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Wednesday, 19 January 2011

A prayer to the universe - with some insights along the way

I have had a pretty tough time of late, waiting for a decision regarding the full time job I applied for and was interviewed for on Monday. I was told that I would probably know the outcome yesterday, but yesterday has come and gone with no word from my Manager at all, despite meetings with the Director, and today, which was my day off, has gone as well with the same lack of communication.

At times like this, the mind starts to go into overdrive imagining all sorts of scenarios and reasons as to what the delay may be about. Most of them of course have little bearing on what is really going on. Today though I had one of those ah ha moments which helped to shed light on what it is I have been feeling these past few months. I have been aware that for some time now there has been this feeling of discontent, that when I look back on things began last spring. This time last year my colleague, the one who has just left, went off sick for three months with a slipped disc, and I was asked to step in to help cover her hours and keep the home ticking over. During that time I worked more or less full time, and then when she returned to work I was dropped like a hot potato and went back to my normal part time hours. It was almost as if I had a taste of what things could be like for me if I was to go full time, and having got used to it and told myself that this might be a possibility, it was abruptly taken away. Add to the mix problems with my sister that kicked off at about that same time, a busy exam season and preparations for my first overseas trip in almost 7 years and you can see that I was under considerable stress. The last thing I needed was to be asked to undertake a distance learning course in my own time, and have the Director moaning about standards in the home having slipped, but that is exactly what I got, with no annual pay rise to boot. No wonder I felt dispirited, unseen and unheard.

I then discovered that I had been rostered to do extra work without having been asked. You can imagine then what my reaction and indeed what the reaction of any rational human being was. I was not pleased and made my feelings known. In retrospect I can see that this was not the right thing to do. It is not so much that I should not have said the things that I said, but more the way in which this was done.

You see, when you have a history of working for companies where you felt unable to express yourself and be honest about what you feel, and then find yourself working working for someone who you do feel safe enough do do this with, it tends to explode outwards. You go from one extreme to the other and like a pendulum which swings from left to right before settling int a balanced state, you need to do the same, and find appropriate ways of expressing that which is in your heart. Because I am new to all of this and have been suppressed for so long, as I have yet to learn that new way of being and so the things that I say come out in the wrong way sounding accusing when that is not the way it is meant to be. I need to find a way of honestly and openly expressing my needs without blame, but plainly and simply stating the facts as I see it, and that I am yet to learn.

It is easy to figure out why I am the way that I am, for when one has a long history of working for those who abused your trust and used you as a scapegoat for their failings and inadequacies you become afraid of stating your truth, for fear that you will not be understood and of what the repercussions will be. Several times I have ended up having to walk away from jobs because my employer would not or could not understand what it is I was trying to tell them. I do not want the same thing to happen here.

It always seems to happen that you start off on a nice even keel, with your mind clear, knowing your reasons for doing things and being where you are and somehow the mind begins to creep in creating dramas and conflicts to test your sanity and keep you on your toes. I know that I have had a lot to deal with these past few months, but I am not the only one and need to find ways of expressing what I feel and letting off steam without it affecting those relationships at work, as otherwise I may start to get a reputation as someone who is difficult and this will affect my future prospects.

I do not think this has happened yet, and my Manager and I have had several frank discussions on certain things, but she is unaware as to exactly what has happened in my past and what it is that makes me at times like this. Maybe it is time to share that information. One thing I do know is that I do deserve this job. It is the waiting and the not knowing that I hate, where like I said, the mind starts to go into overdrive imagining discussions between the different parties as to why you may not get it, and what your reaction will be. None of this helps as you end up quite possibly creating the very thing that you do not want.

This waiting period, which is also the time of the Full Moon, gives me the opportunity to focus on what I do want and to bring that into manifestation, so tomorrow when I have the opportunity I will take the bull by the horns, and if there is no news then I will ask. It is the only way to know, and after all, you know what they say, those who do not ask do not get. So tonight I say a prayer to the universe that I have done all the thinking and all the analysing that I need to, and this is truly from the depths of my heart with every fibre of my being what I desire - to work full time as part of this wonderful team that gives me the opportunity to serve and make a difference, helping my own soul to evolve in the process.

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