Positives and Negatives

Tonight, I was sitting at home enjoying EastEnders when the phone rang - it was Sarah Jane, who runs the astrology group that I have been attending for the past 18 months. I had totally forgotten that we were supposed to be meeting tonight. Luckily the group is based at her mother's house, who lives on the same park as us, less than a five minute walk away, so I very quickly got changed out of my dressing gown, filled a water bottle and got there as fast as I could.

I was glad that I did, because the meditation as always, provided much food for thought. The sun has just moved into the airy sign of Gemini - the twins, and this is highlighting for me, the duality of existence that I am living by at the moment - the need to work and earn money, against the need to, you guessed it - write. I get the feeling that things will start to ease soon, but for the moment at least this is the situation that I am living with and I have to do my best to cope with this in the only way that I know how.

I have three planets in Gemini - all of them interesting and potentially very positive - except for the fact that they are squaring four other ones - which are not so interesting or positive. A dialogue has opened up between the seven planets concerned - in Gemini, Jupiter, Vesta and the north node of the Moon - the point of destiny or dragon's head, and in Pisces - Chiron, the Moon, Saturn and Ceres - and I am a lot clearer as to what I need to do to get through the particular challenges that these bring. In a nutshell, meditate, and ask for help !

One hell of a ride

Today it looks very much like I will soon be out of a job. We were told at work some time ago that a big announcement would be made to the City today regarding the future of the company and where we were heading, and it was not good news.

Our parent company have decided to close 77 stores. Most of these closures will come about in the form of natural wastage - simply put the stores will close as and when their leases expire. The lease in our store expires at the end of July, and so it seems that mine will be too, and I will have to look for a new job.

While this is still not official, it is as good as a done deal. While I had been half expecting this for several months, it has still come as a bit of a shock to find that despite my rantings about the job on here, I have got used to going there four mornings each week and interacting with the customers.

It is ironic that this happened just at the moment that I finally have committed to this job, and begun to accept the fact that I will not be able to make a living from writing. I have tried so hard these past few weeks to really put the effort in and change the way that I think and feel, and have begun to make some real inroads and significant gains in confidence. I have even broken through the blockage that I seemed to have around selling the expensive items, and had made my mind up that I would like to be trained as expert, but it seems that this is not to be.

Maybe I was only meant to be there for a short period of time - to learn what I needed to learn from the experience and move on. There has I must admit, been a hell of a lot of learning to do, and it has at times, been very, very challenging indeed. In many ways, the job epitomises everything that I despise about the consumer society in which we live, where meaningless entertainment has superseded both family and real life.

My Manager has a meeting on Tuesday with his own boss to discuss what opportunities may be open to him and his staff who wish to remain with the company, and I guess we will know better then what our options are, but right now I am not sure whether I want to stay at all. Maybe it is time to move on to something bigger and better, something where I can be much more myself, perhaps in an office environment, or maybe even a book store or a library. Only time will tell, but I get the feeling that something much better is waiting just around the corner.

Standing Still

A funny thing seems to have happened this weekend - it is almost as if time has stood still, yet at the same time, I have been aware of it moving very quickly as well. When I had my reading a few weeks ago, she said that once I began to let go I would find that I seemed to have more time for a lot of things, and was no longer running around like a headless chicken. It seems that she was right.

It seems in many ways, to have a even busier weekend than normal. It began on Friday with a trip to the gym and then the supermarket. I find I am getting very fit and strong these days, and I love the way my body looks - I am developing arm muscles that I never had before, and my shoulders have a nice defined look at them. This is no doubt helped by my job - lifting and carrying objects, which in some cases, are almost as big as I am. When I first joined the gym at the beginning of last year, I could not use the treadmills for more than a few minutes without holding on to the rail to steady myself, and I struggled to lift more than 7 kilos. Now I can walk or cycle comfortably for half an hour if not more, at up to 6 kms an hour and comfortably lift more than twice as much. I will perhaps never be a runner, but have always been a walker, preferring a steady pace, and I enjoy the satisfaction of continually pushing myself to reach a goal.

On Friday I spent a lazy afternoon lounging around the viewpoint, sitting in the sun, drinking tea and reading A New Earth. I am almost halfway through the book now - after 2 weeks and it has certainly made a big difference to my life. I still find myself slipping back into the old egocentric ways, but at least now I am much more aware of when I do that, and can see what lies underneath it rather than becoming embroiled and believing that the voice in the head is who I am.

I suppose that is what I love about Lundy - the ability it gives me to completely disengage from the mind chatter and get out of my mind completely - trust me on this - it's the only place to be!

Yesterday the day began with a a visit to the Village Fun Day. This was a chance to network with various people from around our village gathering news and gossip for the forthcoming edition of the village newsletter that I edit. The copy deadline is looming once again! I got home and wrote up the various stories that I have been working on - I also wrote a piece about the Fun Day itself, with a list of the regular events that take place in the Hall.

Then it was lunch time, followed by a trip into town to get a skirt for work - it is becoming too hot now for trousers, and I thought that if I flash some leg, it might help me to sell a few more things to the younger male customers, giving me the edge!

The evening was a busy one as well, with phone calls to be made once again for the village newsletter - to the Secretary for the Roads Association, the Secretary for the Residents Association on our park home site, and then to the District Councillor to see if she could help with some legal information regarding the Council Tax banding situation. She couldn't, so I emailed a company called Park Home Legal Services instead, whom I found via the Internet. I will be seeing the District Councillor at the Neighbourhood Council meeting tomorrow, so we can bring each other up to date on various things then.

It was funny though, because my partner and I both thought that Casualty, one of the few television programmes that I still like to watch, was on at 8.45pm, and I ended up stuck on the phone sorting out these various issues until 9.15pm. I switched the TV on anyway to catch what I thought would be the end, only to find that I had got the time wrong and it started at 9.20pm after all ! Isn't the universe wonderful when you let go of expectations and begin to go with the flow !

So, today promises to be yet another sweltering day - and another busy one. We are off to the gym in a moment before it gets too hot, we will then no doubt stop at the viewpoint to catch the breeze and some more sun, before coming home to cook lunch and do the laundry for next week - the whites are whizzing round as I speak. After that I have to go and interview my subject for this months centrespread and take some more photographs to accompany the text, and then well, we will see what happens.

What a busy weekend then it has been - five weeks and 6 days to go to Lundy and counting ... Not that I am wishing my life away you understand.

The latest update from Karen Bishop

Late last night, just as I was about to switch my computer off, a new energy alert came in from Karen Bishop, which I feel in part, compelled to post on here. It certainly explains a few things, and it reads as follows:

"Although an energy alert was just posted on May 1, because we experienced a shift yesterday on May 5, I felt it important to post this much needed information today. If you have not read the energy alert for May 1, kindly access it here.

Yesterday, May 5, we experienced a much needed shift in the energies. Yesterday was the cross-quarter between the equinox and the solstice, or the half way point of the meeting of masculine and feminine…a good breaking point marking a move from one energetic space into another.

A few weeks ago, I was putting my bed and frame together, and ended up pinned under my queen size box spring. What a heavy load it was, and what a difficult time I had trying to get out from under it! “OK,” I told myself. “I realize this is symbolic of the current energies, but can I get out now?” And this is what the energies have been doing up until yesterday, the 5th.

We have been under a huge amount of pressure, not being able to catch up, seemingly not being able to get out from under a barrage of things piling up on us, and feeling an immense burden of responsibilities, have to’s, and perhaps even feeling trapped in a merry-go-round of nothing being resolved, with no solution in sight.

Just when we thought we could take no more, something else would land on our plate or in our space, and we would have to deal with that. Around and around the energies would go, with just too much to do while seemingly getting nowhere with anything. Having to do things over, and still with no resolution, was a common manifestation. Many of us could simply not get on top of anything. We were buried beneath a big box spring of who knows what with no end in sight!

Exhaustion, fatigue, short fuses, tightness, and just feeling plain worn out were common symptoms. No time for anything enjoyable, no time to relax, and even if we made the time, the tightness was there and it could be difficult to relax even when intending to relax!

It could also be difficult getting comfortable with much of anything. Not much of anything would feel right. No good movies, nothing good to read, our creative endeavors might have felt off and not right, and many may have felt that nothing was fitting….nowhere to go that felt remotely good or right. Being out in nature may even have felt “off” for some unknown reason.

Also during this time, we were detoxing. This can manifest as body and muscle pain, sinus headaches, nausea, and a general feeling of toxins within our system. Insomnia was prevalent as well, as the energies were building and had nowhere to go as of yet. Restless sleep, even when exhausted, and waking up at dawn were common occurrences for many.

In one fell swoop, things finally culminated, and the shift occurred. For me, I felt nauseous, completely flattened for about an hour, and as if I had been run over by a truck. Then it was over.

And as the energies built, the weather was affected as well. Violent occurrences of tornadoes, typhoons, high winds, vast variances in the temperature from one day to the next, and the like. Much movement in many arenas!

Up until yesterday, the energies were jammed, so to speak. This was because we had reached a new plateau, or higher dimension at the end of March, and were not yet in alignment with much. And the new energies were pushing against the old, piling on top of each other because the new alignments were not yet completed. Although this pattern will continue with much of the world, the May 5th break will help to alleviate much that we have been feeling within us."

This pretty much sums up exactly how I have been feeling, and although I realise that a lot of it is my own stuff, it is also good to know that cosmic forces are at work to help me break down these issues, and begin to work through them in a much more effective way.

Karen goes on to talk about the US economy; how things are beginning to reach crisis point and how a lot of the blockages were caused by the fact that the energy itself was jammed - as above, so below I guess! I certainly felt something shift over the last weekend, and something quite profound. The trick now has been holding on to that space while continuing back at work - which has not been easy at all.

I managed it okay on Monday, but then that was a quiet day, and the waffler was not in! He was back though yesterday and with a vengeance. It sounds awful, but last week he had a job offer from another store (he has been looking around for a while). There I was thinking that I was going to get rid of him, and that I must have worked through the challenges that he had presented to me. I should have realised that I am not the only one in this store, and others may not have worked through them quite yet, as he has decided not to take it, and to stay where he is for the moment - something about not wanting to travel. I can't say I blame him in some ways, as his girlfriend and most of his friends work in the town, and so it is convenient, and the other store, although larger, is not in nearly such a nice area.

Oh well, I guess there is still more work to do - still, the sun is shining once again and the church yard round the corner presented a sunny spot to sit in yesterday while I had my lunch. Time to get that uniform on again then for another day ...

The meaning of life

I had a strange dream in that moment of transition between sleep and wakefulness, the exact details of which I can no longer recall. I do recall though that my sister Linda was there - an unusual occurrence in itself given that she suffers from schizophrenia, and our relationship is not exactly what you call best friends.

From the few details that I do remember, the dream was based around the island of Lundy, where I retreat to two, maybe three times a year, in order to recharge my batteries. Somehow or other I had got locked out of the cottage, with all my possessions inside - everything that I needed to sustain me and keep me warm from the rapidly encroaching darkness as night fell. Linda and I needed to get help to get back into the cottage before this happened, and while she seemed totally unconcerned, I was searching around, desperately looking for help and wondering whether we had time to get that help before it was too late. It was at that point that the alarm clock went off and I had to get out of bed. I would not normally set the alarm clock of course for a Bank Holiday, but I do work in retail, and so to me, it is just another working day - albeit slightly shorter and with more pay.

It occurred to me while I was in the shower, that perhaps this is about letting go of my own baggage. My friend Diana Summer mentioned some while ago that the Terminal 5 baggage fiasco was also about this - where thousands of bags belonging to air passengers failed to arrive at their destination, and weeks later have still not been found. The fact that the darkness was encroaching was also no doubt, about my own willingness, or perhaps lack of it, to look at my own darkness. I think most of us are afraid of this, and I am no exception here. I also think, or rather feel, that I have made a very good start.

For the first time I actually understand experientially as well as conceptually what that phrase "choose a new reality" really means, and I also understand at last, just how powerful our words and our thoughts really are. It is not something that you can explain to another, as to coin a phrase from Genesis of Man "Words are the least effective way of describing our experiences, as they are merely symbols which are used to describe our thoughts and feelings". When Descartes said "I think, therefore I am" perhaps what he should have said is "I feel, therefore I am".

We have to be willing to let go of everything that we are, and everything that we ever have been if we are to understand who we are truly are. When I think about this, I see transsexuals in many ways as the ultimate in this - for these are people who are willing to give up their whole sense of identity - changing their bodies, their names and literally starting all over again to order to find who they truly are inside. On the other side of the coin are the refugees and 'victims' of various atrocities, who have lost their livelihood, their homes and their loved ones - and seen things that are the stuff of nightmares.

Acceptance of what is

I have just returned from a particularly interesting morning with my friend and astrologer extraordinaire, Sarah Jane Grace. Readers may recall that for some time now, I have been studying with Sarah on her course entitled Astrodynamics.

The morning began with looking at the Sabian symbol for the day - the Sabians being a star worshipping 'cult' from south-east Turkey, originating in the dim and distant past. Writer Andrew Collins mentions them in some of his books - in particular his latest, The Cygnus Mystery and also his first book, From the Ashes of Angels. The wording though for the symbol is as follows:

"A quiet, youthful young couple are walking down a busy street stopping to peer into every window with joyful glee".

It was interesting how this meant different things to different members of the group. For me it seemed to relate to materialism and how although on the surface many of these things seem to be illusory and transient, they are linked in ways that we do not know, for it is actually the sale and acquisition of these 'things' that keep the universe in motion, and the wheels ticking over, creating a ceaseless ebb and flow of monetary energy upon which we all depend.

We moved into the sign of Taurus the bull around nine or ten days ago, and since then, well, I don't need to tell you of all the dramas that have manifested in my life. The bull is one of those strange almost two faceted animals, which on the one hand looks graceful, quiet and serene grazing in the field, yet if you anger him and get on his wrong side, then boy do you know it! He is a slow and patient animal which cannot be pushed and has to be allowed to do things in his own time and at his own pace, in many ways a bit like myself.

The material world makes few allowances for this with the frenetic pace of modern life, and it seems, more and more demands being placed upon us every day. Customers have to be seen and dealt with then and there when they are in front of you, even if it is time for lunch, or you need to go to the toilet; they cannot wait and their needs have to come first, as secondary to your own. This is the nature of retail and the modern world that we live in.

There is also another side to Taurus, which resists these challenges and these pressures. Venus the ruler of Taurus, appreciates nature and sensuality, and this is bursting forth, as witnessed by the sudden blossoming this week of the cherry trees around our area. Aries, the sign that we have just left, was about that urgent creative spark, and as the energy builds towards the Summer Solstice on June 21st (my birthday as it happens) this is a perfect opportunity to put our dreams and aspirations into action, to stride out into the universe and make things happen through our intent.

Taurus is the lull in between, that creative space where you are waiting for those things to happen, and well, I have never been a particularly patient person. This has to a large extent been instilled into me by the demands of the material world, and the aforementioned career in retail that I mentioned.

It seems that the first thing that I do each morning after I have showered is switch on this damned computer. It is also the first thing I do, after removing my uniform when I get home from work. I do not allow myself to switch off and even switch between modes, but just rush from one place, to the next never allowing myself to unwind and just be. No wonder my mind is so over active then, and no wonder I cannot switch off. The time would be much better spent, I have come to the conclusion, in silent meditation, as this would set me up for the day so that I start at work refreshed and in the right frame of mind, free from distractions of not just my book, but everything else too. This then is the over riding thing that I got from today.

I cannot afford to waste time worrying about the things that I cannot control, and which are outside of myself. When you are in the midst of identification with the mind, which is a very powerful thing, it is all consuming and you cannot see the wood for the trees. You become absorbed and almost totally surrounded by what Eckhart Tolle refers to as the pain body, which is a complex interweaving of thought forms and emotions, a product of our past experiences. This is the baggage that has been imposed upon us not just by society, but also by ourselves, for we have been complicit in allowing society to 'do' these things to us, and have allowed this baggage to become 'ours'. Once we begin to see through this, as I have done today, then there comes a tremendous release of pent up emotion, and beneath that, a deep sense of peace and acceptance of what is. It is a knowing of what needs to be done and an acceptance of what is, the recognition that you no longer need to be right or to be angry with the world, for all is at peace, and is manifesting as you have chosen it to be.

The demise of the ego

During the past week, being back at work full time (which for me means four days a week) I have become at times, almost painfully aware of just how over active my mind is. By this I mean that there seems to be this endless chatter going on in the background, in the periphery of my vision, which manifests itself as a vague feeling of dissatisfaction and unease. This seems to be borne from the fact that I do not like the life I have chosen, or more accurately, that my ego does not like the life that I have chosen.

The ego though is an illusion and not who I am, it is merely the inner manifestation of all my deepest fears and loathings, about not just life, but ultimately who and what I am. It is the part of me that wishes to deny my own divinity, for to accept this will mean that I am powerful beyond measure and have no need for the pettiness that the ego becomes embroiled in. This, like the various products that we sell at work, is merely a distraction designed to detract away from the fact that I am not just unique, but also divine - for God does not rest outside of us as some obscure and judgmental man, or even woman, but lives in the heart of every single one of us. The ego uses every means at its disposal in order to deny this very important fact, and will go to almost any lengths, including killing us slowly inside, through insanity or other means (Eckhart Tolle says that the over active mind is the greatest form of insanity) in order to get us to hide from the truth.

The expensive items we sell at work are not in the scheme of life important, but are things and trappings that we surround ourselves with in order to stay trapped on the perpetual treadmill called work. We are told that we must have these things, so we go out to work in order to buy them, getting into so much debt that we have to continually work harder, and thus have no time to be still and stop thinking. I see through the trap though and choose not to have these things in my possession. I still though have to sell them at work, and this is where the challenge lies.

It occurs to me that the reason I have chosen this particular job is because of the unique challenges that it brings - in other words to be in the illusion but not be part of it. This means that I can observe from a detached perspective all the goings on and all the ego talk of my colleagues and customers - two of my colleagues in particular act like overgrown school boys, practically drooling over video games and the latest technology as if they were some prize to be cherished, and talking about beer and women in much the same vein.

Some women would be mortally offended at this talk, but not me, I just grin silently to myself and observe the silliness and almost obsessiveness of the whole thing. And yet at the same time, I have been amazed this week at just how similar in some ways we are. We were having a conversation the other day as we helped with the delivery, about women who moan about there not being any good men and how they can't maintain a relationship and how lonely they feel, and in the next breath say how they value their independence and don't want to get tied down. There is a great paradox here that the majority of these women seem unaware of. No wonder men are so confused as to what women want - how can they know after all how to treat us if we do not know ourselves how we wish to be treated.

How though do I wish to be treated - as a human being with feelings and emotions, and with the knowledge that I am not infallible and need love and nurturing as much as the next person. I also perhaps more fundamentally, wish to be treated in the same way that others would wish to be treated - with courtesy, honesty, integrity and respect.