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Saturday, 3 January 2009

With power comes responsibility

What a year 2008 turned out to be! With so much going on these past few days and not having the space to think, let alone write, much has remained unsaid.

On New Years Eve, I watched the film Chocolat starring Juliet Binoche. Binoche plays the role of Vianne, a wanderer who obeys the north wind, drifting across the country as it blows, with her six year old daughter (her inner child perhaps). The film is set in 1960's rural France, when Catholicism maintained a stranglehold, dictating both morals and behaviour. As a single mother who did not go to church, Vianne caused more than a few ripples. Although these ripples were difficult to go through at the time, ultimately they changed the town and its inhabitants for the good.

I have noticed over the years that I too am a catalyst for change - especially at work. It seems as if I go into a particular job (I have noticed this with other non work related situations as well), ruffle a few feathers by bringing things to their attention, and then leave. This seems to act as a catalyst, whereby within a very short space of time, other people do the same (leave that is). It is almost as if there is something about me that awakens things in others - the realisation perhaps that there is more to life than they are currently choosing to experience, and that they can make another choice that is much better and more appropriate for their needs. I do not go into a job in order to create this, but to live and survive, like everyone else. This seems to happen spontaneously, and is totally beyond my control.

The last two weeks have been extraordinarily stressful. I do not think I realised the full extent of this stress until I attended a meeting yesterday to discuss my issues. I finally had the chance to say my piece and be heard, presenting my evidence. I was surprised at the outcome, which knocked me for six.

It seemed as if I had two choices, to either return to that situation and see it through, or to walk away. After much deliberation, and on the advice of friends, I have decided to return and see it through.

This will be one of the most difficult things I have ever had to face, but face it I must, as if I don't, then everything I have accomplished these past two weeks will have been in vain. It does not affect my other issues, which will be dealt with in their own way, but it gives me the opportunity to work through this in my own way, which is crucial if this is to be resolved. Having made this decision, I feel like a ten tonne weight has been lifted.

When you begin to challenge and push through barriers that have been imposed by others, you move into a completely different energetic space, which to begin with feels alien and excruciatingly uncomfortable. That is the space that I am now in. In order to acclimatise to that space, you have to remain in it, for as long as it takes. It may take a few hours, or days, or it may take months. It takes as long as it needs to, but you have to allow that process to unfold in its own time, as you cannot see the bigger picture.

As you work through these issues and begin to reclaim your power, you realise that with power comes responsibility. You have to take responsibility for the choices that you make, and cannot blame others. For many years those in authority have sought to stifle the power and authority of others, but we have conspired to allow this by not speaking out and by not voicing our truths. In the past I have been guilty of this, but I cannot by any stretch of the imagination say that I have done this in the past two weeks.

It took courage and strength that I did not know I had in order to see this through and to challenge those that sought to take my power. If I choose to walk away at this stage, having come this far, then they will take it all over again. That is why I have to return to this situation and see things through.

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