I was sitting in the coffee shop this morning, following a trip to the gym, and waiting for my partner, when I observed through the window, a procession headed by a man carrying a wooden cross, presumably in commemoration of the crucifixion, which according to tradition, took place today, on Good Friday.

The timing was as always impeccable, because at this precise moment, I was reading the chapter on the ego in Eckhart Tolle's book entitled "A New Earth". One of Tolle's and my own observations is how the ego needs to have an identity. People look for this in various ways, through their jobs, their families, their possessions, but also through their belief system (for this, read religion). To me, the idea of carrying a cross in commemoration of an event that may or may not have taken place, in memory of a man whom some say was little more than a myth, seems somewhat absurd, but that judgement is borne from my own ego.

It occurred to me as I watched the procession walk slowly past, that the symbol of the cross is a symbol for our own ego, and the need to "crucify" or perhaps examine, our own beliefs, which in reality, are little more than thoughts. The ego is quite literally the cross that we have to bear, as most of us are completely embroiled in the drama that it creates, believing that this is who we are.

The resurrection, which according to tradition, took place on Easter Sunday, where Jesus rose from the dead to be re-born to eternal life is symbolic of not the death of the ego, but the acknowledgement of what it actually is - a collective madness that keeps mankind in chains through feelings of lack and superiority, hence the need to "spend, spend, spend" acquiring more and and more "stuff", and the need to also "keep up with the Jones".

When we release attachment to the ego, and identification with stuff as part of who we are (my partner, my job, my this, my that), then we too are re-born to eternal life, for in the moment that we become conscious that we are the consciousness that observes the ego for what it is, our alertness rests within the eternal moment known as now. That moment, where past and future do not exist (they are both illusion anyway) goes on and on into infinity and so, as we rest within that moment, we are literally re-born to eternal life.

I have been through my own death and re-birth these past few months, in more ways than one, so it seems fitting to spend today in contemplation of such things.

Reactivity and Grievances

Last night just as I went to bed, I was inspired to pick up my copy of "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I opened the book, as one does, at page 64 and my eyes were immediately drawn to a passage entitled "Reactivity and Grievances", which made me laugh when I consider the three grievances I lodged against my former employer, which only last week were finally resolved.

Tolle says that a grievance is really nothing more than a long standing resentment. To carry a grievance is to be in a permanent state of "against", which is why grievances form such a significant part of many people's (and I include myself in this) ego.

A grievance is a strong negative emotion connected to events past, sometimes a long way past, which is being kept alive by compulsive thinking, by the mind constantly re-telling the story of for example, what happened to us, or what such and such did (in my case, ex employers). It has the power to contaminate large sometimes unrelated areas of our lives (and you cannot get much larger than the world of work, which most of us spent a third of our lives enmeshed in), for the negative charge that it carries can and often does influence the way in which we speak and react towards people or situations in the present.

When I stop to think about this and how my own problems with various jobs have affected my life, this is very true. The latest incident was the last in a long line of problems with various different jobs. I have observed that when I go into a new job, or have an interview, it is almost as if I am anticipating problems, and so so that is what I end up creating. This series of events has as Tolle says, kept me in the grip of ego for when I think about it, the past 25 years.

It requires honesty and a lot of soul searching to come to that realisation, but when I look beyond the thoughts to the emotions that keep this alive, and are the body's natural response, I recognise that there is a lot of work to be done, and a lot of people that I need to forgive, not least of all myself. Forgiveness happens naturally when we realise that holding a grievance has no purpose other than to keep us trapped in ego, the false sense of self, thus perpetuating our own suffering.

The past has no power to stop me from being in the present moment, only my grievances and my pain can do that, and what is a grievance? A bundle of old thoughts and emotions about something that no longer exists.

The sound of silence

Earlier today, with nothing better to do, I picked up my copy of Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth", and began to read, at first at random and then leafing through the index for points of interest. This led to me to the section on the pain body and its need to feed on others pain in order to replenish itself.

For the benefit of those who have not read this work, and are unfamiliar with Tolle's work, the pain body is described (page 144-145) as "a semi autonomous energy-form that lives within most human beings, an entity made up of emotion". Tolle goes on to say, "It has its own primitive intelligence, not unlike a cunning animal, and its intelligence is directed primarily at survival. Like all life-forms, it periodically needs to feed - to take in new energy - and the food it requires to replenish itself consists of energy that is compatible with its own, which is to say, energy that vibrates at a similar frequency. Any emotionally painful experience can be used as food by the pain body. That's why it thrives on negative thinking as well as drama in relationships. The pain body is an addiction to unhappiness".

This got me to thinking about the effect that the media and negative news reporting has on our pain bodies. I once heard Robert Holden, founder of the first laughter clinic in the UK comment that journalism was the most depressing occupation, since reporters spend most of their time looking for bad news. It is not just newspapers that feed the pain body, but any form of violence. It is one of life's mysteries why so many humans pay millions and millions of pounds to watch other humans kill and inflict pain on each other in the guise of entertainment.

In days gone by this 'entertainment' took place inside the Gladiatorial arena, and in modern times, within the Boxing Ring. It also though takes place on the big screen, and increasingly the smaller one, through television and video games.

The reason these films and games attract such large audiences is because they help feed the pain body's addiction to more pain, providing it with food and sustenance. Such material is written and conceived by pain bodies, as well as watched, and is becoming increasingly more violent and graphic, with a (as yet unproven) resultant increase in violent crimes.

This also got me thinking about the effect of working in an environment that sells these games, or the consoles on which they are played, or even stores that have televisions and loud music switched permanently on, which seems to be increasingly the norm.

Customers who play these games to excess, or wish to buy these consoles, are feeding not just their own addiction, but also their pain bodies. They are likely to have extremely dense and active pain bodies and are not nice people to be around. The staff who work in these outlets pick up the vibrations from these pain bodies on a very subtle level, in some cases, triggering their own pain bodies and making what must already be a stressful job even more so.

It is the same with loud music, which contrary to popular opinion, the majority of shoppers (aged 30 plus at least anyway, and don't forget that this age group do form the majority of our population) do not like. It may work in clothes shop that cater for the young, but not in supermarkets or other outlets. Research shows that where uptempo, motivational music is played, staff work faster and are more productive, but this constant noise bombardment also means that they are unable to switch off and hear themselves think.

Perhaps this is the whole idea, for this constant bombardment of external noise means that they are unable to listen to the voice within. Like the incessant music that is designed to blot this out, the voice within, which is part of the pain body, can quite literally lead us to distraction. The over active mind, so Tolle says, is the most serious illness affecting our planet.

It is ironic that those with the densest pain bodies also have the greatest potential for growth. The voice within can also set us free, when we reach the point when we can no longer live with our own unhappiness. By covering this voice up with external forms of noise, we ensure that we never reach that point, and remain trapped in the illusion that is our mind, unable to think or feel for ourselves and totally subservient to those what we serve.

The right to silence is one we must fight for at all costs, for it is also a fight to preserve our sanity and heal the world.

Touching God

I have been aware for a few weeks now of a sense of unease in the back of my mind, which if I do not concentrate too hard, is just on the periphery of my vision. Many live with this feeling their whole lives, unaware of the cause, and unaware that there is anything else, that they can choose another way of being. Fortunately I do not fall into this camp.

I know that ultimately what lies behind this sense of unease is non acceptance of the now - the present moment, and what is happening in my life right now. To help me accept what is, and accept the sense of unease, for it is the act of accepting it that ceases its power over me, I have begun as of today to go over the lesson cards for A Course in Miracles.

I first discovered the course back in 1996, and got halfway through the book and cards before coming to an abrupt halt. When I got to the lesson where you had to give up all your fears, I found that I was not ready to do that, and so have not looked at the book (apart from to find the odd quote etc) since. I feel though that now is the right time to start reading it again.

I was reminded of this need last night, when I continued to read the Eckhart Tolle book, A New Earth. The page that I opened it at (page 240) said:

"Choose an object close to you - a pen, a chair, a cup, a plant - and explore it visually, that is to say, look at it with great interest, almost curiosity. Avoid any objects with strong personal associations that remind you of the past, such as where you bought it, who gave it to you, and so on. Also avoid anything that has writing on it such as a book or a bottle. It would stimulate thought. Without straining, relaxed but alert, give your complete attention to the object, every detail of it. If thoughts arise, don't get involved in them. It is not the thoughts you are interested in, but the act of perception itself. Can you take the thinking out of the perceiving? Can you look without the voice in your head commenting, drawing conclusions, comparing, or trying to figure something out? After a couple of minutes or so, let your gaze wander around the room or wherever you are, your alert attention lighting up each thing that it rests upon".

This is interesting, as the first lesson from the course is "nothing in this room means anything". Readers are encouraged to do the same exercise that Tolle describes above, gradually lessening attachment to the things that they see, and encouraging us to see with fresh eyes, perhaps to really see for the first time in our entire lives.

This reminded me of a deeply touching experience that I have each time I visit my beloved Lundy - one of my favourite occupations - to go out and night and gaze at the blackness of space. Living in towns and cities as most of us do, we do not often get the chance to see the night sky in all her glory, free from artificial lights with nothing between us and the vastness of space. I often go for walks at night when I visit the island, or climb the Old Light, to just gaze at the stars.

I believe that f you do not become completely absorbed and in awe when looking into the blackness and vastness of space, then are not truly looking. At this moment we stare deep into one of life's most incomprehensible mysteries and we have completely relinquished all sense of ego and self. The sense of awe is not derived from the fact that there are so many stars, or that we are small in relation to the universe, but from the depth that contains both of these facts.

When you become aware of space, you become aware of yourself and your own inner consciousness, as your consciousness opens up to expand that which is both within and without - our own sense of God. When the senses cannot perceive of anything, and the eye has nothing to see except the blackness, then that nothingness is perceived as space and a space opens up inside of ourselves that enables our spirit to shine forth. we connect with our sense of knowing and wisdom and realise that anything is possible, as the things that we see around us are no longer obscured or defined by form and we let go of all attachments.

When we observe beauty in nature, a flower unfolding, the sound of the sea, a beautiful sunset or sunrise, we touch a sense of recognition deep inside. We know that the stillness that we see in nature is a reflection of the stillness that lies at the core of our own being.

To coin a phrase from the best science fiction (or perhaps science fact) television programme in the whole universe, Babylon Five:

"I will tell you a great secret, Captain. Perhaps the greatest of all time. The molecules of your body are the same molecules that make up this station and the nebula outside, that burn inside the stars themselves. We are star stuff, we are the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out. As we have both learned, sometimes the universe requires a change of perspective." -
Delenn to Sheridan in Babylon 5: A Distant Star"

The new Genesis of Man

I watch my mind at work sometimes, and can almost laugh at the stupidity of it all. The mind does its best to tick away with all the 'it's not fair', 'I can't stand this job', 'I wish they would hurry up and shut this store down!' (there have been plenty of the last two of late), but none of it is real, and none of it really matters.

I won't deny that this job has been challenging in lots of different ways, but still I recognise that I did choose to be here (quite literally, as within two days of being offered it, I was also offered and turned down, interviews at least for two other jobs). Somewhere, on some level, it was as if I knew that I had to see this through. The logical part of me was screaming on my first day that this was not right, that I would not be happy here, that I was not interested in what we sell, but I knew that I had to see it through, and so I have, regardless of the challenges and the tests, and there have been lots of them - the late lunches, the heavy lifting (some of the larger items are almost as big as I am), the constant noise bombardment, being the only female (living with my partner, who is a cross dresser and borderline transsexual, I am not used to being around "typical" males).

I get round the noise bit by shutting myself in the ladies loo at regular intervals, and by sitting in silence at lunch time, I get round the lack of interest by trying to learn, and I get round the lifting bit with hot baths and massages. As for the masculine bit, I have discovered that you cannot judge a book by its cover, as my Manager, who looks every bit the stereotypical male, with his deep voice, big muscles and bald head, is actually a pussy cat in disguise. I don't think he realises this himself, but he is actually a very sensitive and deeply spiritual man. It is the fact that he does not know this that makes him so spiritual, and also his many years of management.

You cannot be a Manager in retail after all, without knowing a thing or two about human nature, and what makes people tick. If I am honest, I do not care much for what I see of the nature of our typical customer - especially the young ones, who seem more concerned with how things look and how much they cost than whether or not they actually work and do a good job. My Manager said the same thing, when we were talking last week.

Reading some more of Eckhart Tolle's wonderful book 'A New Earth', he says that "Unhappiness or negativity is a disease on our planet. What pollution is on the outer level is negativity on the inner level". When I watch my mind and observe the unconscious behaviour of others, I know that he is right. It is a disease indeed, and the biggest threat facing our planet. The problems we face are spiritual, not political, for if we could really look inside and consciously examine our thoughts and our motivations, then we would see the madness that we are living in that is created by our minds, and we would bring ourselves into the present moment, making conscious efforts to change. This would be the new Genesis of Man.

All the problems that we face, famine, war, intolerance, etc, etc, are all caused by what we perceive as lack, and if you go deeper still, then you realise that ultimately the solution lies not in filling the void with unnecessary stuff, and not in worrying our lives away about what we should have and do not have, but in accepting the situation that we have and fully embracing the now. Now is after all the only moment that we have. The past is over so cannot affect us, the future is yet to happen, so the only moment is now, we should strive to grasp that moment and live life to the full, as that one moment goes on forever into infinity.

When Jesus said that those who followed him would be reborn to eternal life, this is what he meant, that if his teachings were followed and understood, then we could learn to live in the present moment, which is eternal and everlasting. We would therefore be literally reborn to eternal life. What an interesting discussion that could make with some Christians that I know - and as I write this I am aware that the mind is there again, wanting me to be right, so that they are then wrong. There is no right and wrong, it is all just differing opinions. The problem begins when those differing beliefs are made 'exclusive', and when we confuse our beliefs with who we are, so that others of differing opinions are wrong. This unfortunately, is something that we all do, and I am no exception to this, I realised this when I watched myself becoming angry last night, as I watched a programme on fundamentalist Christians in Britain.

No matter how many different forms life takes, no matter how many dramas we create to fill the 'time', bodies, egos, events, situations, thoughts, emotions, desires, fears and so on, it is all fleeting and none of it has any more meaning than that which we choose to give it. Another second passes and we think another thought, dream another dream, and so it goes on, until the world is filled with dreams, we have dreamt our lives away, and nothing has been accomplished.

Work I have then discovered, is the perfect and yet most challenging place to play this scenario out - exhausting though it sometimes is, both physically and emotionally. I did choose this path though, and so I will continue to follow it for as long as the universe deems that I need to be here. My ego can still hope though that it won't be for too long!

Acceptance of what is

I have just returned from a particularly interesting morning with my friend and astrologer extraordinaire, Sarah Jane Grace. Readers may recall that for some time now, I have been studying with Sarah on her course entitled Astrodynamics.

The morning began with looking at the Sabian symbol for the day - the Sabians being a star worshipping 'cult' from south-east Turkey, originating in the dim and distant past. Writer Andrew Collins mentions them in some of his books - in particular his latest, The Cygnus Mystery and also his first book, From the Ashes of Angels. The wording though for the symbol is as follows:

"A quiet, youthful young couple are walking down a busy street stopping to peer into every window with joyful glee".

It was interesting how this meant different things to different members of the group. For me it seemed to relate to materialism and how although on the surface many of these things seem to be illusory and transient, they are linked in ways that we do not know, for it is actually the sale and acquisition of these 'things' that keep the universe in motion, and the wheels ticking over, creating a ceaseless ebb and flow of monetary energy upon which we all depend.

We moved into the sign of Taurus the bull around nine or ten days ago, and since then, well, I don't need to tell you of all the dramas that have manifested in my life. The bull is one of those strange almost two faceted animals, which on the one hand looks graceful, quiet and serene grazing in the field, yet if you anger him and get on his wrong side, then boy do you know it! He is a slow and patient animal which cannot be pushed and has to be allowed to do things in his own time and at his own pace, in many ways a bit like myself.

The material world makes few allowances for this with the frenetic pace of modern life, and it seems, more and more demands being placed upon us every day. Customers have to be seen and dealt with then and there when they are in front of you, even if it is time for lunch, or you need to go to the toilet; they cannot wait and their needs have to come first, as secondary to your own. This is the nature of retail and the modern world that we live in.

There is also another side to Taurus, which resists these challenges and these pressures. Venus the ruler of Taurus, appreciates nature and sensuality, and this is bursting forth, as witnessed by the sudden blossoming this week of the cherry trees around our area. Aries, the sign that we have just left, was about that urgent creative spark, and as the energy builds towards the Summer Solstice on June 21st (my birthday as it happens) this is a perfect opportunity to put our dreams and aspirations into action, to stride out into the universe and make things happen through our intent.

Taurus is the lull in between, that creative space where you are waiting for those things to happen, and well, I have never been a particularly patient person. This has to a large extent been instilled into me by the demands of the material world, and the aforementioned career in retail that I mentioned.

It seems that the first thing that I do each morning after I have showered is switch on this damned computer. It is also the first thing I do, after removing my uniform when I get home from work. I do not allow myself to switch off and even switch between modes, but just rush from one place, to the next never allowing myself to unwind and just be. No wonder my mind is so over active then, and no wonder I cannot switch off. The time would be much better spent, I have come to the conclusion, in silent meditation, as this would set me up for the day so that I start at work refreshed and in the right frame of mind, free from distractions of not just my book, but everything else too. This then is the over riding thing that I got from today.

I cannot afford to waste time worrying about the things that I cannot control, and which are outside of myself. When you are in the midst of identification with the mind, which is a very powerful thing, it is all consuming and you cannot see the wood for the trees. You become absorbed and almost totally surrounded by what Eckhart Tolle refers to as the pain body, which is a complex interweaving of thought forms and emotions, a product of our past experiences. This is the baggage that has been imposed upon us not just by society, but also by ourselves, for we have been complicit in allowing society to 'do' these things to us, and have allowed this baggage to become 'ours'. Once we begin to see through this, as I have done today, then there comes a tremendous release of pent up emotion, and beneath that, a deep sense of peace and acceptance of what is. It is a knowing of what needs to be done and an acceptance of what is, the recognition that you no longer need to be right or to be angry with the world, for all is at peace, and is manifesting as you have chosen it to be.

The demise of the ego

During the past week, being back at work full time (which for me means four days a week) I have become at times, almost painfully aware of just how over active my mind is. By this I mean that there seems to be this endless chatter going on in the background, in the periphery of my vision, which manifests itself as a vague feeling of dissatisfaction and unease. This seems to be borne from the fact that I do not like the life I have chosen, or more accurately, that my ego does not like the life that I have chosen.

The ego though is an illusion and not who I am, it is merely the inner manifestation of all my deepest fears and loathings, about not just life, but ultimately who and what I am. It is the part of me that wishes to deny my own divinity, for to accept this will mean that I am powerful beyond measure and have no need for the pettiness that the ego becomes embroiled in. This, like the various products that we sell at work, is merely a distraction designed to detract away from the fact that I am not just unique, but also divine - for God does not rest outside of us as some obscure and judgmental man, or even woman, but lives in the heart of every single one of us. The ego uses every means at its disposal in order to deny this very important fact, and will go to almost any lengths, including killing us slowly inside, through insanity or other means (Eckhart Tolle says that the over active mind is the greatest form of insanity) in order to get us to hide from the truth.

The expensive items we sell at work are not in the scheme of life important, but are things and trappings that we surround ourselves with in order to stay trapped on the perpetual treadmill called work. We are told that we must have these things, so we go out to work in order to buy them, getting into so much debt that we have to continually work harder, and thus have no time to be still and stop thinking. I see through the trap though and choose not to have these things in my possession. I still though have to sell them at work, and this is where the challenge lies.

It occurs to me that the reason I have chosen this particular job is because of the unique challenges that it brings - in other words to be in the illusion but not be part of it. This means that I can observe from a detached perspective all the goings on and all the ego talk of my colleagues and customers - two of my colleagues in particular act like overgrown school boys, practically drooling over video games and the latest technology as if they were some prize to be cherished, and talking about beer and women in much the same vein.

Some women would be mortally offended at this talk, but not me, I just grin silently to myself and observe the silliness and almost obsessiveness of the whole thing. And yet at the same time, I have been amazed this week at just how similar in some ways we are. We were having a conversation the other day as we helped with the delivery, about women who moan about there not being any good men and how they can't maintain a relationship and how lonely they feel, and in the next breath say how they value their independence and don't want to get tied down. There is a great paradox here that the majority of these women seem unaware of. No wonder men are so confused as to what women want - how can they know after all how to treat us if we do not know ourselves how we wish to be treated.

How though do I wish to be treated - as a human being with feelings and emotions, and with the knowledge that I am not infallible and need love and nurturing as much as the next person. I also perhaps more fundamentally, wish to be treated in the same way that others would wish to be treated - with courtesy, honesty, integrity and respect.