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Tuesday, 6 January 2009

What's the worst that can happen?

Despite my best efforts to see things through, yesterday I chose to walk away. I should have realised when the tears began to fall as I got dressed that it was not going to work, but I felt I had to try, no matter how difficult it was. I managed to stay in that space for 3 hours, but when I left for lunch, the pain hit me like a bolt from the blue. When I found myself sitting in the local coffee house, with tears streaming down my face, I knew it was time to call a halt. A tearful call was made to my beloved to come and collect me, and when I got home, I did the only thing I could - and should have done months ago - I walked away.

It is a relief to know that I can finally put this to bed, although it is not over quite yet. I still have other issues that need to be resolved. These will be dealt with in their own time, and once they are, I can begin to move on.

Yesterday I wrote that if I chose not to see this through, I would be giving my power away all over again, but having made a different choice, I can see that this is not the case. This was about giving myself the opportunity to make a choice, and not being fearful about that choice, but also about taking responsbility for the choice that I made. It is easy to pass that responsibility to others and let them make the choices for us - that is what I hoped would happen on Friday at the meeting I had to attend.

As you grow from a child to an adult, there is always someone playing on our fears by telling all the things we cannot do - most of the time they are projecting their own fears onto us. We learn through our interactions with the world, ways to make our own lives as easy as possible, as when we are told we cannot do things, we believe that, and instead of pushing through our own boundaries, we stay enclosed in theirs.

We eventually realise that we give people our power so that they can make choices for us - the choice of whether to stay in a situation we hate and that makes us ill, simply to pay the bills. By staying in these situations, we become even more ill, until we are forced to take time off, and then all our fears are realised, as we have less money with which to pay those bills. If we had walked away when our egos first told us to, then we would not have been in this situation.

It would be easy to buy into the fear, the what ifs and all the buts, but as Jelaila Starr says in her latest video, what's the worst that can happen? It already has, so what else is there to fear?

I know that I will be taken care of, and that something wonderful and much more appropriate for my needs is just around the corner, beckoning.

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