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Friday, 26 December 2008

My Christmas presents - pain and trauma

I can't believe it is Friday already, the end of possibly the most traumatic week I have ever experienced. On Christmas Eve, after I had been on the phone for hours trying to sort this mess out, I sat on the settee and the tears started to fall. Before I knew what was happening I was shaking and crying inconsolably, I could feel the pain and the anguish in every inch of my body. The depth of my despair was such that I was contemplating just ending it all; walking to the medicine cupboard and counting out the pills. Images of loved ones flashed before my eyes - how would they feel and react, what effect would it have on them. Images of not so loved ones were also there - whom I perceived as the cause of this pain - would they regret their actions and were they already doing so? Were they sitting at home feeling as I did right now? Somehow I did not think so, for most people have no idea of the pain that they cause. How can they, for they are not you.

It was distressing and alien to feel this way - I am not used to losing control, but when I think back to events of the recent past, I have lost control on almost every level.

Slowly I began to pull myself together and the shaking ceased, to be replaced by a great sense of calm and an unshakable belief in not just myself, but also the universe. I can and will get through this. The trauma may not be over yet, as I still have to go through certain processes, but the truth is that they cannot do anything worse to me than what has already been done. If I can keep this in mind, and speak from the heart, when I do get my chance, then I can and will get through.

Last night I dreamt about being raped, which given the symbology of this crime is perhaps not surprising. Rape is nothing to do with sex, but about power and control, about being violated on every level. That is how I feel. Thankfully the dream was not that vivid, and I awoke with only vague recollections, but that is enough. I searched the Internet for ideas as to what else this may mean, and found some which were spot on. One in particular states "Rapes often are just metaphors for abuse and a sense of powerlessness. They may link to people who have lied and cheated to you and taken advantage of you." When I read this, it really said it all.

It has not then been the best Christmas all things considered, but for us, just another day of the year. We did not have the heart to even put the tree up this year, so the house is devoid of tinsel or decorations at all (apart from our cards). Yesterday morning we spent time calling various relatives - my brother and his children, plus my partner's sister, her husband and children and his Mum. It was good to catch up and see how they are doing. My eldest nephew has recently got engaged (my brother is also getting re-married, although not for a while), and my other nieces and nephews are doing well in their chosen careers - sadly the same cannot be said for my partner's sister and her family, who are really struggling.

We had our lunch around 1pm. Butternut squash and cranberry roast with potatoes, cauliflower cheese and all the trimmings. Christmas pudding with cream and custard was served later on as we watched Dr Who. Following EastEnders, it was time to catch up with various friends overseas, whom I have to say have been wonderfully supportive through recent events. It was then an early night to catch up on some very fitful sleep.

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