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Thursday, 5 February 2009

Spread those wings and fly

The new Wings post from Karen Bishop is as always impeccable in its timing, and even more in what she has to say. The email I received this morning informing me of her latest post stated, "In this WINGS post, find out why you may be feeling apathetic, grumpy and resentful, and more about the magical energy that is creating what we have always wanted."

Am I creating what I have always wanted? I suppose I am, because what I have always wanted, at least since Mum died, is to go and live on a lump of granite in the Bristol Channel, and it looks as if I may finally have the chance.

What Karen has to say is interesting indeed, and as always she has that knack of knowing exactly what I am feeling. She says "There are a variety of manifestations currently occurring, all relating to our arrival in a new space due to the release of our presence in the old reality [in my case I take this to mean working for others in what I term the 3D reality). In this way, much can seem confusing, conflicting, and even contradictory, but as the ascension process continues to show us, it is never a clear, easy, or even plausible road the majority of the time." She can say that again!

The current themes are then manifesting what we may have always wanted, finding ourselves feeling as if we have no purpose, desire, or interest in anything, feeling completely alone with absolutely no connections, anger and resentment at the past, stuck in old relationships, being extremely busy wrapping up so we can move forward, setting things up for the new, or feelings of bliss, excitement and having the beginning experiences of new connections and an amazing new beginning of freedom and joy.

I have experienced all of these to different degrees - anger and resentment at the past certainly, and a loss of desire or interest in things also. Being stuck in relationships - yes, there has been an element of that too, as my partner and I re-evaluate what we want from life and whether we will stay together. Wrapping things up and having feelings of bliss - there has been some of that too in between the moments of despair - I have placed many of my books for sale on Amazon to try and start the de-cluttering process (if I do go to Lundy I can't take them all with me), and when I think of the possibility of a new life on the island, whether permanent or temporary (and the latter may well lead to the former), then yes, I get very excited indeed, for Lundy is indeed my bliss.

According to Karen, I am in the space of what she refers to as "re-booting". This occurs when you move from one space into another, leaving the old behind. We are only a few weeks into the New Year, but already I feel as if I have left an awful lot behind. While we are in that space, we begin to feel apathetic about almost everything around us, as if we just can't be bothered to do anything. Nothing excites us anymore (in my case, not even writing, and certainly not writing about writing). We feel useless, lethargic, empty, and a little depressed (it certainly feels like that to me), and we have very little energy at all. According to Karen (no surprises there given the recent events in my life) that we have completed a very important phase within ourselves and with the planet. Thank goodness for that then, as I thought I was going mad!

Karen goes on to say that she remembers a time, back in 2001, when she experienced something similar - she felt like a retired person with nothing to do. I can really relate to this one, as I have found myself craving retirement, when I can just put my feet up and do what I want, beholden to no-one and not being forced to go out to work. Of course, at the other end of the scale comes boredom and the feeling of being trapped in the house, so I had better be very careful of what I do wish for ... Thankfully these feelings will pass, and when they do, Karen says, we will be happy and joyful once more, with feelings of excitement and anticipation about our new reality. We will have to "pinch ourselves" to make sure it is really all real.

So these feelings of apathy are simply telling me that my soul is "in between.” I have completed my role (whatever it was) and am ready to move into the next phase - only I am not quite there yet - I am if you like between two rungs on the evolutionary ladder, waiting to make that leap (and I think I know by now what that leap will be). Somewhat reassuring Karen goes on to say that we can no longer do what we did before (thank goodness for that, for if I had to go back to that environment and that scenario I would surely die).

For the moment then it is simply about being (hence the snow that stops me going out and doing much at all - I had been planning to go and sign on at some job agencies this week, but the Universe obviously had other ideas!). I am not destitute, in fact compared to some I am relatively well off. I have enough money to live on for a while if I have to, so that I can ride this out, and enjoy the rest. This is all about giving myself the time to really go within and be absolutely sure of what I do want - to go to Lundy or to continue here on the mainland being of service to others. The ironic thing is that in many ways I would be of much more service going there, since the energy of the island is such that it helps bring others into that same space, and would therefore help them to also realise their dreams. Of course I am of service here as well through my interaction with the village community, and in particular through my role as Editor of the village newsletter, and what would have to stop if I did make the move - I could on the other hand become the Editor of the Friends of Lundy newsletter which has not been issued for some five years now, and which I know is missed. It is all about choice.

Of course if I were to make the move (and that is the one thing that continues to make me stop) it would separating from my partner - for at least seven months, even for a temporary, seasonal job. Maybe not though, as I would get time off on the mainland, and he can always come and visit me, if he can face the boat. He could take over my booking for the end of July, while I worked on the island, transferring it to his name. Long term it could though spell the end, if he did not want to move to the island with me. I have been over this a thousand times in my mind, but I am still no nearer to a resolution. Karen though says that when we reach a new "rung" we do not necessarily arrive with the same individuals that accompanied us on the last one. We separate for various reasons. Perhaps we need to separate for a while so we can find our way back together again, in fact I strongly suspect this is the case.

It is common to separate from much of our old lives (including relationships) while we are in the "re-booting stage", as we must be as free and as clear as possible before we can move into this new phase. Once we have done this, some of these relationships may resume, but they will not be the same as they were - how can they be when we have changed so much?

The more we evolve, the simpler our lives become, and life cannot get much simpler than what I may have on Lundy. It is common Karen says to have a few good friends, rather than lots of acquaintances. I have always been like this anyway, but on Lundy, with a community of just 24 individuals, this would be much more acute. Higher energy as Karen says, creates connections that are more direct and simple, with a simpler purpose. The higher we evolve, the more our shared purpose is simply about love and respect, or perhaps companionship. This describes Lundy to a T, the idea that they are there to help run the island, their purpose being clear and direct. As we evolve higher and higher, so we also disconnect from relationships based on support for one another, as we move beyond that state to the place where we can support ourselves and meet all our needs for ourselves. This too is what Lundy is about - no counsellors and therapists there! I must admit that scares me a bit, as my partner is my greatest support mechanism, and if he were not there, I would have to learn to rely much more on myself. It occurs to me though that on many levels I have been doing this my whole life.

Going back to the old is for me no longer an option. I had an email from an agency yesterday (I have been applying for jobs online, even though my heart is not really in it) asking me to come in and register since they have something that may be of interest - a part time job dealing with complaints. Is this really me - I don't think so. It is almost as if the Universe is saying to me "do you really want to go back there" and the answer is no, I don't. This is the same reason I have chosen not to sign on and put myself in the system, I would not be entitled to benefits anyway, for a variety of reasons. As someone who is also self employed (my writing does still count as a business), it is easier to make voluntary national insurance contributions than to put myself in the system, where I would have to jump through hoops in order to please others, getting nothing back.

So, do I send that email today to the island manager, I don't think I have a choice. Not if I want to truly be happy anyway.

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