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Thursday, 8 January 2009

The clearing has begun

I had a good day on Tuesday and felt that I was dealing with things well. I managed to do all the things I was supposed to do without feeling bad. I see now that I was kidding myself and I was not coping at all - I was finding things to do, distractions, so I would not have to look at, or feel my pain. The most important distractions were this blog - I have been editing some of my older posts, and watching television.

Yesterday it hit me like a bolt from the blue. My partner had an appointment in town, so I went to the gym, and arranged to meet him afterwards in the coffee shop. As we were walking to the car park, I began to feel really bad, with waves of nausea and stomach cramps. He told me I looked as a white as a sheet. When we got to the centre I decided to sit quietly and have a drink to see how I felt, and as I sat I began to read Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth". My partner had begun to read a few snippets, so I opened the book where his bookmark lay, which happened to be at the chapter about the ego (chapter three).

What Tolle had to say made me feel even worse, since it was such a perfect description of me, a section that try as I might I cannot now find. Maybe I no longer need to find this, as I have recognised myself and begun to move beyond it. Yesterday I certainly moved beyond something.

After I had finished my drink, and the tears began to fall, I did my best to exercise. I thought that if I tried to make the effort it may help, by moving things through the body. It did that alright, but not in the way I would have hoped, for instead of moving things through, it brought things to the surface in the most unpleasant of ways.

When my partner and I got home, I was gripped by what I can only describe as fear. I could not tell you where this fear was coming from, even if I tried, and I don't particularly want to try. I hope I never experience fear of that magnitude again. As the day wore on, and the symptoms got worse and worse - waves of nausea, cramps and backache, with the most intense fear and shaking - all at the same time - I began to appreciate what my partner has been through all these years with his own issues. I have not been the most sympathetic of partners, but from now on, I will be.

The symptoms although unpleasant were to be expected. When you challenge boundaries, as I have done, my own and others they have placed upon me, and those boundaries begin to break down, it moves you into a new and different space. This is one of taking responsbility for ones own actions, and in my case, recognising that it was a choice to walk away. This brings up all your fears and issues around safety - your own dark night, or in my case, dark day of the soul.

As the day wore on, and with plenty of rest, and no distractions, the feelings gradually wore off, to be replaced by early evening with a great sense of calm - I had entered the void. The void is that empty space between states, where you are waiting for the next thing to occur - what my partner refers to as the "chrysalis". My Journey teacher referred to this as the "unknown zone". This is the message that appears on our computers when we are waiting for a web page to open - so even Bill Gates has some spirituality.

I awoke this morning after the best nights sleep since I last returned from Lundy. I had been been hoping to go to Iceland this summer, but after what has happened, I do not know what my financial situation will be and if I will be able to afford it. When I saw there were 2 weeks free on my beloved island at the end of July on Tuesday morning, I telephoned the Landmark Trust to make a booking. I suppose I could have waited to see what happened, but those two weeks would probably have gone and then I could have faced the prospect of having no summer holiday at all. At least this way I know I will get the break I will need - and in this case that doesn't mean a broken leg!

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