Reactivity and Grievances

Last night just as I went to bed, I was inspired to pick up my copy of "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I opened the book, as one does, at page 64 and my eyes were immediately drawn to a passage entitled "Reactivity and Grievances", which made me laugh when I consider the three grievances I lodged against my former employer, which only last week were finally resolved.

Tolle says that a grievance is really nothing more than a long standing resentment. To carry a grievance is to be in a permanent state of "against", which is why grievances form such a significant part of many people's (and I include myself in this) ego.

A grievance is a strong negative emotion connected to events past, sometimes a long way past, which is being kept alive by compulsive thinking, by the mind constantly re-telling the story of for example, what happened to us, or what such and such did (in my case, ex employers). It has the power to contaminate large sometimes unrelated areas of our lives (and you cannot get much larger than the world of work, which most of us spent a third of our lives enmeshed in), for the negative charge that it carries can and often does influence the way in which we speak and react towards people or situations in the present.

When I stop to think about this and how my own problems with various jobs have affected my life, this is very true. The latest incident was the last in a long line of problems with various different jobs. I have observed that when I go into a new job, or have an interview, it is almost as if I am anticipating problems, and so so that is what I end up creating. This series of events has as Tolle says, kept me in the grip of ego for when I think about it, the past 25 years.

It requires honesty and a lot of soul searching to come to that realisation, but when I look beyond the thoughts to the emotions that keep this alive, and are the body's natural response, I recognise that there is a lot of work to be done, and a lot of people that I need to forgive, not least of all myself. Forgiveness happens naturally when we realise that holding a grievance has no purpose other than to keep us trapped in ego, the false sense of self, thus perpetuating our own suffering.

The past has no power to stop me from being in the present moment, only my grievances and my pain can do that, and what is a grievance? A bundle of old thoughts and emotions about something that no longer exists.

Moments of Revelation

"All around us, it was as if the universe were holding its breath, waiting. All of life can be broken down into moments of transition or moments .. of revelation. This had the feeling of both." "G'Quan wrote: 'There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future, or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born in pain.'" - G'Kar in Babylon 5: "Z'ha'dum"

Michael J Strazynski, creator of Babylon 5, my favourite science fiction television series says that he often has his moments of revelation in the shower. Indeed, that is where he was inspired with the story behind this remarkable programme. It is the same for me - it is in the shower where I receive much of my revelations. Yesterday was no exception to this.

There I was, 2 weeks to the day since my return from Lundy (is that all it is!), busily washing my hair and thinking about the pain that I was in (there is still no news from the island regarding my application), when it hit me like a bolt from the blue; the reason they have not reached a decision is that neither have I. Until I get things clear in my own head (or perhaps more to the point, get out of my head, and I am not talking alcohol here), nothing will change.

So, after I was dressed and had dried my hair, I rang my neighbours and very good friends, and arranged to go round for a cup of tea and a chat. After some preliminaries, we began to discuss how I really felt. My friends husband asked me what I would do if I was offered the job, whether or not I would take it, and I heard myself say "probably". It was in that moment that I knew the answer - for probably does not mean definately, it means that there are doubts, and if I am honest, quite a lot of them. The way in which the islanders discussed other applicants in front of me (which my friend said she would not have been happy about either), the lack of communication and most of all, the fact that by end the end of the 2 weeks, because of the intensity of it all, for the first time, I felt like I actually wanted to leave. That to me says more than that word "probably". It tells me that if I felt like that after 2 weeks, how would I feel after 6 or 7 months? I would be on the floor, or more likely, in the psychiatric ward (in the manner of speaking), back to where I was three or four months ago, when I left my last job.

Now that I have made that decision, and left the island free to make theirs, it feels like a ten tonne weight has been lifted. My partner was a little disappointed initially at not having the six month breathing space that he was quite looking forward to, but in the end I think it was a relief for both of us. So, I have reinstated my gym membership (thankfully just before the end of the month), and started applying for other jobs. I applied for 2 in the local paper yesterday and five on one of the employment sites that I am registered on. At least one of these will hopefully lead to something, and if not, I will just keep plugging away until they do.

All's well that ends well.

The postman finally delivered the outcome for my appeal today against the decision regarding the three grievances I raised against my former employer. They were very minor points in the scheme of things, but it was a matter of principal, about sending a signal to them that their behaviour towards me was not acceptable, and they were accountable for the effects of all of their actions towards me.

The three points that I raised were as follows:

1. That they had miscalculated the amount of overtime that I am owed due to missed lunch breaks at my first store - that it is 8.5 hours instead of the 7 hours they agreed. This has been upheld.

2. That I am owed money from my second store in regard to staying late to assist with deliveries and to attend meetings regarding Christmas trading and so on. This point has not been upheld, since they insist (without talking to me I might add, to get my side of it), that I was informed that this was voluntary and unpaid.

3. That after they agreed that my contract had been changed without consent, and I had in fact been working more hours than the new contract allowed for, and because bonuses were paid pro rata to contracted hours, these should be adjusted accordingly. This point has also been upheld.

So, there is just this one small very minor point (point number two), which remains. I am talking about maybe 5 hours pay. In the scheme of life it is not that important, and certainly not worth bothering with an industrial tribunal for. It is time to let it all go.

When I think about all the Sundays I worked, where I was paid 8 hours for a 6 hour day, it probably has balanced itself out. When you look at it like this, I am probably not owed anything at all. Like I say then, time to let it go and move on with my life.

Still it is good to know that common sense and justice has prevailed, and I did get them to concede on the other more important points. Namely, that they could not change peoples contracts without informing them, that they had to set much clearer policies and guidelines as to how staff are paid (for example, whether they are paid for the 15 minutes before and after closing), and that when they agree to give someone a pay rise they have to honour that.

I suspect that I am not the only one affected by these points, but cannot worry about others. If they choose (or not) to pursue this for themselves and claim the money that they too are owed, then that is up to them and nothing to do with me. Nothing about that company is of any concern to me at all, not any more. It is time to let it go. Suffice to say, I will not be shopping there again.

Earth Hour - It's as simple as the flick of a swtich

I was listening to local radio the other day when an announcement came on to the effect that today, Saturday 28th March, people were being asked to switch off their lights for an hour as part of Earth Hour. Intrigued, I wondered what this was about. Then today when I looked at my emails there was one from a friend posting the link to a website where all was revealed.

The project, organised by the WWF, is entitled Earth Hour, and just as the presenter said, on Saturday 28 March 2009 at 8.30pm, people, businesses and iconic buildings all around the world will switch off their lights for an hour – known as WWF’s Earth Hour.

The WWF are hoping that a billion people around the world will sign up and join in, to show that they care about not just people, but also wildlife and the entire planet. It seems to me that this is an excellent way to get our world leaders to sit up and take notice, taking positive action to tackle not just climate change (which I know is a bone of contention for many, as some believe that it is all due to natural changes and not man made at all), but also man's wastage of natural resources. Those who are interested to know more are urged to watch a short film on the Earth Hour website.

It will certainly be interesting to see this on the news tonight, as more than 2,800 cities from 83 countries across the world have signed up. A large number of iconic landmarks will be plunged into darkness, including Nelson’s Column, the Forth Bridge, the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, the Eiffel Tower, Niagara Falls, Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro, Table Mountain in Cape Town.

I realise that it may be a little late to organise elaborate events, but there is a lot that you can do in the dark (apart from the obvious, if you are over sixteen!). You could arrange a candlelit dinner party, or if you are a musician, an acoustic concert. You could sit and meditate for world peace, or you could take the dog for a walk. The possibilities are limited only by your imagination.

There are Earth Hour communities on the main social networking sites on the web: Flickr, YouTube, Facebook,Twitter, where you can share your ideas and get involved.

Letting go of the old

The latest Wings post from Karen Bishop is impeccable in its timing as always, and seemingly spot on regarding what has been occurring in my life.

I have had the feeling of disconnect for a while, in fact when I look back it began around the middle of summer last year. I remember going to Lundy, where I holiday around two to three times a year, and wondering what in the world I was doing there, as it just did not feel right. Here I am nine months later, applying for a job on the island. In nine short months a lot can change ...

Karen says that the most important agenda for our souls right now is becoming as free and clear as possible as we prepare for residency in a very new place (she is speaking more I suspect of an energetic space than a physical one, although for some it may well mean both). We have been clearing ourselves of lower vibrating debris for a while, which was holding us back yet for many (and I definitely include myself in this) there is still a sense of not knowing where are going, or what we should do next.

Never a truer word has been spoken, as Karen goes on to say that by mid summer of 2008 we began to get signs or symptoms that we were done. This manifested as not knowing what we were now supposed to do, feeling worthless and out of place, feeling invisible and not valued or needed, and generally just lost (this was around the time that I first told the shop that I was working in was scheduled to close). By October (around the time that we were finally given our closing date), the dis-connect was very evident and complete for many, and by January of 2009 (when I left the company for good in very stressful and difficult circumstances), it was fairly clear that something very new was on the horizon for 2009.

January then was about preparing for the new, creating a new space for ourselves and creating new and much stronger foundations. For me this included reinforcing my boundaries about what I was and was not prepared to accept, and being strong enough and brave enough to let people know what these were and that they had been severely infringed - hence the need to depart from that job. Karen goes on to say that for some it was almost as if they were packing up for a special trip (Lundy perhaps - my partner and did go there at the end of January, which led to my decision to apply for that job).

I have been acutely aware for a long time now that the more time I spend in those old and stagnant energies of want rather than need, the more angry and more disconnected I become. It is no longer where I need to be, and feels acutely uncomfortable. Herein lies the problem; I am too old to want to start over yet again, yet too young to retire - I have to be out there in the world earning a living, which means going back into that same old scenario that made me ill.

Thankfully the Spring Equinox and today's New Moon have opened yet more doors - doors to infinite possibilities. Like the lyrics from the song Reflections that I posted a day or so ago, we can no longer go on pretending to be something that we are not, for as I now know from bitter experience, it drives us insane. It may seem selfish to some, but we have to start putting our own needs first, and this means not being afraid to ask for what we need.

The more that we progress with this process, the lighter we become, so when we do go back into the old we become angry and fearful (I have had a lot of both these past few weeks), and my pain body has been positively licking its lips. The more we let go and let God, the more at peace we become, until we reach our perfect centre - the eye of the storm.

Right now things are very quiet - my partner has observed that his emails and phone calls have completely dried up, and the same can be said for me. This is a temporary place of resting that we need to go through, before we are ready for the new. If we try and push ahead too much then we may end up creating things that later have to undone. It is quiet now for the simple reason that we have to wait.

This is our time to relax and let go. A time for creativity and quiet reflection about what we truly and deeply need. The more we concentrate on this, the more we are able to manifest and bring these things into our conscious awakening.

A Temping Offer

I told myself that if there was no news regarding the seasonal job by today then I would telephone the Shore Office to ascertain whether there was any news. Having just telephoned them, they inform me that a decision has not as yet been made, and the start date for the job has been put back from 28th March (this Saturday) to Tuesday 7th April. I suppose no news is good news, and at least I have something to tell the people at the Lent Lunch I am going to in half an hours time hosted by the Chairman of the village newsletter.

In the meantime, when I checked my emails after my return from the weekly shop, there was one from a well known employment agency, whose site I have signed up to for job alerts and other related snippets. The email is entitled "Be prepared for temping" and gives hints and tips on how to go about temping in the right way.

Personally I have never found temping all that lucrative, maybe because I have only 20 years experience, am not trilingual and can only type at 45 words per minute, rather than the 60 which seems to be demanded these days. Neither can I use the various software packages which seem to be increasingly used. It never ceases to amaze me when I do go to these agencies, or have an interview for any job that requires keyboard skills that they ask me whether I can type. My book was not written by long hand! I find it frustrating to say the least how little time people seem to spend actually reading the CV's and applications that they are sent.

This email provides a list of various tips on how to speed up the process of registration at employment agencies, and information on what you should bring with you. The most important thing is of course your CV, as well as references and proof that you are entitled to work in the UK. If you are signing up for temporary work, then it may also be a good idea to bring along your bank details, in the vague hope that they may be able to offer you something there and then. The more usual response in my experience is something along the lines of "We have nothing suitable for you at the moment". You then go home and find about six jobs that sound suitable on the company's website or advertised in the local paper.

It is important of course to give agencies the best possible impression that you can, so you need to be prepared to talk about your work history, goals and aspirations. Consultants need to build a "profile" of you in order to know which type of jobs you are best suited for and which companies you may "fit into". You should ensure that you look smart and presentable, and if attending a pre-arranged appointment, arrive on time. It is best to allow around an hour and a half for registration.

This bears virtually zero resemblance to any of the appointments I have made with agencies over the years. Most of the time you are lucky to get more than 10 to 15 minutes of their time, never mind an hour and a half. I wish that one of them would take the time to sit down and talk through with me all these things, as then I might stand a chance of obtaining a job that I like and can stick at, without nasty surprises. I think in all the years that have passed since I left school, I have had just one experience that even vaguely resembles this scenario with an employment agency. Maybe I am unlucky, but talking to friends and acquaintances, I don't think that I am, as they have nearly all relayed similar tales.

Maybe if I was a "career" person then I may be treated differently, but this lack of respect for my time and my life means that I am not given the chance to get that career that could lead to a much more fulfilling life. Perhaps I will get some anti wrinkle cream and pretend to be under 25, as that way I may be entitled to some free career counselling!

Brain Damage

The lunatic is on the grass
The lunatic is on the grass
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs
Got to keep the loonies on the path.

The lunatic is in the hall
The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more.

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.

You lock the door and throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear.

And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

"I can't think of anything to say except... I think it's marvelous! ha ha ha!"

Written by Roger Waters

From Pink Floyd "Dark Side of the Moon"