The longing to return home

Having had five days off work, using up holidays before the end of the year, I really did not want to go back to work today. My mind had gone so peaceful and so still and so quiet, I did not want to leave that space and go back to constant background noise and distractions.

I have been thinking about why it is that I seem to have so many problems with jobs. It is as if, for as long as I can remember, each job that I have had rapidly wears thin and I just lose all interest. It is a novelty to begin with, but the rot soon sets in and I start to get resentful about the little things, until they escalate into something big. I resist moving from where I am by kidding myself that I am comfortable until eventually things get so bad that I am forced to leave in order to protect both my health and my sanity. If I still resist, the universe finds another way to oust me from that rut, either by getting me the sack, closing the store or branch that I work in, or making me redundant.

It occurred to me tonight that perhaps it is not the jobs themselves that are the problem, but rather, what they represent. Work to me is a symbol of being tied to the physical, material world, of being shackled and bound by others rules, unable to do your thing and be truly independent.

After my mother died at the end of 1999, I gave up work for a while in order to concentrate on myself. Three years later I found that I had qualified as a crystal therapist and to my surprise, started to write a book. I then developed a bad case of procrastination and fear, masquerading as writers block, and so returned to work part time. I worked initially as a temp for a company that serviced air conditioning units, and then later on for a major supermarket. After about a year of working there part time, my partner became ill and I changed my hours to full time. It was then that the problems began, and I eventually left that job in August 2005.

I then worked flat out to finish my book, doing a complete edit and rewrite in just under 5 months. The first edition was duly published in June 2006, just before I went off to Lundy for three weeks. In between promoting it and doing other forms of writing, I did occasional exam invigilating work and market research, until in November last year I got my current job.

On the surface it is everything that I need - the hours suit me, being able to work four days a week, I get free parking, thanks to an arrangement with one of the local pubs, and I get on for the most part with my colleagues, yet there is still this vague feeling of dissatisfaction, that I should be doing something different. Until I started to write my book, I did not know what that 'something different' was, but since I made this discovery, my life has taken on new purpose and new meaning. I told myself that the dissatisfaction was due to not being able to do what I really love, and yet when I do spend time at home and have the opportunity to write, I spend it doing other things instead - browsing on the Internet, going for walks and cups of tea, shopping etc.

Maybe it is not about not being able to write at all, but more to do with the fact that I do not want to work full stop, since it is a symbol for me of being tied to the physical, material world. I wish to spend time at home doing what I want and when I want, and not be tethered by company rules, time keeping and politics. What really lies behind the dissatisfaction is not any of these things, but the need to return home and the longing to transcend this physical existence and return to source, where none of these things matter and there are no rules, just life in all its glory.

From darkness to light

I feel as if I have been hibernating for six long months and am finally coming back to life. It is like I am awakening from a long and deep slumber. Some of this feeling may be attributed to the fact that we are moving from winter into spring, the clocks having moved forward by an hour here last weekend. Most of it though can be attributed to the fact that today I made some startling revelations.

This came about largely as a result of a recent reading that I had. I asked four questions - one of which concerned my colleague the waffler, who has been pressing my buttons again of late.

The reason the waffler has been undermining me in the way that he has is because I have not been sufficiently present when at work. He has said several times that he did not realise I was talking to customers when I questioned him about why he butted in, and I did not understand how he could have felt this, but now I do. When one's energy and one's heart is elsewhere, as mine has been at work, you cannot be seen and cannot be heard and cannot be acknowledged, that is why he quite literally did not see that I was there with those customers and saying those things, for the simple reason that I was not. It is astoundingly simple and obvious when I think about it, and changes will be made to rectify this, starting on Monday.

Another way of viewing things

A new energy alert has just arrived in my inbox from Karen Bishop, which when I read it just now, felt compelled to post on here, since it serves as such a potent reminder for us to stay true to our authentic selves and shows us that there may be another way of viewing things when times get tough, - with love rather than anger.

For those who have not heard of Karen's work before, she is the author and web host of 'What's up on Planet Earth'. Emails in the form of energy alerts are offered several times per month by subscribing to the site. Here then is her latest message. Make of if what you will, and keep an open mind and heart:

"Greetings!

Some incredible new openings arrived for us on April 1st. Like a huge flower opening and readying to bloom, much was revealed to us and a very new doorway opened to allow an effortless and beautiful entry into a higher vibrating reality and world of our wildest dreams.

Some are having awesome and incredible experiences, and others are feeling stagnation and heaviness. There is a key to this door to heaven, and all we need do is be willing to grasp it and open the door.

I have been telling a tale the past months or perhaps years of dimensional hierarchies. I have been telling a tale about how we would eventually arrive in a space where we would be on a new and different “other side,” spending limited but valuable time on the dimensional border, and rarely going back to the lower and denser dimensions which will be crashing as they prepare to depart. This is all finally occurring now. This scenario is most certainly here…we are smack in the middle of it now.

What is the key to the door and what are some of the manifestations of this very new arrival into the higher realms?

Manifestations: The density in the higher realms is much lighter. This means that what remains is mostly the purer forms of vibration, with much gone that was released and purged (remember 2007, the year of purging and growth?). So then, there is not nearly as much “in between” manifestations of form. When we look out through the windows of our eyes, we don’t see as much forest, as much has been cleared.

In this regard, our boundaries are now much thinner. Very commonly through the ascension process, we experience specific phases of unpleasantness relating to boundaries. These phases always occur when we have reached a new and higher vibrating plateau. We can have an experience where we feel we have been violated, intruded upon, or perhaps that we were taken advantage of for our goodness, kindness and understanding. We can feel as if someone or something has entered our private space, taken control when we have not given permission, and is doing things or vibrating in ways that make us extremely uncomfortable. An unpleasant energy seems to want to run our show without our permission. There seems to be an uninvited intruder present.

Here is what is occurring: The lower vibrating energies are in extreme fear now, as they are aware (but rarely consciously) that they are departing. They are grasping to hold onto something. They are grabbing a shore and the shore is us. We feel good to them as we vibrate higher. We are loving and understanding. Thus, they are clinging onto us in desperation, and unfortunately, our understanding nature makes us very vulnerable.

Because of the new boundary situation with less density and boundaries present, they are really in our spaces. Having this kind of lower vibrating and very fearful and extreme energy within our spaces can feel scary, out of control, and even create panic and anxiety. The antidote can be simple ….we need to show love to these energies while we most assuredly refuse to allow these energies to continue their dance. We need to extricate ourselves from them, as they will most certainly pull us down into their space.

We can love them, but we need not spend all our time with them. Being firm while moving on is the best scenario here. But there is yet another piece. Compassion is a higher vibrating energy, but love vibrates even higher. When we are in compassion, we are taking on the energy of that which we are feeling compassion for. This pulls us down. In addition, there is no compassion on the other side as there is no suffering. Deep caring can be awesome, but too much of it can allow us to give ourselves away. Love is pure and simple. We love but do not own or relate anymore to the energies of which we are no longer in alignment with. Love and limited caring until we are able to be only in pure love is perhaps the best scenario in dealing with these energies.

Love and move on. Understand and care briefly, and move on. And when we are in the spaces of these lower vibrating energies, vibrating love to them will keep our own vibrations high while allowing us to reside in these spaces of dimensional divide for a limited time.

As the doors have finally flown open for our new residency in a higher realms reality, staying back with these fearful energies will only serve to pull us down, delay our arrival, and devalue ourselves as well. We have most certainly earned this new chapter, or new book of the life of our wildest dreams, and putting ourselves first will guarantee our arrival with complete certainty.

Is this being selfish? One of the “keys of being” that is included in Stepping Into the New Reality (yes, finally out soon for those of you who may be interested!) is that we have to put ourselves first. We can’t pour water from an empty pitcher. This way of being also keeps our vibration high as well.

What about service? Yes, very important here in regard to the dimensional hierarchies. Non-physical beings don’t spend a lot of time in our dimension, even though they can be great advisors and love us dearly. They do not spend much time in our dimension because they cannot. Higher and lower vibrating energies cannot exist in the same space for long periods of time.

We can always go lower, but we cannot go higher until we are matching that higher vibration within ourselves. We are now being asked to go higher and stay there as we are now vibrating higher. When we drop down to assist those vibrating lower, at the space of the dimensional boundary, we can only stay there for limited times of service, vibrating love and assistance through our store-fronts, and then we must go back home.

And any lower than the dimensional divide is the old world. The old world is falling fast now. Here in the US, the economy is crashing, as the old world is experiencing a need to turn inside out while its value system is re-structuring. Staying out of the old world is a necessity now, as we do not want to go down with the ship.

The key to the other side?

Letting go of the burdens and responsibilities that are not ours. Letting go of the illusional “have to’s.” No longer being there for others. Allowing the energies and journeys of others to be their own. Focusing on where we are now vibrating, or the higher realms, and really seeing where we actually are instead of focusing on what is falling away. The higher realms is right in front of us and many times we do not even notice. Not taking on the energies of others, not doing it all, and not feeling responsible for the whole of the planet, as the planet is right where it needs to be.

Lots of “nots” here! How about this more higher vibrating version instead: Following our bliss. Allowing ourselves to put ourselves first. Owning our own journey. Staying true to our pure and authentic selves. Being in our own space. Supporting ourselves as this supports the whole as well. And letting go of the burdens.

The theme here is responsibility. Many may need to let go of being over-responsible, but there are others who will need to become more responsible for themselves. Either way, there is an imbalance.

Once we let go and extricate ourselves from the energies of others we will be catapulted like magic into a very new reality. I can assure you, your life will turn into the life of your wildest dreams.

“Well, this doesn’t make much sense Karen,” you might be thinking. “After all, you have been saying for weeks and weeks that we were ‘waiting” for everyone else to catch up!”

We have most certainly been transmuting the energies for the whole. This has been a role of each and every lightworker indeed. And yes, we have been “waiting” for this new opening to occur as we wanted as many people on board as possible.

The transmuting and waiting are what was needed to create the critical mass of energy required to blast through to the other side. The mission has now been accomplished. Life on “the other side” is very different from life in the old world. We no longer transmute or wait for others to catch up, as we are all here right now. Being in our integrity, being true to ourselves, vibrating as high as possible while interacting with others who are doing the same is the way here. Equal contributions are the way as well. This supports the whole.

So then, equal contributions of our gifts and talents, or our true and authentic selves, requires a balance of responsibility…we cannot give too much and we cannot take too much either. Being who we are is the key. When we are all simply being who we are, in our integrity, then we naturally support each other.

We are all integral pieces of the whole, and now that we are vibrating higher and higher, we will begin to congeal in small like minded communities which will be separate from what is falling. We will begin supporting ourselves and no longer relying on support from the old outside world of the masses.

And as more and more individuals residing in the old world begin to be willing to let go and change, we will have the opportunity to assist them in getting to where we are through our store-fronts and our service which will exist on the dimensional border.

At times I receive correspondences from readers who vehemently object to portions of my writings. There is much room in these energy alerts for mis-interpretation. I am unable to go into great detail about each concept, and this can cause mis-interpretations. In addition, we are all vibrating at different levels and see through different filters as well.

So please know that some of this material may seem “off” to some of you without the luxury of a long winded explanation. In the new Stepping Into the New Reality program, there will be an opportunity to ask questions to gain clarity. The books and programs are much more in-depth as well. The energy alerts are meant to bring validation to our experiences and to assist in clarifying this sometimes strange and confusing experience of ascension. Many of us are tired as well and don’t wish to wade through a long winded energy alert several times per month.

My hope and desire is that the brevity of these messages serves to assist and support, and not to confuse. If we never read or attempted to learn one thing in this world, we would all be fine… because very simply, we are always right where we need to be. Enjoying our lives each and every day, being present in them, accepting that we are here having an experience called life, and enjoying the simplicity of each and every moment is all that is ever needed anyway.

We have everything we need right now. We are alive. We have a new opportunity each and every day to create fresh and new. There is much to be grateful for in the simplicity of each moment. We really don’t need to be anywhere else or even know anything!
http://www.whatsuponplanetearth.com/latest.htm

Wishing you heaven in your heart, starlight in your soul, and miracles in your life in these miraculous times...

Until next time,

Karen"

The biggest compliment

It has been a very strange week for me, and one in which I seem to keep getting my days mixed up. I am also extraordinarily tired, and as I write this, am struggling to keep my eyes open. This is largely due to the fact that I chose one of the busiest weeks of the year in which to work overtime. It was tempting to turn the offer down to work on Easter Monday. It turned to be a good thing that I did, as otherwise there would have been just two people in on the busiest day of the week.

An opportunity has arisen for me to apply for a paid job in the National Trust shop, where I worked as a volunteer one day a week until I was offered my current job. I am in two minds as to whether to go for it or not. In some ways it would help me tremendously, as the job would be just three days a week, at least one of which would be likely to be at the weekends. This would free up a lot more time during the week in order to concentrate once again on my writing. The basic hourly rate is slightly higher, but this would be outweighed by the fact that it is a shorter working day of only 5 hours in the winter and 6 in the summer. I am not convinced then that this would the right thing for me to do, since this would be a large pay cut.

One other option as the waffler pointed out, would be to apply for a transfer to our nearest alternative branch, whom he says do need staff at the moment. It is the same distance from home as my current job, and I would not have to worry about the cost of parking, since they have their own car park behind the store. Because this other store falls just within the M25 it would also mean that I would be entitled to London weighting, which would be the equivalent of around 50 pence an hour more. This then is tempting in a lot of ways.

Mind you, I was slightly chuffed when my Assistant Manager told me that there was no way they would let me leave. He said that they would rather pay me an extra 50 pence an hour themselves than see me go to another store! This is the biggest compliment I have ever received from an employer, as most of the other companies I have worked for have not exactly treated me well to put it mildly. I have been made redundant more times than I care to mention and once worked for a company who closed the kitchen showroom that I managed without even bothering to inform me of their plans! I only found out when the surveyor came in to measure up! My response was to write them a stinking letter telling them what I thought.

New growth and new beginnings

Last January (2007) I started an astrology course with my good friend and astrologer extraordinaire Sarah Jane Grace, and a very interesting and experiential course it was too. I studied astrology for about 2 years after I first developed an interest in spirituality, starting around 1996, and so knew the basics, but Sarah's course has taken my interest to much more depth and opened up a whole new way of looking at things.

The course itself finished just before Christmas, but we met up again tonight for the first of a series of monthly meetings. It was interesting to see just how much we all have in common with regard to what we are going through, and how I am not as alone as I thought I was in feeling the way that I do about how things are manifesting. We all have different things that we are going through - but every single one of us is flagging energy wise, and has no get up and go at all.

We have just moved into the sign of Aries, following the Spring Equinox on March 21st, which is traditionally associated with new growth and life, and is supposedly the time to begin new projects and start putting plans into action and thinking about the changes that we need to make in our lives. All four of us though reported a strong sense of anger and injustice though which is preventing Aries from manifesting in the right way.

Sarah then did a short atunement on each of us to bring us more into alignment with this sign and the energies that it represents - it will be interesting to see then if I feel any differently over the next few days and whether or not the ram permeates my dreams tonight.

What do I really want?

Having got back from a week on beautiful Lundy almost a week ago (one week today in fact), it seems that all hell has broken loose since. If there really is no rest for wicked, then goodness knows what I have done. My partner and I often joke that we deserve each other, but I really do not think that anyone deserves the things that seem to be happening to me right now.

Lundy though was as beautiful and magical as ever. I did not realise just how exhausted and in need of the break I was. When I got to the island, my cottage was as always, one of the last to be cleaned, and so I had to wait in the Marisco Tavern. I went for a few short walks and to the shop in order to get provisions, which I left outside the cottage door, but by mid afternoon I was just flagging, having driven all the way down to North Devon the day before and had very little sleep, and so I ended up going to sleep in the pub!

The cottage was finally ready by about 4pm and off I toddled off to find that my bags and provisions had all been placed neatly inside. It wasn't really worth unpacking for a week, so I just lived out of my holdall. That first night though I went to bed at 8.30pm and slept right through until 8.30am. I wish I could do that right now, as having been back for a week now, nothing has changed in my life, and I am still back to exactly the same situation that I left - I feel as if I am continually being forced between a rock and a hard place, when I would so much rather be between a pillow and a duvet!

The weather for the week was absolutely spectacular - so warm for February with cloudless blue skies practically from dawn to dusk. The sun sets slightly later over there to the far west, and the sunsets were almost as spectacular too. I had great fun walking all over the island (around 6 to 7 miles a day) photographing virtually every landmark that I could see or think of. The results have been truly outstanding, and my new digital camera has proved its worth 100 times over. It is such a revelation after using film all these years to be able to review pictures and delete the ones that are too samey or not good quality enough - because the light was in the wrong place or whatever.

When I got back home last weekend, there was an energy alert from Karen Bishop waiting for me which explained a few things. Karen runs an excellent website called What's up on Planet Earth, which you can subscribe to, and which gives channelled messages about the energy changes that are taking place within mankind and the planet as we move towards 2012.

I had to laugh when I read the first two paragraphs which read:

"Where in the heck is all that abundance, those big waves of light, joy, peace, and everything else that is supposed to have arrived in 2008, the year of New Beginnings? Are you perhaps wondering… “New beginnings…hah! What has happened now? Are things ever going to change? When is my ship going to come in? I’m sorry I ever dared to hope that the tide would ever turn! Every time I get my hopes up, they seem to get dashed by yet more unpleasantness and disappointments!”

“I absolutely have no more left to give. My gas tank is empty, my battery is dead, and I am overdone waiting to receive. I can no longer serve, care, or even wade through masses of red tape, processes, or hoops to jump through in order to get anywhere! I need help! I can’t do this on my own anymore! I am wiped out, burnt out and exhausted, and now I am even getting cynical, angry, frustrated, impatient, edgy, grumpy, and even a bit depressed…even to the point where I have become darn right apathetic. I cannot go on like this for one more day! I have been stretched to the limit, and there is nothing more left that can stretch…this is just too much, especially after all I endured in 2007. I want to go home now…”

Boy do I know how this feels! It describes the year I have had (and the depressing bit is that we are only two months in) to a tee. Karen goes on to say that thankfully I am not alone, and loads of other light workers feel exactly the same. The energies keep building up and building up, like a pressure cooker, which results in lots of anger and frustration that things are not going the way that we feel they should be - life just seems too much of a struggle all the time. This is because the clearing that is needed is not yet complete (how much more can there be!), BUT the good news is that it will not be long, and our time will most definitely come by the end of the year!

For this to happen, we need to absolutely crystal clear about what it is we really and truly want - from the deepest parts of our souls and from our heart of hearts, because we will most assuredly receive it! This is not necessarily though what we “think” is possible, but what it is that we really and truly want… or to use new age jargon perhaps, what is most in alignment with our true and authentic selves. Well it doesn't take a genius for me to know what I truly and deeply want from my life - to make a full time living as a writer and be financially independent enough not to have to work for others for the rest of my life. Also though to have the means to continue going to Lundy two to three times a year, to be healthy and strong, debt free, to have my partner by my side, and to have enough to live on when I finally am old enough to retire - not a lot to ask for then!

Until then though I can wait and hope, and try and have positive thoughts.

Sleep, walk, read and eat - in that order

I had an interesting chat with my Assistant Manager tonight, who seems to have read my mind regarding what has been happening at work. The new guy, whom I have nicknamed the waffler, is very much the salesman and one of the old school in everything but name, if you know what I mean, indicated that he has spoken to one of the top dogs within the company and moves may be afoot to bring back the old system whereby staff earn commission on their own personal sales. This was scrapped around 18 months ago, and the idea of team bonusses introduced instead.

This has resulted across the company in much stronger teams, particularly in smaller stores like mine. It has also though equalised things, as it means that those who like me, spend a lot of time tidying the store and doing essential jobs like ticketing and cleaning, and less time on sales, are equally rewarded for their efforts. After all, if these jobs were not done, then people like the waffler would be less able to sell in the first place, as it is the people like me who make the store look good and put the stock on the shelves to be sold in the first place.

The day they bring this back then is the day that I start looking for another job, as I do not think it right that people like the waffler should get all the glory and all the money when I work just as hard but in a different way. Still, I don't really think that this is likely to happen anyway, and my Assistant Manager did acknowledge this on the way back to the car park tonight. He also said that I must not be intimidated by the waffler, that I am still doing very, very well, and that we both have different ways of working that are equally valid and I should realise that and not make unnecessary comparions and feel pushed out and no longer part of the team.

When I hear things like this it really makes me appreciate what I have here, and realise that I have chosen the right company to be working for - after some of the previous employers I have worked for, who said almost the opposite and basically made me feel like a useless piece of s***, it was music to my ears.

Still, I will be glad to finish work tomorrow knowing that I have a week and a half off. I have been completely and utterly physically and emotionally exhausted of late, and I don't think it will really hit me just how tired I have been until I get to the island at Friday lunch time. I plan to sleep, walk, read and eat in that order and do very little else.