Keane - This Is The Last Time

The final letting go

After a month or so of blissful silence and peace, two days ago, we had another 2 calls from my sister, both from different mobile phone numbers. She was shouting so loudly and being so abusive and unpleasant that Coran could literally hear her at the other end of the house. I promptly put down the phone and added both of these numbers to our barred list and then telephoned the Police, like I said I would do in my previous letter to her.They came round the following evening and stayed for an hour, taking a full report and making all the right noises, but it turned out to be just that - noises, with very little substance, for yesterday morning they telephoned again to say that they would not be speaking to her, and were closing down the file.

The only advice they could give us was to go back to her care team and/or change our telephone number, something we had been resisting until that point due to Coran's business. It was clear from that that despite the fact that it was them who actually caused the problem, by giving her our phone number in the first place, they are not prepared to help us, but continue to simply pussy foot around her, because of her 'illness' and unpredictability. It does not seem to occur to them how much this impacts on our lives, and how powerless it has made us feel, instead they just sit there saying that we have to talk to the care team and in their own words "make them earn their money". Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

Well, Coran and I decided that if they are not prepared to help us, then we have to help ourselves, so despite the inconvenience this will cause to both of us, in my role as Editor of the village newsletter, and for Coran in terms of his business, we have taken the power back into our hands and gone ahead and changed our number, knowing that this is the only guaranteed way to make sure that she does not call us again. There is nothing we can do to stop her writing, but we do not have to open her letters, and letters are far less disruptive than her constant whining down the phone, refusing to accept her humanity or the part that she has played in creating this scenario. So in the words of Keane, "This is the last time that I will show my face, one more tender lie and then I'm out of this place".I am sad of course that it has come to this, and I would have hoped that another solution could have been found, but it was not to be, for she showed a total unwillingness to meet us even a quarter of the way and we cannot have a relationship that is based on need, with we give and she just takes. Both of us have had enough.

It does seem so very final and I am so very sad that it has come to this, I am not sure if I will ever come to terms with the way in which this happened, and the way that she has forced our hand. It is like a grieving process, and I know that I have to let her go. The feelings though come and go, as I am sure they will for a while - feelings of anger, guilt and despondency at the seeming injustice of it all, and for the great loss of the person she once was and could be once again - the person that I may never see blossom into her full potential and become a functioning member of society. I have to though accept that it was and is her choice to remain in that situation, and so it was also my choice to accept that choice that she made and at the same time, to let her go. Maybe she will come back to me, maybe she will not, it is not my choice to make. The only thing I can do is to let her go with grace and get on with the rest of my life. With God's help, and the solace of some very good friends and a wonderful partner, I will get through.

One Big Society: Hiding in plain sight

Coran and I were listening to the news this week, in the aftermath of the Japanese disaster, discussing the difference between how this has been handled, compared to what happened at Chernobyl. It made us think how influential the Internet has become in spreading news so rapidly around the world, so that things like this can no longer be hidden. Bear in mind that the Egyptian revolution which recently toppled their Government, and is threatening to topple other regimes throughout the Middle East, started on the Internet.

The world is becoming smaller and smaller, like one big global village, reflecting the changes in society. The average man or woman in the street is no longer powerless, but does in fact have a voice, a voice that is increasingly being heard. We are beginning to realise at long last, that one voice can indeed make a difference, as all change has to start from within.

This also brought to mind the somewhat confusing Conservative Policy known as the Big Society. It is a phrase that has been much bandied about, but very few seem to understand exactly what it means, David Cameron quite possibly among them. The Big Society Network website states that the Big Society is: "a society in which ordinary citizens feel big in terms of being supported and enabled, creating real change in their own neighbourhoods". This is all well and good, but what if we took this one step further, and looked at this not only on a local level, but on a more global scale. We, every man, woman and child live on this one blue green planet, which we call Earth, collectively forming one big cohesive society.

When David Cameron states that we are in this together, people tend to think in terms of budget cuts and how rich and poor should, but appear not to be, sharing the pain, yet if we look at this from the global perspective maybe it does not mean this at all, maybe in our efforts to manage our own small lives, we are missing the bigger picture of what the Big Society really means, for in sharing this planet which is home to all of us, we literally are all in it together, like ants sharing different hills in the same field. Everything is connected by strands and threads of energy weaving their way across the ether, connecting all of our thoughts together until they make the whole. The thoughts that dominate become the collective conscious and conscious is the key word here, for we need to become more conscious of the impact that we have not only as individuals but as a whole, to look at the bigger picture of what will benefit the Big Society (and for that read the entire human race) as a whole. We can no longer isolate ourselves away thinking that the problems of others do not concern us, for we are all one, and we are quite literally in this together, whether we like it or not.

I suspect that Cameron himself is not aware of the deeper implications of his brainchild, this policy that he appears to have created, but one thing is clear from the events of Japan and throughout the Middle East, there will be many more changes to come. It is heartening to see green energy being debated on Question Time as a real alternative to nuclear power. This could also go a long way to resolving our dependence on oil, as the crisis in the Middle East intensifies, spiralling prices out of control. If the Americans think that their fuel prices are high, they should see what we have to pay, an average in this area at the moment of 136 pence per litre and rising.

Of course, I had rather a disaster like the Japanese one had not occured, and I feel desperately sorry for those who have lost their homes and their livelihoods, but maybe it was the only way to get our attention, to make us wake up and force through the changes that are so obviously needed, the redistributon of wealth and power back to the people on the ground, who form the majority of our population, wresting it away from the 5 percent who currently account for 95 percent of the world's wealth. They too can learn a lesson from this, that wealth does not bring power, and the higher you are, the further you have to fall. There are so many lessons that we can learn from this, if we choose to see them, and not buy into the negativity that has become a media frenzy. It is dificult to step back sometimes and see the higher perspective, but this year will go down in history as the one where everything began to change very much for the better, for here we have the makings of a society which truly is equal in every sense of the word.

The stormy seas of Surrey life

Two weeks into my almost new full time job, I am enjoying my first proper weekend off (apart from holidays) for almost 2 years. It was a novel experience for me to have a lie in at the weekend, and not to have to rush to get up and out ready for work.

I am pleased to report that the transition to full time has been relatively smooth. The 7am starts have not been nearly as bad as I thought they might be, aided no doubt by the time of year, as it begins to get light earlier in the morning. I have settled into it so well that I wonder how on earth I used to do the job without that extra hour. It makes a big difference and enables me to do the job much more thoroughly, finding time to do those extra tasks that I never had the time for before.

This week I have been working upstairs, which was a novelty for me, being used to working downstairs. I had to find a whole new routine, getting to know many of the residents who do not normally leave their rooms, and washing dirty laundry instead of dishes. Next week, starting on Monday I will be downstairs again with Thursday and Friday off, and then have seven days in a row to work until the following weekend when the rota starts all over again.

I find the days go so much quicker when the mind is occupied and relish my afternoons off being able to relax and read. Once the nights begin to shorten and spring turns to summer, I look forward to some afternoons at the viewpoint, relaxing on the grass and enjoying the sun without having to rush off back to work in the evenings.

Sadly not everything in my life is smooth sailing. Just as we thought we were finally going to get some peace, on Wednesday night, we had another call from my sister, three calls to be precise. I picked the phone up, not recognising the number and thinking it might one one of Corans clients, so was surprised to hear her voice, in the usual accusatory tones asking why we had stopped ringing her and why we had palmed her off on the care team. Attempts to explain were as usual fruitless, with my sister becoming more and more agitated and accusatory with every breath. In the end I was forced to tell her that I was unable to continue the conversation and I put down the phone. Five minutes later she rang again, and this time I let the answerphone pick it up. She left a message saying more of the same, why won't we talk to her, she needs us and we need her, blah, blah, blah. Well actually, no we don't need this at all.

One hour and one phone call later, with Coran home from his evening at the meditation group, the number was barred. The following day, calls were made to her new CPN, the local CAB and the Police, asking what the hell we can do to stop this once and for all. As fast as we block her numbers, she gets a new phone and calls all over again, leaving angry and abusive messages, failing to listen to one single word that we say. After the last meeting, two weeks ago, we really thought that this was it, but no, the message has still not sunk in, so this time, with the advice and support of her new CPN, we have written her a letter, setting out in no uncertain terms that we will not entertain this behaviour anymore and that she made the choice to walk away from us, knowing full well what the consequences would be.

She has to understand in the words of J Michael Strazynski, that the problem is not between her and us, but between her and herself. If the message still fails to get through and she continues to harass us, for this is what it is, we may have no alternative but to seek an injunction. This is not something that either of us would choose, but we have run out of other options, as everything else has failed.

Against the backdrop of this, I have then been very pleased to be at work, as it has meant that I am busy there and not sitting at home brooding and mulling things over. On a brighter note, the deposit has now been paid for my trip to the Isle of Man (I am going on July 2nd for 2 weeks), staying at a former boys boarding school in the south of the island). I have three months in which the find the balance, so all I have to do now is save the money and book the flight.

Facing our deepest fears

Three days after that fateful meeting with my sister, Coran and I are waiting anxiously to discover what if any, the fall out has been for her care team. As anticipated, it did not go smoothly at all, and we finished up going our separate ways. When she visited our house just after Christmas, she sat at our dining room table, after we had cooked her a lovely meal, and quite brazenly, without any shame at all, stated in her own words that she did not care who she hurts as long as she got what she wanted. I must admit that that knocked both of us for six, as up until then, I had not realised in quite such stark terms, exactly what we were dealing with.

On Friday then, when Coran asked her if she remembered having said that, she repeated it vociferously and in much more angry and defensive tones. She has a habit of leaving the room when we say anything that is too close to the truth, and in this way, not facing up to the consequences of her actions, therefore nothing ever gets reeolved. Ths time, when she got up to leave, we told her that if she walked away from us, then we would lwalk away from her - forever. She immediately sat back down. However, when challenged again, and after repeating our words to the effect that if she left, so would we, this time for good, she upped and left anyway.

In that moment she made a choice, a choice as to which of her fears was the greatest; the fear of dealing with her issues and what that might unleash, or the fear of losing us - the fear of dealing with her stuff was evidently much greater, for that is the choice that she made, and like all other choices in life, it was hers to make. It saddens me that it had to come to this, but as I previously stated, the situation as it was was completely untenable, and a change of some sort had to made.

We offered her a a carrot, a way out, but in the end, she chose the stick, a stick with which to beat herself up, for make no mistake, in making that choice, to walk out of our lives and not to confront her stuff, she will now be forced to do that very thing that she feared the most, for she will realise in no uncertain terms that this is the bed that she herself has made and she is the only one who can unmake it.

She may not face it in this life, and I may not see her again in this life either, but she will have to face it at some point, and I will see her again, if not in this life, then in another. I comfort myself with the knowledge that in a parallel life somewhere else, this has already happened, and she is a happy and functioning member of society. In making that choice though in this life, she can no longer blame us, or anyone else, whining down the telephone, expecting us to solve all her problems, and come running to the rescue every time she is lonely and afraid. No, she is now on her own.

We have said to her care team that we want no further contact from her in either written or verbal form, and that if she turns up at our home in a taxi, intruding on our peace, we will call The Police. This is the only language that she understands. I am sorry in some ways that it has come to this, and upsetting as it was when it all happened, my consciounce is completely clear - I did everything in my power to help her and she thwarted us at every turn with no intention of moving from where she is. That is the choice that she made, and so we, being unable and unwilling to support that situation any further than we already have, made the only appropriate choice that we could in response - to walk away so that she can find herself once more. In so doing, we have set her free, and also ourselves.

A month of change

Almost a month has passed since I last wrote on this blog, and so much has happened both in my own world and the one at large, that one hardly knows where to begin. The big thing happening at the moment is of course in the Middle East, with the unrest that started in Tunisia in the middle of January, and has toppled the Egyptian regime, gradually spreading throughout the region.

Reports in the British and indeed world media, have been a curious mixture of fear and incredulity, for we are indeed witnessing in these troubled times, the unfolding of a new era in history, as the old ways collapse in order to make way for the new. Freedom is after all the most basic of human rights, freedom of speech, freedom to choose your own Government and your own job, and freedom to be who you wish to be. There is still however a long way to go before the women in some of these countries achieve the same freedoms as men, and this I suspect will be the next battle to be fought.

For many all the major decisions that affect their lives are still made by men in the name of religion, and ultimately no matter how much the style of Government may change, until religion releases its stranglehold over the masses, it will not be true freedom at all, for everything that people do, think and say is ultimately shaped by their beliefs. Until those beliefs change, then nothing else will, not really.

I then sit back and observe from a detached perspective, and send light to the situation in the hope that this will take place - as indeed it will, for it is only a matter of time. The people are becoming increasingly tired of this way of life and are beginning to realise that true freedom comes from within. If you want to create change, then you yourself have to be that change, and it begins as always with your beliefs. Change your beliefs, and everything else will fall into place. By the time this is over, I predict that Saudi Arabia will be the only fundamentalist religious country left.

On the personal front, it has been confirmed that the Olympic Road Cycling Race will be going through our village, and indeed, half the county. What makes our village of Box Hill different is the fact that the athletes will not just be passing through, but completing multiple circuits around the area - nine times for the men and twice for the women. They are obviously a lot fitter than I am! A meeting with representatives from LOCOG, Surrey County Council and other officials has been arranged for this Wednesday at this Village Hall, and I get the feeling that it will be pretty packed! The District Councillor has reserved 12 seats in the front row for the press, of which I am of course a member, as Editor of the Village newsletter. I will then be taking a rather large notebook with several pens and a camera and hope that my hand can keep up!

On a more personal front, I returned on Monday from a week long sojourn on the island of Lundy in the Bristol Channel. This was my first visit in more than 18 months, and the longest in fact that I have been away from the island since I first visited in June 1995. It was strange in some ways to go back, and it did feel different. If I am honest, I was a little unsure right up until the actual morning that I went, but once I got in the car and began the drive to Hartland, and the lighthouse began to come into view, all the doubts were erased. By the time I got to the heliport and saw the island standing out there on the horizon, I knew that I was doing the right thing.

I have changed a lot in those 18 months since I last went, and even more so since I volunteered and applied for that job on the island, almost 2 years ago to the day. I am glad in retrospect that I did not go to live there, for I can see now that I wanted it for all the wrong reasons - I thought that being on the island would solve all my problems, when in reality all it really did was create another set. The irony is that it led to the best, most rewarding job I have ever had, where I am about to start full time. I still then have a lot to thank the island for.

While I was there I experimented with the video camera function on my Ipod, and I am hoping that some of the footage that I shot may be good enough, with some editing, to put on YouTube. Coran and I plan to go through them in the next week or so, and see if we can amalgamate the best bits together.

This afternoon though, we have a meeting with my sister that neither of us are looking forward to at all. I get the feeling that this might well be make or break. It is time for us to stop pussy footing around and sit down together and be really honest about what happened last summer, as is has become clear to both of us that she is still not taking responsibility and either does not or cannot understand the impact that her actions had, and why we took the action that we did. Our relationship with her, as with other people, has to be based on mutual understanding and respect, and that means give and take, with each having the opportunity to express their own point of view, without fear of guilt and recriminations. This so far, she has not given us the opportunity to do. Today then is her last chance to give us that opportunity and to listen to us. If she cannot or will not do this, then it has to be the end, for it causes too much pain and disruption and is no longer in either of our interests to continue in this way.

I have let go of as much of the guilt as I can, although I suspect that there is always more. Coran is though a great supporter and is behind me all the way on this, as he always has been. Ultimately he is the one that I share my life with, and he has to be my focus and priority. This is not about being selfish, but about doing what it best for all three of us. I only hope that my sister can understand this, but we will see.

I got the job!

I am pleased to say that the wait for news is now well and truly over, as last Thursday just before I went to lunch, my Manager confirmed that I have indeed got the job. The feeling when she told me was a mixture of elation and pride - elation in that the at times unbearable situation that I have been struggling with for so long is finally over, and pride at the way in which I asked the universe for help and saw it respond, in what seems like when I stop to think about it, a remarkably short time.

I think she had known all along that the job would be mine, but wanted to give me time to mull over certain points, as like she said, it will be different to being there part time and in terms of lifestyle, will be a complete about turn - although not as complete as some may think. The main difference is that my hours will shift from the end of the day to the beginning. When you consider the amount of overtime I have done over the past year, and factor in my second job at the school, I have actually worked full time for quite lengthy periods of time throughout the year already - for almost three months at the beginning of last year, and at least six weeks throughout the summer during the main exam period. The main thing is that I will now have the stability that I need, with a reliable income and benefits to match.

She has asked me not to notify my colleagues for the moment while I wait for the official letter to arrive, and I must admit that I quite like having this secret knowledge! Because it is close to the end of our holiday year, and I still have leave to take, we have decided that I will start in an official basis at the end of February after my holiday is complete, as it just simpler all round. I may have to continue working one evening a week until 7pm to keep things ticking over in the kitchen during the evenings, until they can find a replacement, but I know this will not be permanent, and it is really par for the course.

Yesterday then I worked what will be probably turn out to be my last day at the school, invigilating 2 exams, both of which were re-takes - Sociology in the morning and General Studies in the afternoon. All went without a hitch (there was only one pupil involved in each), and it was sad in a way to say goodbye. I have come to enjoy working there and I cannot deny that in many ways it has suited me well, having that mix of working with both young and old. Both jobs in their own way do make a difference. I will also miss the other invigilators, some of whom I have come to regard as friends.

I said to the exam secretary that it may be possible for me to continue working there on an ad hoc basis maybe one day a week, and she has said she will send me details of the March exams and the next invigilaors meeting, but in reality I think I will find that I need my days off. The extra money though I must admit would be useful, especially since the Council in their wisdom overpaid some of us last summer, in my case to the tune of almost 40 hours, processing one of my claim sheets twice. Because they are so inept, they have only just got round to asking for it back - I have been told that a letter is on its way. This is a pain in some ways, and the timing is not brilliant, coming as it does just as I get a full time job, as it means that my first months wages will go on paying them back, but at least they waited until I do have the money.

I am hoping it may be possible to pay them back over a period of months, but we will have to see once the letter arrives. For the moment though my thoughts are turning once again to holidays - I am off to Lundy in three weeks time and have started to make a few preparations with regard to the purchase of wheat free food, that I as always will need to take with me. I have booked a hotel for both ends of the trip - the Travelodge in Taunton on the way out and Tiverton on the way back - it will be nice to relax into a comfy bed and a hot bath after a long day on the road. The helicopter too has been booked, so I am more or less all set.

I am also conscious of the need to make plans for the summer, as my work colleagues make plans for their own trips and the time off begins to gets booked up. To this end I have ordered a copy of a guide book to the Isle of Man, which I will devour upon its arrival, to help me ascertain how long I need to stay - 10 nights or 14. This depends on whether I decide to overnight on the Calf of Man, which I must admit would be nice (indeed, this is what got me interested in the island in the first place, from when I used to go to Fair Isle in Scotland). I have ascertained that I can fly from Gatwick for around £80 return, and that the airport is not far from Castletown where I hope to stay, so all I need to do now is read the book for ideas, look at some public transport timetables and choose a date, outside the motor racing season, which this year is from the end of May to around the middle of June.