Seen but not heard

An hour after I wrote yesterdays post, and just as I thought I was beginning to deal with and come to terms with the events that took place over Christmas, I had a letter notifying me of a date to discuss my issues - this morning at 10.30am. The letter was dated Monday, but due to the snow (we had 15 inches where I am), it took three days to arrive. This did not leave me much time in which to prepare, so most of yesterday was spent printing out various bits of information, and checking facts.

There was a marked difference in how I felt compared to the first meeting in January, where they discussed their issues with me. It is too soon, and the wounds too fresh for me to detail exactly what those issues were.

It felt strange and extremely uncomfortable to walk back into that environment after a month's absence. As soon as I walked through the security gates, my senses were bombarded by an incessant stream of sounds, coming at me from all directions. As someone who is particularly sensitive to noise and other forms of stimulation, this was perhaps the most difficult aspect of being in that environment that I had to deal with.

I was fine until a face from the past walked in, which knocked me for six. I knew that they would have to speak to him regarding certain issues, but I did not expect him to be there today. I don't think he was aware of my presence, but I was certainly aware of his - my body became rigid as I heard his voice, asking if X had arrived. He had not, so Y left as abruptly as he had arrived.

It threw me into a spin, since it made me wonder whether he was to be called as a witness - I was assured that this was not the case, and the meeting convened as planned, and pretty much on time. It struck me that the purpose of the meeting was simply to gather the facts, from my perspective. If this is what they wanted, they could have telephoned or written to me to get that.

For the past month they have been conducting their own investigation, the facts of which I have not been made aware. Truth be known, they have probably already made up their minds as to what the verdict will be. However, they have to be seen as following protocol and doing the right thing. This is a laugh, since this whole thing has from my perspective, been a catalogue of errors from start to finish. They wouldn't know the right thing if it hit them in the face.

After about half an hours discussion, we broke for the Chairman to confer with "those in the know". We re-convened after about 15 minutes, at which point he asked me if I had anything further to add. There were quite a few things I would have liked to have said, but if I had, I would only have got even more angry and upset, so I did my best to bite my tongue. I did emphasise however that in my opinion this situation had been created by a distinct lack of communication, with no clear policies regarding the issues I had raised. If this information had been more forthcoming and easier to understand, then most of this situation could have been avoided.

It was then that I was told I would have to wait for a decision in writing, which will probably be another week's wait. At least he gave me a copy of the notes before I left, which is more than can be said for the meeting I attended in January. A month later, despite several requests, I am still waiting for them to put the decision in writing, and the more they string this out, the more difficult it is for me to move on.

The events of today (and especially seeing that face from the past, even if he did not see or speak to me) have thrown me into a right spin. It has brought back to the surface all those old feelings of not being seen, not being heard and not being acknowledged, and also a lot of anger.

I suppose the real reason I am so angry with Y is because his not speaking out effectively forced me to, and opened up this huge can of worms that I have to now deal with. I get the feeling that I am not the only one to raise some of my issues. I am not doing this just for myself, but for others who have also been affected. In some ways then, even though I have now left, I am still very much embroiled in what has and continues to occur. That is what I mean when I say that it is very difficult for me to move on.

Hopefully though by the end of next week I can finally put this all to bed. My partner and I will heave two big sighs of relief when that day finally comes.