My mind and pain body have been particularly active these past few weeks, especially since my return from Lundy, turning over and over all the little things that in the scheme of life, do not matter at all. It is all of course borne from ego, from the need to maintain appearances and be seen to be doing the right thing. Will the residents of our small village judge me for wanting to move away, albeit temporarily, and leave my partner on his own, will they understand why I need to do this, will anyone step forward to fill my shoes as Editor, and how will I appear to these people if I do not get the job. This incessant stream of thoughts fills my head from morning 'til night with little respite. Even at night I find myself dreaming about the island and the possible scenarios that may or may not happen.
I have become aware of this empty hole deep inside myself, which feels like a vacuum, which nothing can fill. Thinking about this hole and where it has come from has made me aware of the various things that I use in order to try and fill it - food, exercise, work, housework, the Internet, reading, writing, going for a walk, annoying my partner, and yes, the island of Lundy. I expected the island to fill that void and have been deeply disappointed to find that it did not. It has left me feeling what now? I have to learn the fill that hole for myself. None of these things work, for the answer lies within. It is a cliche, but I am the only one who can fill that void, and no one can do this for me. The answer therefore lies in changing my attitude - change your heart and change your mind, so the saying goes.
Yesterday was the Spring Equinox, where the day and night were once again equal in length. The light begins to triumph over the dark. I see this as a mirror for my own life, as once again, a chink of light begins to shine forth. It has been a long and dark winter for me, in more ways than one. The light though has begun to return, and with that comes a lightness in my step as I realise the futility of all this negativity and all these what ifs? Why do they matter and what does it matter if others do judge me, for what they think is none of my business.
From today, and every day until my birthday on June 21st (the summer solstice), the light will become stronger and stronger, until after this date, it once again begins to wane. This is the perfect time for working with that energy of spring and abundance to get out there and manifest what we need. What I need more than anything else is peace of mind.
That comes from viewing this situation not as a problem, but as an opportunity. I know I have been saying and writing that this is how I do view things, but it it all words and they have been hollow and shallow, devoid of meaning. From now on things will change. Sharing accommodation with strangers is not a problem, but a wonderful support mechanism and an opportunity to form some meaningful relationships with two others of like mind. It means that when my partner is not around, I need never be lonely - for there will always be someone to talk to, whose presence will add to the experience of being there. When I feel the need for solitude, as I surely will, for we all do, I have a 3 mile island with which to play, and if the weather is bad, the privacy of my own room. As for food, well I have to take responsibility for that and know my own limitations, this will be a lesson in doing that and listening to my own needs.
The air and the light has changed, and around the area where I live, as on the island, spring has suddenly sprung. The birds have started to sing and new life has burst forth from deep within the frozen soil. This too is a mirror for myself, for new life has also burst forth from deep within my frozen soul. I have reached the point where I can now honestly say, that what will be will be.