After my last post, I sunk into what seemed at the time like a deep depression that I can only describe as a feeling of underlying hysteria. This seems to be common at the moment for those on the spiritual path, but when I was in the depths of that despair, that knowledge brought little comfort. It was a feeling of being completely overwhelmed by everyone and everything around me, that life was just too difficult and too hard to bear. I tried as much as I could to stay out of people's way, aware that my sensitivity made be bristly and awkward to be around, but even so, the least little thing would set me off. Several times I got to work and just sat in the car park and cried, and once after an altercation with another staff member, who yet again misunderstood my words, I went to the dining room and bashed the living daylights out of one of the chairs. This person like me, had their own stuff to deal with, and I suspect was feeling just as I was, in her own, and also like me, was not dealing with it very well.
A week later, after an American friend emailed and asked how I was, the feelings finally subsided. It was almost as if, that hand reaching out, and asking how I was, enabled me to open up and finally admit the truth - that I felt lost, frightened and alone, as if, if I found the courage to admit, truly admit how I felt inside, and let go, I would not be able to stop. Loss of control has always been one of deepest fears - perhaps because as a child I witnessed the results of it so many times.
The feelings though did subside, as always, to a feeling of acceptance and great calm and the recognition that I am not responsible for how others feel. My sister has made her choice, as we did too to change out number, and now we both have to live with the consequences. As for the meeting at work, well that too turned out to a bit of a damp squib and not nearly as bad as I feared. The results for the housekeeping team have been outstanding, in that the carers in their unwillingness to help us by bringing leftover trays back to the kitchen where they belong, have created another job for themselves, as one of them is now allocated the task of going back upstairs after their morning meeting to bring them down, clear them away and stack the contents nearly in the sink for us to deal with. It has also been made clear to them that it is their job to wash up and clear away the tea trolley, no matter how senior they are, as some have made comments to the effect that they feel it is menial work that is beneath them. These two small changes have done wonders already to bolster team working, removing the us and them mentality that seems to have developed of late.
So, on Monday Coran and I departed to Glastonbury for a much needed 3 night stay at the Chalice Well Lodge. The weather was mixed - sun and cloud with a light smattering of rain, but it was a joy to sit in the gardens each night and bathe in the energy of the town. I for one feel so much better for the break and can go back to work tomorrow refreshed and relaxed for the seven week countdown to to my visit to the Isle of Man.