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Saturday, 14 February 2009

Fantasy becomes reality

On Thursday while searching the net as one does, I found an advertisement for a seasonal general assistant on the island of Lundy, starting from as soon as possible. Knowing the huge response that this is likely to generate, and the overwhelming need that I have to spend time on the island, I emailed for an application form. By the end of the day, just before 5pm, it came back with a note that stated "Thank you for your interest in the Lundy company".

As I opened the form and began to read, my body went into shock. My mouth became dry, and I began to shake and sweat. I realised that this was no longer a fantasy, but had now become reality.

I began to fill in the first part of the form - name, address etc and all the usual blurb, but when it got to the bit about why you think you are suitable and what you can bring to the job, my mind went completely blank. Try as I might, each time I think about completing this form and sending it back, which I know I must, I cannot bring myself to do it, for I know that once I do, there is no going back. My life will change forever.

This is a scary thing, when you are confronted with the results of the choices you have made, and stand on the threshold of something this big. I am conscious of all that I would be giving up, yet also conscious of what I may gain, and that it may not be forever (life is transient anyway). Either way, no matter how much I look at this, once I have pressed that send button, things will never be the same - for my partner or myself.

No matter how many times I go over this in my mind, I know that I have to take this step - Chairman Mao was right when he said that the biggest journey begins with a single step, and also that the first step is the hardest, for once I have done this, I will be swept up in an unstoppable chain of events that will no longer be under my control. What I mean by this is that I will have to step back and hope and trust and wait for things to unfold in the way that my partner and I most need.

What we need may not necessarily be what we want, as the outcome is far from certain - the island manager may decide that I am not suitable for the job and offer it to someone else - if this happens then I know realistically that it was not meant to be, yet in many ways this will be even more difficult than if I do go. Why does life have to be so hard?

I should be relaxed and happy today, spending time with the one I love, but I seem unable to concentrate on anything at all. I am not sure where the words have come from this morning, or what it all means, but I have to put things out to the universe, and as they say, let be and let God.

In years gone by if I made a statement like the one I am about to make, I would surely have been tried for heresy and burnt at the stake, but thankfully times have moved on. I know that there is no difference and no separation between God and any other being - and yes that includes you too, those who read my words, so what I want for myself is therefore what God wants too. Of course the very act of saying the word want simply creates more of that experience, so we are left still wanting - I will then change that word to have, for that is an acknowledgement of what I already have and brings those needs and wants into being.

So, what to do this afternoon, go to the local beauty spot for tea, cake and a romantic cuddle, sit down and watch a romantic DVD, or fill in that form. The day is young, so why not do all three?

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