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Monday, 25 August 2008

In Gods hands

The latest energy update from Karen Bishop arrived the other day, and according to her, the aches and pains that my partner and I have been experiencing (mostly around the neck and shoulders) are yet more purging of energies that are no longer needed. I sometimes wonder how much more clearing can there be? It seems that I have been doing this forever with no end in sight. Karen though says that we are very nearly through and by October, everything should be back on a much more even keel.

I do not doubt her words, since when my own Manager looked at the website on Saturday for the coffee house that are negotiating for the lease on our shop, to his surprise, he saw a Managers job being advertised. This must mean that they are very close to signing the lease, and it as good as in the bag. An announcement is no doubt imminent, and I am sure we will both breathe a huge sign of relief.

Now that our Assistant Manager has gone, and with no stores willing to help alleviate our staffing problems, it looks very much as if I will become the new second key holder. My own boss keeps saying I am ready, and he has been teaching me the cashing up, but I still have my doubts. It is totally impractical in a lot of ways, most of all because I cannot even reach the lock - it is just too high up, and at 5 feet and half an inch tall (the half inch is very important!) I have to stand on a kick stool to reach, feeling like a complete idiot. Mind you, it is not as if I will be locking up on my own, as someone else will always be there - I will just have to hope that whoever it is they are taller than I am!

I must admit that I was knocked for six when he asked me to consider the job. It is in some ways the obvious solution, since I am already here and a known quantity, who has proven that she can be trusted. It is after all, a lot easier to get a sales person than it is a key holder, as we have already found. The problem is, that my boss has a weeks holiday starting 8th September, and there is no way I feel ready to run the shop for a whole week - bear in mind that this mean working a 6 day week, probably without lunch breaks, since there will be at the most three of us in. A lot can happen between now and then - and I hope and pray that a solution is found so I do not have to do this. It is far from ideal, since it is also the week that I go to see Stevie Wonder - I had hoped to be able to leave early that day, but I think that will be out the window.

With the Area Manager on holiday, once again everything is on hold waiting for him to get back. It looks very much as if he will have to tell someone from another store that they have to transfer to us - like it or lump it. A lot of them are over staffed and over budget and have paid lip service to our requests for help, so now it is time to get tough.

All this has made me once again look at my own issues, as to why I feel so inadequate and ill equipped to take this key holders job, when in actual fact, I am more than capable. I suppose it is natural to feel reticent when faced with a situation like this, but it much more than just lack of confidence, it is terror that strikes right at the heart. I really do not want to do this, and yet when I look beneath there is the still silent core that knows that I need to work through and experience this. It is almost as if I was given this job in order work through these issues - issues of lack of confidence, embracing and balancing my masculine and feminine, not wanting to be seen and heard and noticed, fear of not being seen and heard and noticed, anger and feelings of injustice at the way that my career (or lack of it) has gone, and the opportunities that have passed me by, all these things and more. When I have worked through and confronted these issues head on, only then will I be ready to leave.

I have resolved not to worry about getting another job, but place it all neatly in Gods hands. I will continue to look, but not to focus on the outcome. If I get another job then I will know that I have worked through these things and I am ready to go, but if not, then I will know there is more work to be done. The fact that this coffee house appear to be so close to signing the lease tells me that the work is nearly done. Maybe I will stay with this company, maybe not, whatever does happen, I know that I will be in the right place at the right time doing the right thing, and it is exactly where I am meant to be.

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