On one of the readers Internet forums that I frequent, there is a very popular thread where members talk about what is happening in their lives on a day to day basis. It has been very useful for me in recent months, and enabled me to let off a lot of steam (without going into too much detail of course).
One of the members was discussing today how one of her friends had a huge argument with her boyfriend, when she thought he was flirting with someone else. He wasn't as it turned out, and it was to do with his ex's insecurity. This got to me to thinking about my own issues and what has been happening in my own life with regard to my partner and I.
In my considerable experience of watching daytime television (it isn't all rubbish), people get insecure for all sorts of reasons, but mostly because of their past. A Course in Miracles says that the closed mind believes that the past and the present will be the same, and there is much truth in this statement. People believe (and I am no exception) that history will repeat itself, and in the end, it often does, as they end up pushing the one they love away.
How though do you keep the one you love - to coin a phrase from Northern Exposure, by letting them go. My beloved partner and soul mate knows and understands this, and so 'allows' me the freedom to do what needs to be done - as I did for him when he wished to go on hormones as part of his gender re-balancing. You have to let people go so that they can become themselves, and sometimes that may mean a temporary separation.
It is the hardest thing in the world for both of us to do, on top of everything else that has happened (the events of Christmas also affected him deeply, as it reminded him of similar experiences in his own past); to have to choose between the two things I love the most in the whole wide world. In the end, it is not about choosing either of those two things, but about choosing myself, and doing what I have and need to do.
I have been trying to figure out why I have been putting off completing my application form for Lundy, when I know it needs to be done. It is almost as if I am afraid of what it will mean. To be honest, the whole thing terrifies me, but I know that I have to do this. It feels like I no longer have a choice. I have wanted this for so long, to have the opportunity to spend an extended time on the island and be a part of it, and now it has become real, I am left wondering whether it really is what I want after all. That brings up tremendous fear and uncertainty, but I cannot allow this to sway my decision and prevent me from moving forwards, I have to feel the fear, as Susan Jeffers says, and do it anyway.
We spent an hour or so going through the application last night thinking about what I can bring to the role and what attributes will be needed. It is not a difficult job, and I feel certain I could do it, but it is difficult sometimes to find the words. Yesterday we made some progress, and I went to sleep with my mind buzzing re the possibilities.
After I returned from my cleaning job and had some lunch, I sat down to complete the application and the words began to flow. I can now say that I am 99 percent happy with what I have written. I will sleep on it for a while and send the application tomorrow to be 100 percent.
With wonderful synchronicity, after I had completed all that I needed to do, I found an email from the island waiting in my inbox, confirming that they are expecting me as a volunteer on 2nd March, and asking the Diary Manager to make a note. I am all set then, 13 days and counting ...