Sewing the seeds

What with the New Moon in Scorpio on 23rd, the sun entering that same sign on 24th and the Solar Eclipse at around the same time, there have been some pretty dense energies floating around, which of course have brought with them the opportunity to clear an awful lot of stuff.

At this time of year, as the clocks go back and the darkness starts to descend, we start to turn inwards to hibernate in a sense while we wait for the light to return at the end of the year. This then is the perfect opportunity and the perfect time for introspection, to think deeply about what it is we wish to create in the New Year and the Spring that is to come. Winter is the time in nature when everything goes to sleep, hiding deep beneath the ground to be born again, and so it too for us..

To begin then at the beginning of the past week, I think I knew it was going to be an interesting day and an even more interesting week, when I got to work on Monday morning to be confronted by the sight of one of the male clients sitting on the toilet with his pants around his ankles. I rapidly closed the door to give him (and everyone else) some privacy, and turned around and walked rapidly back the other way. There I found two female residents discussing which one of them had produced the smelliest fart. I think it was at that point that I pretty much realised I had reached the bottom .....

Monday though was such a beautiful day weather wise that it was hard to remain in a gloomy and miserable place. I handed my letter to my own boss and read the contents out loud to him before handing a separate copy to the HR Manager who has been dealing with this mess. The HR Manager was busy and did not have time to stop and talk, but I had a good talk with my own boss, and was thoroughly reassured by what he had to say, namely that he agreed with what I had written and that he would support me all the way, even if meant picking me up off the floor ! Hopefully that won't happen. Monday then, all things considered was not a bad day.

Tuesday weather wise at least, was more of the same. The Manager who is the cause of these troubles was back at work which pressed my buttons slightly, but no more than usual. Towards the end of the morning my boss handed me a letter from HR in response to mine, which blew things wide open again. Basically it seems that during my absence the week before, he had spoken to the 2 ladies concerned and explained to them that I would he happy with an apology from them. He had given them a few days to mull things over, but they had come back to him and said no, that as far as they were concerned there was nothing to apologise for. And there I was thinking that the one who had the accident had changed. He wanted though to know what I wanted to do next, whether I wanted to still hold the meeting that I had proposed, and continue trying to meditate on an informal basis, or whether I now wished to make a formal complaint. My initial thoughts were that I wanted to kick the shit out of them, but after a chat with Coran and my own boss, I decided that this is really not the way to go, and that my initial analysis was correct. When you have a conflict of any kind, the only way to really resolve things is to sit down and talk. He explained though that although he could see where I am coming from it does sound inflammatory to ask someone about the cause of their pain and why they feel the need to hurt me, and so this may need to be slightly amended. Perhaps I could use the word challenge instead, for that is what it is; for some reason this woman, these women feel challenged by something I am doing, or being. That though was that.

On Wednesday the weather changed, and so did my mood. I felt as low as low can be - as if I could burst into tears at any moment. Throughout the day, I tried to do my Mindfulness, but was just not in the mood - one has to be in the right frame of mind, so in the end I gave up, there is no sense after all in beating yourself up. Once I had made that choice, the anxiety lifted a little, and I was able to function a little better, but the main problem was just tiredness. When I am in that space, where there is nothing but tiredness, the sadness gets amplified, and I feel everything much more deeply. My boss was a little concerned when he saw me sitting in the car with my hands over my eyes giving myself some Reiki, but I explained to him that I was trying to rest. He said that if things got that bad I must let him know and he would go and beat people up - he was jesting of course, but I know he is good man and that I have his support, and knowing that makes all the difference in the world.

In the midst of this angst, I had a revelation, namely that my father had also struggled with issues very similar to my own for much of his working life, with very similar consequences to my own, namely at times, depression and anxiety. From this came the realisation that because of this, I grew up with the expectation that my own working life would be the same, and so that is what I created. This though it not my stuff, but my Dad's and the time has come to hand it back, so that is exactly what I did, knowing that at this time of year when the veils are thinnest, it is the perfect time to do this.

On Wednesday night Coran and I began our Mindfulness course and despite the tiredness, it was interesting indeed. Ten of us took part, a mixed bunch all with their own reasons for being there. The teacher whom we had already met and spoken to at length, discussed what Mindfulness is and how it can hopefully help in how we react to stress. We did a few exercises to get the ball rolling - the full body scan and the raisin exercise where you look at a raisin with all of your senses as if you are seeing that raisin for the very first time, exploring it through touch, taste, sight, smell and even hearing. I suggested afterwards that we do the same exercise the following week with chocolate !

On Thursday morning Coran's anxiety levels were high again and she was in the same state that I had been the day before, this time giving in to the tears. I took the morning off then to be with her and we went for a walk in the sunshine and fresh air to try and clear our heads. Following her Doctors appointment towards the end of the morning, I returned to work and tried to carry on the best that I could.

That brings us to Friday, yesterday and the end of the week, where I was once again my usual buoyant self. One of the things to have come out of this debacle is the idea that the other housekeeper with whom I work and I will rotate duties from now one, whereby I work in the care home for one month while he works across the rest of the site, and vice versa. Until now I had always worked in the home, while he for the most part covered the rest of the site. This will create some space between the Care Home Manager and myself while also enabling me to learn about the rest of the site and what needs to be done. The two of us then had a meeting with our own Manager to iron out the details of this swap, so we both know exactly what the other does.

I admit that to begin with I was unsure as to how this would work, and whether it was the right thing to do, as it seemed to be borne from the need to create distance between myself and the Care Home Manager, although it is true that we had always planned to do this. Various things, including major refurbishments of the Care Home have conspired to place the idea on the back burner, but the problems with the aforementioned Manager have pushed it back to the forefront. Now that I have got used to the idea, I can see this as a good thing as although I will miss the routine and the interaction with the clients in their place of residence, I will still see them around the rest of the site. It seems to me that this is an opportunity to not only learn new skills, but also to practise my work Mindfully, as I will have all the time in which to do this. This will also show the powers that be just how good I am at my job when they see and realise the standard of my work and how much cleaner everything is when I do it, showing this female Manager up for what she is - for she has stated in contrast to everyone else, that I am not very good at my job and the standard of my work is lacking.

When the clients start to ask where I am, as I am sure they will do (as will the rest of her staff and for that matter, even the builders) she will start to realise perhaps, the error of her ways and that she was been hasty in her judgment of me. This will, with any luck start to sew seeds of change within her as during my absence she is forced to look at these feelings and these thoughts and begin the process of self examination. Yes, a little distance can only be a good thing.