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Monday, 12 January 2009

Back to normal - whatever that is?

After a difficult couple of days (my emotions have been up and down like a yo-yo), today I am feeling relatively good. Saturday was the worst day. My partner and I went into town to get some shopping, and my purse was stolen, with all my cards and £40 cash that I had just withdrawn. Whoever it was may well have followed me from the cashpoint. On top of everything else that has happened, it made me feel ill, but I am nothing else if not a survivor, and I will bounce back.

We went straight home to phone the various banks and get the cards cancelled, and also to phone the Police, but it doesn't change the fact that it is gone. The purse itself may not be worth anything, but that is not the point - it takes 7-10 days to issue new cards, and while I am waiting I do not have access to any of my funds. Those thieves stole every last penny that I had on me, and until those cards arrive, I am having to borrow from my patner - I feel like a kept woman.

All of this has made me painfully aware of the little things in life and how much we take them for granted - things like being able to go out for a cup of tea, or to buy a newspaper or some chocolate - the little things that don't cost very much, but we still need money for. At the moment I am having to rely on him for these and everything else.

Our friend Sarah Jane Grace had some interesting things to say in an email yesterday. I am seeing her later on this morning for our regular astrology group (I must remember to ask my partner for the money to pay her). We are both at a bit of a crossroads, my partner probably more so than I am, as all my troubles have been pressing his buttons like mad and making him much worse than I am (I didn't think this was possible after Wednesday).

Sarah feels that we would benefit from some joint soul work and maybe some readings too - as part of that work. She has done this before with couples, and says that it helps them to cement their bond, but also to connect on a soul level, to understand where they are heading, both as a couple and as individuals. She feels as I do, that the incident with my purse was a reminder not to take things for granted, not just the little things (this is my words, not hers) but the fact that I will always have money full stop. This serves as a reminder that I cannot continue to sit around the house, that it is time for me to get out there and start looking for another job.

Despite my longings, I know in my heart of hearts that Lundy would not be the answer - it is my haven and place of solitude, and if I were to make a permanent move, that haven would be gone. There would be nowhere for me to retreat to in times of trouble. Perhaps that is the whole point, as I would have to rely on my own internal resources. That is what Lundy does anyway, by putting you into that space where the mind goes so still that you can hear yourself again, and more to the point, hear your inner guidance, as opposed to the ego. I have been running on ego for far, far too long, and my pain body has been acutely active these past few months. It is beginning to settle a bit more now the worst is over, and I hope it stays that way, for it has been mentally and emotionally exhausting, not just for me, but also for my partner, who has to live with the results. When you form a partnership, as we have, that partnership is not just with the person as a physical entity, but also with their pain body.

Thankfully Sarah does not see us splitting up (the thought had crossed both of our minds), but she does see a three month sabbatical on Lundy, to get my head together. I am not sure about this, for all the reasons I wrote about yesterday, and it is something to ponder a bit more. Perhaps I will get some further answers today. Personally I feel, as of this morning, that is time for me to get back into "normal" life, - a normal routine and a normal job.

Sarah sees me making a living as a freelance writer - I would love this more than anything to be the case, but it takes time to make the contacts and become established. I would need another part time job while I built my business up. At the same time, she sees me doing some form of voluntary work - perhaps for the CAB - after my recent troubles I had thought about this - or becoming a Union representive - I am not a member, but wish I had been.

I have some ideas for a few articles that I need to get started on - the longest and most important of which will be an article on Lundy - what else - which I plan to offer to a leading spiritual magazine that I have subscribed to for a number of years - I have checked the submission guidelines and need to get started, as I keep putting it off. I am also going to try my luck with some letters pages - some magazines pay up to £50 for letters their readers send in, and my revelations re the stolen purse would be of interest to a lot of people. Good can come from bad.

For the moment though, I need to get showered and dressed, and get something to eat, as my stomach is rumbling like mad. My digestion has been haywire these past few months - a sure sign of stress, but is beginning to settle back down. I must also remember to telephone my contact from the village newsletter, who needs help with her housework.

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