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Thursday, 19 February 2009

Lost and found

Following a reading today, my partner and I feel a lot clearer about where we are headed and why things have been the way that they have.

There are amazing similarities between our lives in that both of us were bullied at various stages of our lives, and had less than perfect upbringings (let's face it, who didn't), and there is a lot of mirroring in our relationship, in that we reflect to each other what is going on in the others life. We have always 'fed off' each other and seem to have this ability to know what the other is thinking and feeling just by looking at the other, to the extent that we can often actually feel (both physically and emotionally) what the other is feeling. I would imagine that this is very similar to what twins experience.

There are very few boundaries between us, which is far from ideal and definitely not healthy, as we need to retain our individuality. Since I left my job and have been spending more time at home (my partner works from home), this seems to have intensified. The events of recent weeks affected him almost as much as they did me, mainly because of this connection and because we are so closely linked. It is difficult to tell sometimes where one ends and the other begins.

What we need to do is a form of tie cutting to let go of the negative attachments, so that we no no longer feel each others stuff (this impacts very negatively upon our energy fields and reserves), while retaining the good stuff that binds us together. I suspect that these cords began to detach during that trip to Lundy in January, as we have both been feeling somewhat empty since then. This would also account for the great sense of loss that we have both felt at my decision to apply for this job. This is after all, a tremendous change and letting go, of almost everything that I am. It is impossible for this not to impact deeply upon both of us.

When you let go of as much as we both have in recent months, this creates an empty space or vacuum. This feels alien and uncomfortable until until the new arrives to fill that space. We are both at the moment waiting for that new to arrive.

The reader Diana, described Lundy as a place where the elements of nature are perfectly balanced in harmony and alignment, and all is equal. When I think about this, this is perfectly true; earth, air, fire and water can all be seen together side by side in harmony. The island is shaped by all of these forces - forged by fire from the depths of the sea, surrounded by air and water with an abundance of earthbound animal forms and plant life. The community is as self sufficient as they can be, with their own waste recycling plant, electricity generators and water treatment works. The majority of goods of course have to be obtained from the mainland, but the island does what it can to maintain itself with as little reliance on mainland commodities as possible - the staff properties may have televisions and Internet access, but there are no newspapers, and no noisy jukeboxes in the island pub. The island retains all the good things about the new society that we live in, without the negatives.

I was assured that it is absolutely the right thing for me to apply for and if it is offered, take this seasonal job. The temporary separation although difficult, is necessary, in order for us to separate these ties and come back together as two separate people who are whole and complete in their own right. It is not to worry about may or may not happen and how it may or may not affect us, but to get what we both can from the experience, and become strong again so we can work out who and what we are and will be in a better position when I do return, to go out and get it.

I feel a lot better and a lot less guilty knowing that this is the right choice and I am not running away and wanting to hide, because I was beginning to feel that I was. It is a running away, but for the right reasons, for you cannot find yourself until and unless you are lost ...

No matter what happens, I know that my partner, the one I love, will always be in my life, in some form or shape.

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