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Friday, 20 March 2009

A mirror for the soul

Thursday March 12th

It feels like I have been awake for hours, as I sit by the window in my cottage tapping away at the keys. Yesterday was a strange day - I woke around 4am on Wednesday morning and peering outside the door without my glasses it seemed like I was seeing through a fog - when I finally roused myself shortly before 9am (well, I am on holiday), the mist was swirling outside the door and the property in the next field looked very faint. The wind was blowing across the island, which I guess is why the fog lingered for the rest of the day, and so it was a day indoors with nothing but my thoughts for company. Apart from a short trip to the shop to buy some mayonnaise for the chips I cooked for lunch, I did not leave the house all day.

It used to be the case when I first began to visit the island, and before I began to spend all my holidays here, that I usually lost at least one day of walking for each week I was here due to the weather. As I have got older and able to read the weather more, and more clued in about my own limitations, these days have lessened until it has become quite rare for me to have whole days indoors like this. I should be used to it living where I do, and being as I am currently between jobs, but I found the long hours indoors quite uncomfortable. You see, the mind begins to wander.

I have noticed a different quality to the wanderings this time around, with less list making and less going over previous and future visits - I have though made a list of what I will bring with me for the seven months. It as as if being here, this time around, with everything that happened at my last job, the wind has blown it all away, so it seems a dim and distant memory. Maybe it is because not being at home with my partner and surrounded by reminders of how things were and have been, the mind has been able to let go. I can see that in retrospect none of the things that happened there were really that important - and still in a way they were, for it is those experiences that have brought me to the space I am in now.

What space am I in now - the space between spaces, where I am not yet a part of things, and yet where I am. I am in a place of waiting, of anticipation, a place of transition, where I have been making a conscious effort to go within and to work with yesterdays Full Moon to facilitate what I most deeply and truly want. It occurs to me that perhaps this was the reason for my confinement to quarters yesterday - as of course it always is.

On Tuesday night, which was clear and still, I went for a walk to the village and back for around half an hour and stood on the lawn behind the Tavern just gazing up at the sky. It was one of those moments of deep reverie and transcendence, where one becomes lost in the timeless depth and blackness of space, feeling very small but infinite at the same time. Gazing at the blackness and the vastness of space is like journeying into your own void, into the depths of who you are, and the Moon acts as a mirror to reflect the light of your soul. It seemed to be saying to me that my time has come and this was a new beginning, a chance to really let go of the old and the run with the changes that will be monumental and very much needed.

I said when I came here that I did not know what would be worse - if I did get the job or if I didn't, but as the wind has blown, it has taken all of those thoughts with it, so that it no longer matters, all that matters is that I embrace this experience and go with the flow, wherever it takes me.

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