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Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Moments of Revelation

"All around us, it was as if the universe were holding its breath, waiting. All of life can be broken down into moments of transition or moments .. of revelation. This had the feeling of both." "G'Quan wrote: 'There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future, or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born in pain.'" - G'Kar in Babylon 5: "Z'ha'dum"

Michael J Strazynski, creator of Babylon 5, my favourite science fiction television series says that he often has his moments of revelation in the shower. Indeed, that is where he was inspired with the story behind this remarkable programme. It is the same for me - it is in the shower where I receive much of my revelations. Yesterday was no exception to this.

There I was, 2 weeks to the day since my return from Lundy (is that all it is!), busily washing my hair and thinking about the pain that I was in (there is still no news from the island regarding my application), when it hit me like a bolt from the blue; the reason they have not reached a decision is that neither have I. Until I get things clear in my own head (or perhaps more to the point, get out of my head, and I am not talking alcohol here), nothing will change.

So, after I was dressed and had dried my hair, I rang my neighbours and very good friends, and arranged to go round for a cup of tea and a chat. After some preliminaries, we began to discuss how I really felt. My friends husband asked me what I would do if I was offered the job, whether or not I would take it, and I heard myself say "probably". It was in that moment that I knew the answer - for probably does not mean definately, it means that there are doubts, and if I am honest, quite a lot of them. The way in which the islanders discussed other applicants in front of me (which my friend said she would not have been happy about either), the lack of communication and most of all, the fact that by end the end of the 2 weeks, because of the intensity of it all, for the first time, I felt like I actually wanted to leave. That to me says more than that word "probably". It tells me that if I felt like that after 2 weeks, how would I feel after 6 or 7 months? I would be on the floor, or more likely, in the psychiatric ward (in the manner of speaking), back to where I was three or four months ago, when I left my last job.

Now that I have made that decision, and left the island free to make theirs, it feels like a ten tonne weight has been lifted. My partner was a little disappointed initially at not having the six month breathing space that he was quite looking forward to, but in the end I think it was a relief for both of us. So, I have reinstated my gym membership (thankfully just before the end of the month), and started applying for other jobs. I applied for 2 in the local paper yesterday and five on one of the employment sites that I am registered on. At least one of these will hopefully lead to something, and if not, I will just keep plugging away until they do.

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