Last night I felt so fed up when I got to work that I wasn't sure who I was more mad with - myself or the girl who told me about my other colleagues job offer, for it turns out that in doing so she has built my hopes up over something that may not even happen. I have since learned that the job in question is not a proper job at all, but an offer of bank staff, which can and often does mean anything. In theory it can mean no guarantee of work at all, but in practise it may turn out to be full time hours as many of our own bank staff work more or less full time. I cannot in all honesty say what I would do in such a situation, probably take the job and do it for extra money to test the water and see if I liked it first, and from what I understand this is what she plans to do.
So, in one fell swoop all my dreams have once again come crashing down. I don't why I continually do this - listening to gossip and rumours, for that is what it is (the girl who told me based her information on a conversation that she had overheard and had no business in telling me or anyone else for that matter) and base all my hopes and dreams around something that is not even tangible. I seem to do this time and time again and never seem to learn that you cannot believe what you hear unless it comes straight from the horses mouth.
Of course there is no one at work that I can share this with, for I never see the girl concerned (the one who has been offered the job). I can imagine how displeased she must be to know that her colleague whom she thought that she could trust would blab her personal and private information to others.
I don't know why she felt the need to do this anyway - in a strange sort of way maybe it was some kind of bonding, for we haven't always got on that well. In contrast I get on with the other housekeepers very well, and can speak to them about virtually everything. If I had the oppotrtunity I would speak the girl to whom the job was offered right now, as I really do need to speak to someone, but since the housekeepers hours were changed, I no longer get to see her, for she does not work weekends. In the meantime, the Head Housekeeper is on holiday, so I will not get to see her either for at least another ten days, or whenever her next weekend in is.
I really am though thoroughly fed up. It feels like I am trapped in this situation - all I do is sit around at home waiting to go to work with nothing to fill my days except an endless round of farming and daytime television with the occasional cup of tea. At least I had some respite when I used to go to the gym, but we had to cancel our membership two months ago as we could no longer afford to keep it going. I do not want to be sitting around the house for weeks on end with hardly any work and then rushed off my feet the next, constantly at their beck and call every time they need extra hours covered.
It seems to me very unequal but I am not sure what I can do, I did after all make the decision to stay and why was that? It was because of the people and because deep down inside I do love this job and want to stay because it makes such a difference - to me as a person and to those whom I serve, and I see this as a service in more ways than one, for the residents too are serving me in terms of what I get back from them. It is not that I am unhappy with the rate of pay that I do get when I am there, more that there are just enough hours being offered. That is why this seemed like such a good opportunity that was heaven sent - I have been putting out to the universe for months that I wanted a solution to be found that would enable me to stay and be better compensated for the work that I do, and really thought that this was it. It is only natural then to be disappointed when I find that this is not the case.
Oh I know there are others that are far worse off than I am and all of that, and I also know that I have a lot to be grateful for, and I do somehow manage to always keep ticking over, but I want a bit more than that. I do not want to have just enough to live on, I want to have a bit left over that I can save and have money in reserve for those unseen things - items that need to be replaced, luxuries and treats and to save for my own future. I am choosing then the wrong word, for I do not want to do this, I need to do this. The universe obviously has other ideas, but I do not have the slightest idea why or what they might be.
My horoscope for October by Sarah Jane Grace indicates that there may be more to this than meets the eye, but it is difficult right now to see it in this positive light. She says that I would be wise to expect the unexpected, and that is certainly what has happened with this situation, for I didn't see any of this coming. Rather than feeling let down and left in the lurch, as I undoubtedly do, I need to see it as yet another opportunity to stand on my own feet, and prove to myself and others than I am in control and that I have the resources to overcome this, and I know that I do, for as always it is all in the mind. I am always in control of everything I think, do and say even if I like to think otherwise (and most of the time I do).
There are several ways to look at this - maybe she should not have done what she did and told me about this job offer, but it has happened and I need to deal with it. Feeling disillusioned and sorry for myself really solves nothing, for I am the only one who suffers and truly feels the pain. The pain though will pass as it always does and something beautiful may still come from all of this. Maybe she will decide to cut her hours at work and do both jobs part time, maybe she will end up with so much work from the other place that in a few months time she does resign, or maybe nothing will change at all, and I am the one who needs to change. I very much suspect the latter, for what I need to change most of all is my mind, to move out of fear mode and back into the present moment. It will all come out in the wash, and it while it may not be the outcome I would want, it will always be the one that I need.